Parent sleeping with teenagers

by Fatfreek 87 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • SixofNine
    SixofNine

    Confession, I'm sure you came across pertinent research. You might want to know however that stillconcerned is a lawyer actively pursuing lawsuits against the society even as we type. I just trust that she's privy to the most current statistics and has a good feel for the reality on-the-streets, as it were.

    One thing that may skew the view here, is that it is w/out doubt shocking to learn how much abuse is perpetrated by females, but only because for so long, we assumed it didn't happen. And while it seems likely that it (female perp abuse) is more under-reported, relatively, male sexual abuse has been under-reported as well.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Good point Six.

    It's certainly boundary crossing, if not outright emotional incest.
    Maybe it was a bit inappropriate, but emotional incest? I don't think this sounds quite that serious. This sounds more like a mother who felt great loss and looked for comfort from her sons when she should have looked for it from friends or adult family members. Many grief stricken parents look for comfort from their children. Sometimes adults don't use good judgment when they are in deep emotional pain.

    Well a bit inappropriate could also be termed boundary crossing.

    As for emotional incest, I don't that that is necessarily overstating. I was responding to the parameters in the original post. There could easily be other dynamics in play, other ways the mother crosses boundaries and looks on her son as a boyfriend/lover. I think a woman who looks on her son the way she should look at a husband/boyfriend/lover IS emotionally incestuous.

    Note I did not say she was guilty of actually committing the act of incest, but to get that level of physical contact and with the boy saying he was very uncomfortable with the arrangement, is guilty of boundary crossing, if not emotional incest.



    Chris

  • Confession
    Confession

    Thanks, six. And, yes, I knew she was; read her profile. Good to have her.

  • EvilForce
    EvilForce

    Well on a counter point perhaps it was simply the boy having inappropriate thoughts about his mother that is the issue. His guilt of "cheating" on his father by having these thoughts is what has haunted him. As he stated nothing happened.

    I guess the greater tragedy may have been the mother having no one else to turn to. The JW's of the time would have told her to go to more meetings to "cure" her pain. So we have a whole group of people unable to find an outlet to move on to a healthier state. As was stated she didn't do this when the hubby was merely out of town, only when the divorce went through. So what changed? Also, if her intent was truly sexual in nature wouldn't more "inappropriate" behavior been shown?

    Perhaps it is our own discomfort at the sexualization of children that has become so rampant. Ie, Jonet Benet Ramsey. We cannot seperate sharing a sleeping quarters within a non-sexualized setting? Walk past an Ambercrombie store and all the ads are 3/4 naked boys and girls of barely legal age frolicking. Nakedness used to sell clothing...oldest ad trick in the book. The deification of the child is one that I struggle to understand.

    Making a judgement call based on a short post of an event told second hand over 20 years old is pretty tough. Was the mother guilty of bad judgement? Perhaps. Calling it "emotional incest" is a bit chicken little like saying the sky is falling.

    When I stayed with my grandmother I would share the same bed....at least until 13 or 14ish...can't recall specifically. Past when I had started masterbation and sexual development...I found nothing arousing, nor illicit about this arrangement. Listening to grandma snore was the most unplesant thing that happened. LOL

    If I had been a victim of child abuse I'm sure my thoughts would be different.... but I'm adding my 2 cents to this discussion. A big to do about nothing in my book.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    We cannot seperate sharing a sleeping quarters within a non-sexualized setting? Walk past an Ambercrombie store and all the ads are 3/4 naked boys and girls of barely legal age frolicking. Nakedness used to sell clothing...oldest ad trick in the book. The deification of the child is one that I struggle to understand.

    With all due respect EF, the setting in the original post was not characterized as non-sexualized. Please note FF wrote:

    It took lots of courage for this son to talk to his father about it since he wanted it off his chest. He related how uneasy he felt (he was the 15 year old) at times when she snuggled up to his back side and nudged him in what he felt were suggestive moves. Nothing ever happened, the boy conceded, but those events bothered him even after some 20 years when he related it to his father.

    The son took his mother's actions as sexual. Add in the fact he felt uncomfortable and felt more than a little shame over the experience. I think it's unfair to mischaracterize FF's description of the event as two people sleeping in the same bed. It's even more unfair to complain about the deification of children.

    I don't think the issue is a child sleeping in bed with a parent. The real issue is how the boy felt about the experience. The boy clearly felt a line was crossed and I think he has the right to say so. If you would have felt otherwise in the same situation, I understand but the original post was about this boy's feelings about how his mother behaved toward him.

  • gespro
    gespro
    If I had been a victim of child abuse I'm sure my thoughts would be different.... but I'm adding my 2 cents to this discussion. A big to do about nothing in my book.


    HUH? What is it that you mean 'a big to do about nothing' EvilForce?


    Hey BigTex, emotional incest is a good term to me...it's fitting. [I wish I could sue the WTS for emotional/spiritual abuse but, that's another thread...]



    It's sweet [and often times an annoyance,LOL] that a child can count on parents [even when their trying to sleep] to always be available to them.


    I think there is a major difference between our young children seeking comfort from us when they suddenly appear in our beds compared to a mother/father seeking comfort from a teenager. Regardless of whether or not something sexual occurred, it's inappropriate for her/him to seek that kind of emotional/physical comfort in bed! I'm sorry for rehashing but, I can't help restating some of the great comments on this thread.


    Let's talk about these boys [now young adults]: This act DID affect them emotionally because they are talking about it now. Things like this affect how we deal with women when we become of age, don't you think?


    I ask, in this context, why is it so hard for some people to understand that something other than a physical/sexual act can be just as detrimental? Does betrayal by an adult mean anything?

