i wanted to post a lengthy message yesterday, but i couldn't express it the way i wanted. it was one horrible weekend, however i seem to have gotten over it again.
what was going on in the weekend?
1. i didn't go to the meeting, which led to my wife crying in the meeting, which led to my mother crying in the meeting, which led to my mom visiting me to insure herself that i'm "spiritually well"...
2. i had a very intersting talk to an elder (the one who has my essay about the faults of the wts and bible... some of you maybe remember).
3. i had a long long long psycho talk/argument/crying fest with my wife which resulted in her setting an ultimatum of one week for me to decide if i either go back to full JW including everything from field service report to assignments OR publicly tell everyone that i'm no longer interested in all that stuff.
alright. during all that i've had more suicidal thoughts than in my teens... life is tough sometimes.
luckily i was able to calm my wife yesterday, because i convinced her, that the 2 options she thought of are not the only ones. i promised her that i wouldn't be contra-everything in the org that obviously anymore... that's ok, i'm not that much of an activist anymore anyway. so things have settled again.
one thing you might be surprised about is my conversation with the elder. he's one of the two who would have come to visit me the other day, but i told them not to come. so now i was talking to him alone...
the point when it became interesting was when he asked the "do you still consider yourself a JW?" question. i thought, dammit, that's what everyone talked about on the board. i responded "i really don't want to answer this question". he said "oh, this really wasn't ment to be a trap", and i believe it. he didn't ever show my document to anyone either. so in the conversation i told him that the JW religion really aint that special, it's only one amongst many.
he agreed with most what i said, but always argued that the JW religion is motivating people to have high morals. i said that would implicate that non-JWs would have low moral standards and i have to disagree. however i wasn't able to convince him, he always pushed that point.
he later also asked if i still believe in a personal god. i said i've got a hard time seeing one. he was not that surprised... he even said it's pretty understandable, however he can't accept that everything developed by chance. i didn't push the topic any further though, because i had to leave.
before leaving he said, he's not into that judging-thing anymore, so it doesn't really matter to him if i believe this or that as long as i don't actively cause trouble in the congregation. he also said it wouldn't do anything good anyway to make a big case of all that (to disfellowship me, he didn't use any such word though).
so here i am again. had a horrible weekend, but life is good again.
up and down...
by googlemagoogle 12 Replies latest members private
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googlemagoogle
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kls
Sorry Google ,it does sound like you have been through alot with your wife etc and i know the feeling . Glad you are doing better today and always keep your chins up because there is always tomorrow .
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Crumpet
oh googlemagoogle have a hug from me. Sounds like you are going through absolute hell - it is so wrong what this cult does to people. But hopefully things will eventually calm and one day who knows your wife might be receptive to hearing some real truth from you!
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rebel8
Suicidal thoughts...that's really serious dude. Are you getting some help or emotional support? Do you have anyone you can talk to in person about this--a friend, a family doctor?
her setting an ultimatum of one week for me to decide if i either go back to full JW including everything from field service report to assignments OR publicly tell everyone that i'm no longer interested in all that stuff
An ultimatum? What happens if you do neither?
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Elsewhere
before leaving he said, he's not into that judging-thing anymore, so it doesn't really matter to him if i believe this or that as long as i don't actively cause trouble in the congregation. he also said it wouldn't do anything good anyway to make a big case of all that (to disfellowship me, he didn't use any such word though).
The hypocrisy is just astounding. The WTS fights tooth-and-nail in courts for their right to go around telling people about their religion, but at the same time they will gag anyone who tries to tell people about their own thoughts and ideas.
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trevor
googlemagoogle
No one has the right to give you ultimatum during such a difficult time.
I would respond with Watchtower Society jargon. Say you that to rush you is a form of ‘running ahead.’ You are ‘waiting on Jehovah’ for ‘new light.’ The situation will be sorted out 'when Jehovah decides' and so on. It takes the heat off you and makes any attempt to rush you look like opposition to ’Jehovah’s arrangement.’
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BrendaCloutier
((((( Google )))))I am sorry you had such a difficult weekend. I understand the suicidal thoughts completely. But as you are finding out, that is not the only answer. It certainly isn't the best answer. Even if your life as you see it today goes to hell in a handbasket, suicide is no choice because you're killing the wrong person!
Ok. So you're wife gave you 2 options diametrically(sp) opposed. Never worked with me, either, as I usually took the one opposite of what the person was trying to manipulate me into. I'm stubborn and contrary... ;)
If you can work with your wife at keeping the peace as life progresses, that is a good start. She just might begin to come around herself once the pressure of being a maryred JW wife eases. Same with your parental units.
Hugs and love
Brenda
PS - edited to add - Get a couple of phone numbers of poztates who have been there and understand. People you can call any hour necessary when the suicidal crap creeps into your consciousness. Use that phone. I know, it acn weigh 10 tons, and you don't want to be a bother, but you are worth it, and you're not the only one who has been there. Id offer my number but I'm in dire need of any restfull sleep I can get due to chronic illness. Hugs and love again.
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TheListener
Google,
I am really sorry man. I know exactly what you're going through. Just remember that you are an individual and you have the right to feel and believe the way you choose. Don't let anyone, even a close loved one, make you feel as if you cannot be yourself.
I'm where you are right now as well. Perhaps we can pm some information for each other. I've gotten some really good advice from a couple of posters here and it has been helping me.
Doesn't it suck; you seem to have a good sort of breakthrough moment, or at least a 'I'll leave you alone' moment from your wife and then the next thing you know all hell is breaking loose. It's like a roller coaster ride; and they choose the ups and downs without notice.
I'll be thinking about you. Please, please pm me if you want to talk.
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GoingGoingGone
Hi Google, I am exactly where you are, too. About two or three months ago, my husband gave me an ultamatum... either I went to the elders and said that I didn't want to be a witness anymore, or he would. (PS - He's an elder, too) I told him that if he did that, then he would be causing just as many problems for himself and our kids as for me. (I don't believe that, but it sounded good at the time.) He didn't go to the elders, as far as I know. At least, I haven't heard anything.
About a month ago, he told me that he could leave me if he wanted to. Lovely, since I gave up a possible Ivy League education and became a pioneer right out of high school. Supported myself with cleaning jobs. Stayed home with my kids and ran my husband's business... So I have no marketable skills.... anyway, I don't think he meant that part, really, he's just doing anything he can to shake me up.
Sunday, a very good friend of mine stopped by the house. They were out in service in my neighborhood. This lady is the most loving person to walk the earth, and she stopped by (with everyone else out waiting in the car) just to tell me that she misses me and she is worried about me.... she left in tears and all choked up. I felt terrible. But I can never go back..... I just can't.
Please please please pm me if you need to. If nothing else, sometimes it helps just to vent!!
Lots of love and hugs to you,
GGG
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googlemagoogle
thank you, everyone. i really feel much better now. sounds strange, but the people who know the most about what's going on inside me are people i've never met...
don't worry about the "suicidal thoughts" this weekend, it's nothing serious, really. when the whole world seems to crumble, that's just one thought that comes to mind. when my wife is crying for hours, telling my that i'm not the same anymore, that we are totally separated in our thoughts, that i should come back serving jehovah and on the other hand i know i've changed for better, we're only having problems because of the watchtower and i don't believe in jehovah but she won't accept it, it's hard to stay sane.
i've learned to not get angry in such situations. i think that helps. my wife has calmed again, she seems to be fine with my 3rd option. but as you say, you never know when hell breaks loose again.
i'm not that good in expressing my feelings, but i really appreciate your support. feels so good not to be alone. thanks a lot, everyone.