YOU MIGHT BE A JW IF......
If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you might
be a JW.
If you see no problem with arguing that a loving god would never
create a hell, while at the same time promoting the idea that this
same god is about to kill all non-JW human beings in a fair judgment,
you are a JW.
If you believe that it is a example of love and kindness to visit
with your grandchildren while forcing your ex-JW daughter to sit in
the car outside, you might be a JW.
If you think passively taking in repetitious brainwashing at several
meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a
JW.
If you cannot imagine that people are capable of ethical and loving
behavior outside of complete social control, you may be a JW.
If you feel that it is ethical behavior to shun (rather than counsel)
people in your religious group who have committed a sin, you may be a
JW.
If you allow a corporation to take the place of God, you may be a JW -
or you may just be an American making an offering to the real
religion of the majority - money.
If you think the spiritual center of God's Kingdom is in New York
City, you are either a stockbroker or a JW.
If you feel guilty for having a friend or two outside the membership,
you might be a JW.
If you think it's an act of unfaithfulness to God to get an education
or a decent job, you might be a JW.
If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge - despite
never having gone to school beyond 12th grade and/or never having
read any biblical scholarship - you might be a JW.
If you think the idea of the trinity is anti-christian, you might be
a JW.
If you think the name "Jehovah" appeared in the original writings of
the Greek Scriptures, you are a JW.
If you believe that only anonymous and somewhat secretive organizers
in Brooklyn can dictate which bible texts are to be interpreted
literally and which symbolically, you are a JW.
If a biblical statement outright disagrees with what is taught in the
Watchtower - but you believe the Watchtower is correct, you are most
probably a JW.
If you consider cleaning up a messy backyard to be practice for
working in the "New System of Things on Paradise Earth", you are a JW
(especially if you routinely think in capital letters).
If you think demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china,
books or blue smurfs, you might be a JW.
If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might
be a JW.
If you think that all men with facial hair are unacceptable, you
might be a JW.
If you think that Overseers (district or circuit) do not receive a
salary, you are a JW.
If your reaction to someone wearing a cross is the same as a
vampire's, you might be a JW.
If you think JW's are not an authoritarian cult, you are probably a
JW.
If you think the Watchtower is not a brainwashing tool, you may be a
JW.
If you think field service does not involve agriculture, you might be
a JW.
If you think elders can be 30 years old, you might be a JW.
If you can imagine newspaper headlines that read "All humans on earth
except JWs are destroyed!" with joy in your heart, you'd be a JW.
If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can't unclasp
your right hand, you probably have "bookbagitis" - making you a
student or a JW, but probably not both.
If you can't have a conversation with another human being without
saying "Jehovah," you are a JW.
If you are a male and your first reaction to a brief interruption of
a meeting - by the entrance of a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt -
is "how immodest that sister is," then you are a JW.
If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it but insist
that it is only because they were "on sale," you are a JW in denial.
If you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on "Family
Gift Day," you are a JW with too many "worldly associations."
If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else's
cigarette and no one will believe you that it's not yours, you're
probably a JW.
If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how
comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential
streets in 95 degree heat, then you may be a JW.
If you are a woman who just bought a dress that comes down to your
mid-calf, has puffy sleeves, a collar that buttons to your chin and
lace trim, then you are a JW with a part at the next Assembly.
If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours
at a time while adults discuss mind-numbingly boring topics around
him, you have broken your child's spirit and you might be a Jehovah's
Witness.
If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then
suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and
plans of pyramids, you must be a JW.
If you think that all R-rated movies are too worldly and corrupting
for grown adults to watch, you might be a JW.
If you can't pick up anything to read without also picking up
something to underline or highlight with, you might be a JW.
If you insist on calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you
might be a JW.
If - when you drive by a church or synagogue or mosque or temple -
you suddenly feel smug and superior, you might be a JW.
If - when you drive by a Kingdom Hall - you suddenly feel all warm
and fuzzy, you might be a JW.
If you're sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you
might be a JW.
If you've spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball or
drank a beer, you might be a JW.
If you're always afraid someone might see and hear you when you're
finally just being "normal", you might be a JW.
If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a
JW.
If most of your friends are referred to with the title "brother"
or "sister" you might be a JW.
If you've never watched "Friends" or "Seinfeld," you might be a JW.
If your church is a "hall" and a sermon is a "public talk", you might
be a JW.
If you wash cars, repair refrigerators, install flooring, or clean
houses for a living - but still own at least five suits or dresses,
you might be a JW.
If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.
If you're 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you
might be a JW.
If you go to New York for the weekend and spend a whole day in a
publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.
If the words "New Light" do not remind you of the hardware section at
K-Mart, you might be a JW.
If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to witness to
someone, you may be a JW.
If, because of its pagan roots, you have never had a Christmas tree,
you might possibly be a JW.
If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question
about anything, you have to be a JW.
If you find out that your co-worker's mother died, and your first
thought is that it's a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom...
you might be a JW.
If the thought of entering a Christian bookstore sends shivers up and
down your spine, you might be a JW.
If going to gas station convenience store feels like recess, you
might be a JW in field service.
If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby
quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get
out of field service.
If you fully expect never to give or receive a present in December,
you are probably a JW.
If hearing the term "Governing Body" causes you to become awestruck,
you might be a JW.
If you think the term "pioneer" refers to someone who works full-time
(for free), you might be a JW.
If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are
demons, you are probably a JW.
If, as a teenager, you were actively discouraged from listening to
contemporary music (whether country, folk, rock, heavy metal, disco,
ethereal, punk, rap - or whatever), you might possibly be a JW
(especially if you believe that KISS was an acronym for "Knights in
Satan's Service").
If you see the title of "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix
and you feel spiritually refreshed, but afraid to listen to the song,
you might be a JW.
If Gospel music makes you cringe, but Kingdom Songs make you feel
good, you have to be a JW (and who else knows the Kingdom Songs?)
If the word "apostate" makes you shiver in terror, you might be a JW.
If you think 1914 is a significant year in an apocalyptic timeline,
you might be a JW.
If you think (or used to think) that 1975 was a significant year in
an apocalyptic timeline, you are probably a former JW.
If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ
returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a
very old, disfellowshipped JW.
If you think you, on your own, misinterpreted or imagined the year
1975 as the year the end would come, thereby absorbing all
responsibility away from the Watchtower Society, you are a JW in good
standing.
If your closet is full of polyester suits, you might be an aluminum-
siding salesman and/or a JW.
If you think that a door slamming shut is actually a form of
persecution against the righteous, you might be a JW.
If you think the "New World Translation" is the least biased and most
accurate translation of the hebrew and greek books known collectively
as the Bible, you are most likely a JW.
If you think it takes two thousand years to collect a literal 144,000
true Christians, you are probably a JW (although if it were true that
the number 144,000 was a literal number, there would certainly be
room for argument).
If you think "The Finished Mystery" which was released in 1917
was "meat in due season", you might be a JW (who has obviously never
read the book).
If you think the Watchtower was preaching the truth in the years 1914-
1919, you are definitely a JW.
If you believe that - mysteriously - there was a Governing Body
before 1971, you are a JW.
If you justify watching the Jerry Springer show by saying that the
people who pass the microphones remind you of a meeting, you might be
a JW.
If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes
New Light again is God's way of doing things, you are a JW.
If the Watchtower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago
and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.
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These are funny when you read through them, but also sad in a way. The truth in them makes a real good reason to never become a JW because they hit pretty close to home.
Any thoughts?
Annie