    EDIT: It took me so long to write this that Big Tex pretty much covered what I was thinking before I posted...doh

  • SixofNine
    SixofNine

    All I know is that Willy Wonka is one sick piece of literature! ewwww!

  • EvilForce
    EvilForce

    My point is....we are hearing a short post based on biased twenty year old second hand information. In it was admitted "nothing happened". Thus a big to do about nothing.
    While most here were quick to demonize the mother and use ridiculous adjectives I was offering a counterpoint to consider.
    Why was the "boy" feeling so guilty? As I mentioned was it HE who was having inappropriate thoughts about his mother? Did he misconstrue parental love for sexual stimulation? What are the possibilities of a 15 year old boy misunderstanding sexual / non sexual advances.
    This is my point. I couldn't care less one way or the other...but everyone jumping on the PC bandwagon made me want to at least point out other possibilities.
    Sorry for the interuption....let the harranguing of the woman continue.

  • Sara Annie
    Sara Annie
    When I stayed with my grandmother I would share the same bed....at least until 13 or 14ish...can't recall specifically. Past when I had started masterbation and sexual development...I found nothing arousing, nor illicit about this arrangement. Listening to grandma snore was the most unplesant thing that happened. LOL

    You likely slept with your Grandmother because that's where the bed was, and there's nothing inappropriate about that in the least. I did too, as a child, until about the same age--and so did my brother. No sexual undertones whatsoever.

    But I think the difference between what you describe above and the situation described by the original poster is that this boy did feel that something was 'wrong'. Your Grandmother did not request that you sleep with her because she was emotionally fragile and vulnerable and didn't want to sleep alone. In my head, the line was crossed when this mother, for whatever reason, decided that she needed her boys as a substitute for the husband who no longer shared her bed, and whether there was any sexual contact or not, it was a situation that was uncomfortable enough for the boy involved to remember and relate 20 years later. It's true that we have very little information, but from what we DO know, I think the mother's judgement was questionable at the least. Not much to be done, in any case.

    On a broader (and related) note, I think there's been a very strange shift in the last 20 years or so in the way that parents (mothers in particular) view their relationship with their children. It's almost as if the parent-child relationship has become blurred with the spousal relationship--a strange shifting of emotional intimacy (not sexual) from one's spouse to one's children. I see it all the time with my friends who have effectively ignored their their partners/husbands in the name of "the child comes first". I adore our children and we are committed, loving parents. But my marriage is the primary relationship in our home, and turning to my children to fill the void in my life that would exist if my husband were suddenly not here isn't an option.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    My point is....we are hearing a short post based on biased twenty year old second hand information. In it was admitted "nothing happened". Thus a big to do about nothing.

    Biased? Okay, prove it. What empirical data do you have that proves beyond a reasonable doubt the account is biased?

    Secondly, define please the parameters of "nothing happened"? Are you talking about child rape? Are you referring to fondling a child? Is penetration of a child your only accepted definition?

    Lastly, what exactly did the boy do about this experience? You say "a big to do about nothing", and yet I am at a loss to see what "big to do" this boy made about what his mother forced on him. Perhaps I have missed something in account. Please enlighten me.

    While most here were quick to demonize the mother and use ridiculous adjectives I was offering a counterpoint to consider.

    Forgive me, but if I understand the background you've presented online you are not a parent. While that in no way eliminates you from a discussion regarding the appropriate behavior a parent should show a child, it does give insight. While I understand your counterpoint, I've noticed that you seem to be quick to dismiss the thoughts and feelings of someone who has expressed shame and, at the very least, great discomfort in his mother behavior. I find this curious as if the boy were irrelevent to the discussion. Again, the boy did not ask to sleep with his mother, nor did he want her to rub up against him. Indeed, he expressed the opposite feelings and yet you quickly dismiss a legitimate response to what, in his mind, was inappropriate behavior.

    I'm curious, if the genders were reversed, and a father asked his 15 year old daughter to sleep with him, and the daughter later reported he had an erection and rubbed up against her, would also dismiss her feelings of shame and uncomfortableness?

    Why was the "boy" feeling so guilty? As I mentioned was it HE who was having inappropriate thoughts about his mother?

    Please re-read the original post. Please show me where in the account the boy expressed any inappropriate thoughts. If you will remember I quoted the post for you once, perhaps you did not read it. The account said the boy felt "uneasy". How is feeling uneasy, inappropriate?

    Did he misconstrue parental love for sexual stimulation? What are the possibilities of a 15 year old boy misunderstanding sexual / non sexual advances.

    Red herring. There is no evidence he did. This is wild speculation on your part. Again, it is more important, and with more long-term benefit to all involved, to focus on the boy's feelings. That the boy felt uncomfortable, and that a personal boundary was crossed is without question. I say that because each of us has the right to say what happens to our bodies. The mother crossed this boundary by insisting her son sleep with her even though he did not want to. She reinforced this by rubbing her body against his. He did not want this to happen. Surely you can agree that an individual has the right to say who will, or will not, use their body? In this case, the boy felt (operative word) violated. I hesitate to use the word mild, but this instance of violation was not as severe as it could have been, or in ways that other parents have used their children.

    This is my point. I couldn't care less one way or the other...but everyone jumping on the PC bandwagon made me want to at least point out other possibilities.

    At the risk of "jumping on the PC bandwagon", may I point out that my interest in this thread revolves solely around the boy, and his feelings of being violated. That you do not is apparent, but I choose to show care and concern toward the little person rather than the those that should protect, but instead do not. And yes, I'm hopelessly naive, and a bleeding heart liberal and most likely a bear of very little brain.

    Sorry for the interuption....let the harranguing of the woman continue.

    Please define "harranguing". Do you object to applying proper labels to specific behavior?

    Chris

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit