Need advice from people with a JW partner

by sass_my_frass 14 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  sass_my_frass

  Hi, I'll sum up: recently disfellowshipped, and am marrying my love, who is not a witness. I'm jumping through the hoops to get reinstated (to get my family back, and then do the slow fade) but am going to review that choice as time goes by as I choose him as my new life, not them. However right now I think that life will be better, long term, if I can pick up the phone and talk to my family, every now and then. I don't want to always be damaged.
  

  Anyway... there are many here whose partner / spouse is a witness or recovering witness and if you don't find this offensive I'd like to tap into your experience. I want to be realistic about how my life as a recovering witness will affect our lives together. I'm really enjoying escaping, but it's a bit overwhelming and I don't want it to be the story of our lives.

  What are some things that I should be careful of?

  If your partner could do something, or stop doing something, to make your relationship better, what would it be?

  Thanks so much
• 

  Cordelia

  its wierd when i was married to a jw i used to actually enjoy the feeling of believing the same things and going everywhere together, i often wonder how it would be if i married an 'unbeliever' would i miss that feeling? i dont think so now i dont believe it but i cant be sure, so good thread!

  one question tho sass, how are u attending the meetings and trying to get reinstated if you are still with the boy? are you living with him? just asking coz i have hid my boyfriend from everyone so that i look repentant and can go to the meetings and my family have a little hope!

  i am wrong tho and you are right coz i will prob hurt them more in the long run or i will give everything up for them and be unhappy myself! so how are you working it?
• 

  sass_my_frass

  We're not living together until after the wedding. He is actually in a different city until then too. And as it happens, I haven't 'seen' him since long before I told the elders about him, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm repentant.
  

  I was hiding him for as long as we were working out what to do, and it was hurtful to both of us. 'Coming out' was a massive relief and we are always happy to be out in public now. I kept putting off the announcement, and it was unfair on him. It's so much better now, and my family are just going to have to cope. But it's easier for mine than yours because (for now) I am making the effort to be reinstated.
• 

  Cordelia

  im making the effort too but they think i have give him up, and i am far from doing that!

  i think you have the right idea if i could, i would marry him then get reinstated, then leave but at least i could throw myself in my familys face and demand them to say hello without feeling like i have destroyed their conscience!

  thats my plan anyway at the mo im just decieving my family and feel like crap,coz they think i am well on my way to getting reinstated.

  i bet it must be a relief so well done to you, you must be sure of someone tho to go thru all that, thats what scares me (a little!)

  glad you asked the questions youd did id like to see the answers!

  hugs cordy x
• 

  Why Georgia

  I'm married to a fading away Jw. It has absolutely effected every part of our life together.

  From my first birthday with him - where he didn't buy me anything because they never did birthdays at his house to recently when the Elders have been hunting him down.

  It's caused a lot of stress.

  I hope your potential mate is easy going and knows how to laugh....because some days life really sucks.

  WG
• 

  sass_my_frass

  I just got Crisis of Conscience and am looking forward to getting into that.
  

  Thanks, yeah I have done xmas lunches at work for a few years, and I'll do the family xmas gigs they do, and I'll stop being such a twit about birthdays. That is, I've always given myself a private party or been away on holiday for mine, and I'll do the same for him.

  We're not having children, so we won't face that big old monster.

  He's asked me about blood; I don't know yet. For now I have asked him to not allow any transfusions, because the idea still grosses me out. I'll look into it. I hope that they're right that medicine is not using it as a crutch so much now. But I haven't carried a blood card for years, so... yes I suppose I want any measures taken to ensure that I live. But now that I've said that out loud, I feel creepy.

  I know it's not easy for him, but it's all I know, so I don't know WHAT is not easy for him. I suppose I mean; I'm still subject to the 'doublethink' process, and that would be frustrating for him. So if you can suggest things that have gotten between you and your partner, I'll know what to be aware of. I don't really know which of my though processes are 'normal' and which are a result of a lifetime of programming.
• 

  bikerchic

  Well I don't fit the scenario of having an unbelieving mate......oops yes I do he's an x-jw and doesn't believe any of the religion anymore! LOL

  My only advise is to forget getting re-instated and get on with a life outside of the B'org with your future husband. I would think having such a serious devision in your marriage would be so harmful. Instead of being concerned totally with building your life with him you would always have that wedge of doing things the JW way just to have family. Don't get me wrong family is important but you really need to decide which is more important IMHO.

  You might ask him if he wants to deal with these issues all your married life and be divided on big issues like the blood which is a biggie and what about holidays? Work functions, politics and other things? Sneaking around is no way to live. Do you really want to bring in a lot of JW crap into your marriage?

