For all husbands with believing wives......

by jeeprube 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • jeeprube

    IthinkIsee's thread and the responses got me to thinking. I'm in a situation similar to his, and it sounds like a lot of other husbands here are also, or have been. So lets sound off. What's your story. How does it FEEL for you right now? I know I'm scared as hell. Have you gone through the feelings of being a spiritual failure? Contemplated suicide? I've often thought about just divorcing my wife, so she can someday marry a good JW brother and be happy, has anybody else felt that way? In my case I just can't do it, I love her too much. But then I start to feel selfish, like I'm denying her happiness.

    Any other personal experiences about how you broke reality to your wife? How many men have been able to come out and still mantain some level of spirituality in their families? How did you do it? Anybody else face the blood issue with their wife in regards to their children? We don't have kids yet, but I finally told her that if we did, and one of them ever needed a blood transfusion, that I would fight to the death to see them get it. How about school sports with your children? Anybody allow them to participate, and how did your mate react?

    Any thoughts are welcome!

    (I'm sure this kind of thread has been done before, but I've only been here for 3 weeks, and this is really important to me)

  • googlemagoogle

    hi jeeprube,

    yes, there are plenty on here who are exactly in the same situation. look at my thread: i've had a similar talk with my wife some time ago.

    i know how tough it is, jeep, and i wish you'r wife will wake up someday from the WT indoctrination. never give up.

  • Check_Your_Premises

    Hey Jeep.

    Never a dub. Got caught when I wasn't looking. Now that I know what they are I am trying to help my wife leave.

    Sounds like you were a dub, and told your wife you are not a dub anymore. Tough position. Usually you want to try to open her eyes a bit before you do something like that. Now you are an apostate and not worth listening to. That makes your job a little tougher.

    Your job is to help her leave the org. If you are still a Christian, then your job is to lead her to Christ, and let Him do the rest.

    Steven Hassan's Combatting Mind Control, and Releasing the Bonds are required reading. Most here would agree.

    Best of luck to you. Feel free to check out my topic history to follow my story, my bio, or even PM me if you have any other questions.

    Also send a pm to JGnat. She is a never-dub ubm (unbeleiving mate) who has some great advice and experience with dealing with this awful situation. MJ is another good guy to talk to. Kls, the listener, and of course ithinkisee.

    Take care.


  • NewYork44M

    jeep, I am in a similiar situation. However, it has been for a lot longer. I had my "I no longer want to be a witness" talk with my wife about 12 years ago. I can tell you from experience that it never gets better. We have dmz between us that we both know not to penetrate because the very same arguements will start. If you think you are frustrated now, consider what your life will be like in 10, 15 or 20 years when you finially realize that this is what your marriage will be like for the rest of your life.

    I am not prepared to discuss my situation in a public forum. However, if you want to send me an email, I will be happy to respond.

  • Check_Your_Premises

    And maybe another peice of advice might be to keep your correspondence limited to those who have a positive attitude, and who have had some successes. Why listen to people who have screwed up. No offense to those folks, I have made many mistakes in this most strangest of journies. But common sense dictates that you talk to those making progress rather than those who might want some company in failure.

    Until you read Hassan's book(s), the number one thing I could tell you is that any effort to free your wife from the tower has to be based on trust. If you don't have her trust you will get nowhere. If you don't have her trust, you need to start repairing it. That is all you should work on. It is that important.

    How to build trust. Find areas of agreement. Talk to her as a person, not someone you are trying to sell something to. Be genuinely curious as to how/why she is thinking/feeling/concerned about the things she is. Keep calm. Smile. Tell her how much you love her. Validate her intentions in choosing to believe in the jw. They are honorable intentions and should be treated as such. Demand the same for yourself. God gave you a conscience because he expects you to use it. You are using it, and hers is not more important than yours.

  • tetrapod.sapien

    hey jeep,

    i had actually become an atheist before my wife knew anything about where i had gone. i may not have been enthusiastic about going to the meetings, but i still went with her while i was reading and reading and reading in my spare time, to keep up the facade. i wanted to be very sure of my data and decision before i upset our marriage in any way.

    personally, i had started out investigating the scholastic dishonesty of the borg with regards creation and evolution. when i was a way into this, i started to check out other doctrine, because i knew that evolution and the troof could not be compatible doctrinally, and was really wondering if the GB could actually have god's blessing. well, i didn't have to re-study the other doctrine for very long at all (with new eyes, so-to-speak) before i realized that it was really quite crazy. so i skipped the doctrinal stuff to a large degree and went straight to the jugular of theism and secular vs. bible history in general.

