My Beautiful Momma

by Billygoat 36 Replies latest members private

• 

  bebu

  
  I emailed an old friend of mine in Japan. He works to coordinate Western tourists with Japanese guides, who work only for cost of travel and the chance to practice English. I asked him if he could let me know the name of the type of business I referred to earlier, or anything else which might help. I'll let you know...

  It's a big business in Japan, investigating the other family... sadly, the business is based on racial discrimination more than anything else (as I've had it explained a few times; maybe things have changed in 15 years). There is an ethnic group called Burakumin, the Japanese equivalent of the Native American Indians, which people quietly do not wish to intermarry with. (I think some people want to make sure they are not marrying someone who has roots in another country, either.) Employers, I think, also do some quiet investigating sometimes. To talk about Burakumin at all is almost like talking about something highly embarassing; the folks who I asked about this were anxious to keep their voices low, as if they were sharing a dark secret. For this and other reasons, the Japanese are meticulous record-keepers.

  bebu

  Edited to add: I am sorry if I'm implying that this is the primary reason for their great record-keeping. I think they are good record-keepers to start with, just because they love order so much.
• 

  LyinEyes

  Sometimes I am jealous of other mother and daughters I see. Like my sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law - they're very close, all three of them. Or Princess and Mulan. I can't imagine having my mom in my life, watching me and guiding me as I start my family. Or going shopping for baby clothes together. Or getting advice on health or life issues. Truly, I wonder what that's like. I have no idea.

  ((((((((Andi)))))))) my Mom passed when I was 18 and I feel the same way you, do , jealous of other Mother-Daughter relationships, wanting it so very badly again. When she died , my life had just started and I needed her so much. It is strange to say, but thru it all she has been with me, every tear that I cried , all the happy moments, all the places I traveled and each child that was born, she was with me in spirit. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her a 100 times .

  I hope you can find your Momma Andi, what a blessing that would be.
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  SixofNine

  Wow Andi, she is beautiful, and the resemblence is striking.
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  under74

  Wow, beautiful. Both your mom and you.

  Have you tried to google the city in Japan + ....nevermind...I'm sure you've already done that.
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  Princess

  Sometimes I am jealous of other mother and daughters I see. Like my sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law - they're very close, all three of them. Or Princess and Mulan. I can't imagine having my mom in my life, watching me and guiding me as I start my family. Or going shopping for baby clothes together. Or getting advice on health or life issues. Truly, I wonder what that's like. I have no idea.

  You're making me cry Andi. I hope you find what you are looking for. You are just as beautiful as your momma and you have so much to give.

  When my son was born, it was no surprise that he was a redhead who didn't look like me. I grew up with three brothers with totally different coloring from myself, although I'm told we do share a family resemblance (I just don't see it). I look like my mom and they do not. Because I look so much like my mom, I was completely expecting my daughter to come out looking just like us. Instead she looks just her dad, bright red hair, face shape. I was thrilled to have her and absolulely love her red hair, but a little sad not to have a little clone following me around.

  Thank you for sharing the pictures, and for the reminder not to take what I have for granted. We all need that from time to time.

  Rachel
• 

  Billygoat

  Bebu,

  There is an ethnic group called Burakumin, the Japanese equivalent of the Native American Indians, which people quietly do not wish to intermarry with. (I think some people want to make sure they are not marrying someone who has roots in another country, either.) Employers, I think, also do some quiet investigating sometimes. To talk about Burakumin at all is almost like talking about something highly embarassing; the folks who I asked about this were anxious to keep their voices low, as if they were sharing a dark secret. For this and other reasons, the Japanese are meticulous record-keepers.

  I find this fascinating! I always thought the Burakumin were just the "lower class" of Japan as in what neighborhood they came from or what family name they had...or even what they did for a living. Did I misunderstand? Now I'm wondering. What if I'M Burakumin??? LOL I know it's not something that's widely spoken of as the Japanese are artists when it comes to etiquette and saying something "without" saying it. (Ah..I wish I had that skill, but alas...I've got too much Irish blood to beat around the etiquette bush with any success. LOL!)

  ((((Dede))))) I knew you would understand. Do you think your relationship with your daughter is closer because of having lost your mother at such a young age?

  Princess,

  I was thrilled to have her and absolulely love her red hair, but a little sad not to have a little clone following me around.

  I imagine her spirit is similar to yours in spite of the look of her daddy. That's why my father and I had a hard time...I looked like my mother, but had his goat-ish stubborness. Of course we clashed. LOL

  Isn't it funny that we imagine our daughters to look like us? I've always pictured a little girl in my life...one with dark hair and dark eyes that looked like me and had momma and daddy wrapped around her finger. Since Mozz and I will most likely be adopting (China? Latvia?) the chances that we get a dark haired, dark eyed girl is pretty high. Being wrapped around her finger? Without a doubt.

  For all of you women out there that have a daughter, please be good to them. They will mirror you someday, whether you like it or not. And whether THEY like it or not. Do not take that relationship for granted. Not everyone has it and unfortunately for us, we have no healthy example to pass onto our future daughters. I'm sure we will and have done fine...but we're probably muddling through it.