  Again it's just my opinion but if you aren't ready to separate from your family at this time it's not a good idea to expect him to put up with all the nonsense that goes along with this cult. I just don't think it's fair to try to live a life divided, which do you love more your family or your boyfriend? You really can't have it both ways and please each other.

  Being an adult requires that you make serious decisions and getting married requires that you respect each other, it would be hard to respect someone who puts their family above their marriage mate. You are setting yourself up for a disaster or at the very least a lot of problems, again just my opinion.
• 

  Maverick

  I was in the Borg for about 26 years and have been deprogrammed for two years now. I have a pretent JW GF. Her son and married daughter are active drones. She doesn't get me gifts for the Holidays but expects them on hers. She goes to a few meetings and assemblies and has a bunch of JW girl friends. It is a social thing with her because if you ask her any questions on doctrine she has no clue. I spread a rumor that we are secretly married and the Elders leave her alone. I told the PO that as long as they don't upset things for me I'll not bother them. My ex, a dub, tries all the time to cause trouble for us but the elders blow her off, as many of you ladies know they have little respect for women.

  I leave the JW issues alone and so does the GF. I respect her son and daughter even though they have their JW self-righteous noses in the air. I suppose having a JW mate is like having a combat veteran for a mate. A lot of psychological trauma and deep emotional abuse is the norm for anyone in the collective for a long time.
• 

  jgnat

  I am a non-JW married to an active JW. I have lots of ideas on how a non-JW partner should be treated. Gee, where do I start?

  • Stop orbiting the Watchower, coloring all your decisions based on what they think. You are still orbiting them, you know.
  • Be public about your devotion to your man.
  • Don't be quiet or shy about your wedding. Celebrate it as the joyous event it is.
  • Stop referring to your man as an "unbeliever", even in your thoughts. I am sure he believes in many things.
  • Don't fuss over his personal appearance when you know you will be out with Witnesses.
  • If a JW is rude in the presence of your man, defend him there and then. Say, "That is rude" or "He is NOT an unbeliever."
  • Research the traditional holidays and adopt annual activities that are meaningful for both of you. Don't just tolerate these days, make them special.
  • Talk, talk, talk about your beliefs and what is important to both of you. Be a team.
  • Don't use him as a shield or an excuse from your JW family. Confidently make your stand with them, with him at your side.
  • Use him as a sounding-board for normal. Ask him. "Is it normal to....?" If he says, "That's outrageous!" believe him. Jez is coming to this way of thinking, and it is saving her a lot of grief when she listens.
  • Never, never, never cave to the guilt. When the family begs you to stay involved with the Watchtower so that they can stay happy, don't fall for it. You are not responsible for other peoples' happiness.
  • It is not selfish to be happy. Tell them so.

  I don't want to always be damaged.

  You don't get un-damaged by complying to their reinstatement schedule. All you do is prolong the abuse.

  I want to be realistic about how my life as a recovering witness will affect our lives together. I'm really enjoying escaping, but it's a bit overwhelming and I don't want it to be the story of our lives.

  Be real. Force your family to cope with who you are, not the other way around. Consider this. Whatever your status with the Watchtower, what keeps you from picking up the phone whenever you want? Nothing. The people with the problem are on the other end of the line. They are responsible for how they respond to your kindnesses. It is not your fault if they shun, are rude, reject you, whatever. Don't let damaged people run your life.
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  I understand you don't plan to have children, but children don't always care about your little plans. They are quite self-centered little people, with an uncanny knack for showing up at the most inopportune times.

  I am not a dub, but I am married to one. From what I understand, the big thing is the phobias that have been instilled in you to keep you compliant. You may not care enough about yourself to have those phobias overcome your newly found disgust with the JW life.

  But if you have children your phobias will come back with a vengance. What wasn't enough of a fear for you to stay a dub will be multiplied by 1000 when applied to your children. The "former-dub-who-marries-a-worldly-but-then-has-kids-and-freaks-out-and-gets-reinstated" is so common it is a cliche.

  You must hunt down your phobias and kill them.

  I understand that Randall Watters has some good "deprogramming" videos on his web site, freeminds.org. You also might want to consider counseling. Like anyone who has been victimized or abused, you need to understand that experience and how it is affecting you. Only when you understand at a conscious level, how these things affect you, will you be able to deal with yourself consciously.

  I think this is particularly important since you are going to attempt a fake-and-a-fade. You need to protect yourself from all those old phobias and appeals.

  Have you considered trying to get some of your family to leave with you! I and others are reading and implementing Releasing the Bonds by Steven Hassan. It is a how to get your loved one out of a cult book. It is quite good. Since reading it I have had many successes.

  Good luck. (I intentionally did not ask that the laws of probability be in your favor)