Bi-Sexual

by misguided 50 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  misspeaches

  Misguided... First up you must be doing something right for your son to find you so approachable.

  Secondly I thought telling you about my friend may be of some help. Some people have said that it is too young an age to know your sexuality. However my best friend is gay. He was brought up as a JW and is now a successful fader. When my friend told me that he is gay he told me that he has known since he was a child that he was different. And once he hit puberty he knew definately that he is gay.

  What I am trying to say is that your son may be very aware of his sexuality. It doesn't necessarily mean he is going to act upon it. If he told you he liked a girl I am sure you would not assume he is going to go out and start having sex or anything. All you can do is continue on in the path you have already gone upon. Continue to remain a confidante for your boy and give him the support he so desperately needs during one of the most awkward stages of his life.

  Miss Peaches.
• 

  rick1199

  You must be a great Mum, I would never have told MYSELF I was gay at that age, let alone my mother. I know of course, but was in serious denial.
• 

  EvilForce

  DarkUncle and Mispeaches...both great answers.
  
  You have an awesome opportunity here. He is sharing something so inately personal with you that most kids (myself included) simply shut my parents out of. He is quite likely to know what his sexuality means. He may be going thru a phase yes. He may be bi yes. Or maybe he is really gay and is using the "bisexual" label to slowly let you adapt to it. I knew I was gay at 11 or 12 so he isn't really that young. So you have an opportunity to keep the communication lines open....or have them get shut down. And if you shut them down, they quite likely will shut down for a very, very long time.
  
  Tell him how YOU FEEL. Don't try and hide your feelings or whatnot. Be as open with him as he is with you. Tell him what makes you scared, what makes you happy, what makes you wonder about his sexuality. Obviously allow enough room for "personal space" as he doesn't need to tell you all the intimate details of his sexual life as you don't need to tell him about yours. But do not try and "spare" his feelings any, as you can never save someone from hurt. Being honest and open promotes understanding. But then also try to find out HOW HE FEELS. Without judging. Remember, this conversation is probably the hardest thing he has done in his whole life.
  
  When I came out to my parents only a couple of years ago....they told me they wished I lied to them and really didn't want to know. Here was their 1st REAL opportunity to get to know their child. The child that had always put 500 or 1,000 miles of distance between them because it was just too painful to be honest. So to get told they wished I lied was pretty heart wrenching.
  
  But makes sure he knows you love him regardless of his sexuality. He is not broken. He does not need counseling. He needs your unconditional love. You'll bumble along just fine if you keep that first and foremost.
  
  Good luck, let us know if we can help.
• 

  Sirona

  The only thing I can add here is: I would definately ask him if he has had sex and who with. The reason I would ask is he is a minor child and I'd want to make sure that an older person (man or woman) hadn't influenced him in any way towards his realisation of his bisexuality.

  A youngster who is influenced by an older man to have sex with them might conclude that they're bisexual because they "consented" to it. I'm not trying to scare you I'm just telling you what I'd wonder about and what I'd ask him.

  In the end, it is likely that Evilforce is right and he might simply know he is bi or gay. It is GREAT that he feels he can talk to you about it.

  Sirona
• 

  scotsman

  Top marks to you Rose for being so approachable. It sounds to me like you don't need too much advice from us, having handled the news well, just keep the lines of communication open and forget about your witness family. They have no right to know.

  As a caveat to EF's advice I'd be careful about telling him everything you feel (i.e. the JW programmed thoughts) because once something's said, it's hard to take it back. My own mother told me that she'd rather I was dead than gay, before she found out I was. To her credit, despite being a JW she regrets saying it now.

  Good luck!
• 

  tijkmo

  He has never been a really "boyish" type of boy. He's always been rather nurturing in nature.

  in which case they have probably been calling him 'gay' at school for years

  and since he knows he likes girls but cant adopt a 'macho' stance for the sake of stopping the name callers he may have convinced himself he must be bi

  tell him you dont think he is...but that it wouldnt matter if he was
• 

  LittleToe

  I was mortified when my dad decided to study the "Youth" book (the red one) with me, as a fifteen year old, far less younger. The fact that he's open with you about this astounds me and says a lot for your parenting skills

  We had a revealing thread about where members of this site sit on a scale of sexuality, given that most here tend to paint themselves as heterosexual or homosexual. It was discovered that it wasn't that clear cut:
  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/15/88892/1.ashx

  Other than that, I think you've received some pretty good advice about how to handle yourself in this situation, given that the "issues" seem mainly to be on your own side.

  As you well know, parenting is often about "winging it", and it sounds like you're doing incredibly well
• 

  peacefulpete

  Just to add that sexual play, which if performed by adults would be regarded as having sex,is very common for prepubecent and maturing kids. Even the Awake had a Young People Ask article back in the 80s that recognised as much. Boys especially want to know what sex is and generally they experiment with those they are closest with, other boys. Nude wrestling and horsing around, and later "circle jerking", mutual masterbation, even oral sex are not uncommon. Perhaps as much as 50% of boys act out this kind of sexual play. I would have smiled and said that those feelings of confusion are quite normal and not to worry IF he had experimented with other boys and girls. I would make sure he undersatnds about how pregnancy occurs. It would be very wise to ask the boy whether there were adults involved, and NOT to ask for names of other children. To demand names of other kids would both be asking him to betray a trust and be making the sexual play appear to be something criminal needing to be reported. I knew in our KH that most of the kids had done such experimenting when preteens to 15. Some carried a guilt for decades worrying if they were "weird" or "perverted". No they were normal, the sexually repressed environment they were in was perverted.
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  LittleToe

  Pete:
  I've got to add agreement to that, too.
  Most everyone I've ever discussed it with played "Doctors and Nurses" and suchlike at some point, sometimes in a group setting, and not limited to the opposite sex.
• 

  nicolaou

  Agree with the more experienced posters above me. As a Dad all I would say is that if your teenage son is willing to open up and discuss his sexuality with you then you must be doing something right!

  You sound like a very cool and loving Mum..