    so, with regards my wife, unlike ithinkisee , i have skipped the doctrinal stuff with her largely as well, and just gone for the jugular of theism, gently. this has actually worked a little bit, as just the other day she admitted that i had some very valid points, and wanted to talk with witness friends about them. i told her that this would not help much at all, as they could not really be expected to understand. but she did talk with two of her best friends, and they just said that they occasionally had doubts too, but when they prayed, the doubts went away, LOL. i asked her if she saw the mental discontinuity in this sort of thing, and she actually said yes! so i am hopeful. she told me the other day that i'm her best friend, and she values me a lot. this is because i have been extra loving with her over the last 6 months, in a genuine way. that, and the fact that she sees the very people who shun me also running around smoking and screwing and binge drinking. she sees the irony, and even told me it makes her sick. and i think she has gone to silentlambs .org recently too, and may be having some doubts about doctrine on her own (as in " hmmm , if there are all these victims of the WTS , how can they be god inspired? lets look at some doctrine now.").

    when i was first ready to tell her i was an atheist, i decided to stagger the news over the course of a month or so. and it was the month from hell. first i just explained why i held to evolution (hard mountain of evidence) for biological diversity (we're a bio/ eco family), and pointed out scholastic/intellectual dishonesty in the creator & creation books. later i explained the implications of evolution on JW doctrine. later i said i felt i just wanted to be a christian free of religion. later i said i felt that i was a deist. then later a pantheist. then later an agnostic. then an atheist. this is actually a recreation of the route i originally went in my investigations. the conversations we had in between, were very similar to ithinkisee and his wife. a lot of crying and all around misery. psychological hell.

    but now i think she is right at the point where she is willing to say: "hey, if it's the truth, it will stand up to critical thought." i assured her that she does not have to go the route that i went, and if she wants to stay in the truth for the sake of her family, that's cool too. no pressure. i just want her to have mental freedom more than anything. how she goes about obtaining that is up to her.


  • jgnat

    I am a non-JW woman who married a JW man. So he and I both knew what we were getting in to. It's still tough.

    Amazing 1914 here on the board did it. He details the story here:

    Lady Lee compiled a great list of threads, here:

    More common on this board is dealing with a non-JW in love with a JW. Our advice is to run, run as fast as you can. Few of the lovestruck listen. Ah, well, they'll be back a few years later, "Help, I am married to a JW, I have two kids and I don't want to raise them in this sucky religion."

    Winston Smith :>D The marriage may not have survived, but he fought with courage and heart.

    Family_Man successfully got his wife out. His situation is very similar to C_Y_P's, as his wife started studying after marriage. His may have been one of the more skillfull turnarounds, as he approached the situation with sanity and very little fanfare. Sorry, C_Y_P, his name just recently came back to me. You probably could have used his advice a lot sooner than this.

    Jourles was a great advocate for the xJW cause, and extremely cagey about his personal life. He feared if his activity were known, his wife would leave him. He was outed, the elders came down hard, the elders got scared and left him alone for a year, then finally DF'd him. To Jourles's great surprise, his wife accepted him as before.

    All these men spent a considerable amount of time studying and understanding their partner in order to develop a successful exit strategy. They spent some time developing their sensitive side! All these men are winners in my book.

    There you go, a gallery of rogues to give you hope. Happy reading.

  • M.J.

    I am another "unbelieving mate". I never was a dub. Got married when she was inactive. She became active when we were going to have our first son.

    It has been very trying but I have learned much from many on this board. And yes, we went through the transfusion ordeal except it was with my wife, who refused one for herself. Nearly lost her. That's what really snapped me into taking this JW thing dead seriously.

    I've shown her much damaging info and she has softened her hard line stance, to be sure, but there remains much work to be done! Like someone said on ITIS's thread, find out thier bottom line on what "does it" for them about the org. That's where you target your efforts. I'm in for a big challenge since we have young children. My advice is NOT to have children until you fully hash this thing out! The children are what completely rule OUT divorce/separation as a last resort option for me.

  • NewYork44M

    I would like to respectfully add to the comments made by CYP. Just to clarify, there are no failures, only a "work in progress." A person need to determine at what point will there be no change in the situation. That determination needs to be made based upon many circumstances, such as family and children. I would never judge a person that they should have done something different.

    In my case I did not ever want to regret that I left too soon. Or as my wife stated more than a few times, "you just left the truth so you can leave me."

    While I have no problem with the concept of "positive thinking" you need to be aware that in some circumstances all the positive thinking possible will not change basic facts. That being the case, I will be successful, and the success will come exactly when it is earned. I will you the same success in your situation. Good luck.

  • TheListener

    Count me in.

    I'm mentally out but physically active enough to fly under the radar.

    My wife knows I have doubts but not exactly what they are. Our discussions are tear jerkers but not screaming fests. I'm convinced that deep down she knows something is wrong but just can't face it. Perhaps as long as I'm semi-regular and not inactive or anything she doesn't need to face it.

    My logic has created a softening of the various WT rules in our household. I'm appreciative of that.

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