  Andi
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  BrendaCloutier

  Oh Billy, you are BOTH so Beautiful! Yes, you look so very much like your momma! How special is that?!

  I was adopted. When I finally found out who my mother is/was, she died 9 years before I found out... I found I look so very much like her.

  I went to my half-sister's college graduation - first in several generations to graduated from college! Well, I met her step-dad, our mother's last husband there. He was warned that I looked "just like momma", but he felt that because the other kids didn't look quite as much like her, that I wouldn't either. When he met me, when he saw me, he apologised, turned around and started crying! I looked so very much like her, and I was her age when she was killed in a car accident! Oh My Gawd how I felt for him! And Oh My Gawd, how proud I was to look so much like my birth mother!

  Thank you so much for sharing, Andi. Love and hugs to you.

  Brenda
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  Billygoat

  He was warned that I looked "just like momma", but he felt that because the other kids didn't look quite as much like her, that I wouldn't either. When he met me, when he saw me, he apologised, turned around and started crying! I looked so very much like her, and I was her age when she was killed in a car accident! Oh My Gawd how I felt for him! And Oh My Gawd, how proud I was to look so much like my birth mother!

  Oh Brenda that breaks my heart. *gulp* But I understand the confusion of emotions you must have felt. I can't say I would have felt any different. I would have been sad and proud at the same time too!

  I remember when it finally dawned on me how much I looked like my mom. I was in my early teens. Things were very dicey at home with my Dad. He said something like, "You are just like your mother. So irresponsible. Only thinking of yourself." I HATED him for saying that. I HATED being compared to someone that (I felt) abandoned her child. I HATED looking like her. I HATED having her thick hair and dark eyes. I HATED being hated by my father for something I couldn't help. I hated HER. It was HER fault that my dad was so abusive towards me. It was HER fault that I had such a jacked up childhood. Why did I have to look like her, when I was American and in my father's custody and a JW to boot??? It was awful.

  I forced myself to NOT think about her for many years. And then one day I found a box with TONS of pictures of her. I was in my early 20's and had just entered a peaceful phase in my life. I was literally confused because some of the pictures I really thought were me. Could.Not.Remember.That.Picture.Being.Taken. *shaking head* I was fascinated when it dawned on me that I was the same age as she was in those pictures. We could have been twins in some of them. At the very least sisters. And in the midst of those piles of pictures laying around me, I broke down. I felt so awful for those angry hateful thoughts I had. It was obvious in those pictures that my mother loved me. I cried for days over the regret I felt for villainizing her in my mind all those years. I have since "forgiven" her and forgiven myself, thus my search for her. A part of me has even forgiven my father for his treatment of me. He does not have the where-with-all to have done any different. Sick people behave in sick ways. My father is sick on so many levels, how on earth could I expect him to be healthy?

  Funny how forgiveness heals the forgiver.
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  BrendaCloutier

  Funny how forgiveness heals the forgiver

  I've discovered over many harsh years that this is the ultimate outcome of forgiveness. The peace is amazing, isn't it? And the love that fills the spot that resentment filled?

  Funny, my adoptive mom slapped me one day when I was about 17, and told me "you're just like your mother!" I didn't feel the threat she made, I actually felt a connection with the woman who bore me, a certain "wow, I have a background, I have a history" an amount of pride for being my mother's daughter. My parents knew my birthmother, my gr.grandmother arranged the adoption inside of JW's, as she was my birthmother's guardian at the time. i actually met my mother as a child several times, I just didn't know she was my mother! It was one of my gr.grandmothers many secrets.

  Wow, (((Andi))), your story has brought up so much of mine today. Thank you so very much. For me, it's also a bittersweet story.
• 

  Mulan

  I look like my mom and they do not. Because I look so much like my mom, I was completely expecting my daughter to come out looking just like us. Instead she looks just her dad, bright red hair, face shape. I was thrilled to have her and absolulely love her red hair, but a little sad not to have a little clone following me around.

  When Rachel was a little girl, I read a book called "My Mother, Myself". I bought it to try and repair the relationship I had with my own mother, which was a difficult one. What I learned from that book, was how to mother a daughter. Her philosophy was you look at your daughter with the attitude that she is "just like me, only better". You aren't in competition with her. You can learn from her. You don't know it all. She is her own person. You want her to be the best she can be. It was a great life's lesson, and helped me to understand my mother a bit better too, but didn't repair our relationship. Our relationship never was a good one until about the last 3 years.

  Rachel does look like a clone of me, but much thinner, and more athletic. Better in every way. I continue to learn from her all the time.

  Zoe is a lot like her Mom, even though she doesn't look like her. Having her around is a lot like having Rachel, as a little girl again. She is very competitive and wants to do everything her brother does, and is clingy to her Mom (not as much as she used to be though), just like Rachel was with me.

  Andi, your Mom is really beautiful. I know it's a loss for you. One of my friends is also half Japanese and her mother still has a hard time with both of her children. The marriage didn't last, and she went back to Japan, and none of the relatives know she has mixed race children. When Liz goes to see her, it's as a friend only. That would be rough.