Dan F's horrible abuse separated a family. But it is time for the healing to begin. Dan married Lynne in the early 70's and with her came 2 stepchildren, Dawn & Darrin. Dan's son Scott was 6 years old at the time. Soon thereafter Danielle was born into the family, tying the children together. While Dawn was being sexually abused, Scott and Darrin were being physically abused. The physical abuse came at the hands of both parents and Scott and Darrin faced constant abuse. Life was very hard for all the children. They faced horrors no child should face, but they went through it together. Darrin's father was also abusive so he moved back and forth between families trying to figure out which was the better of the two households. Scott was reunited with his mother when he was 12 but it had been so long since he had seen her (7 years) that he felt lost and alone in a house with a mother he did not know and a new stepfather that was emotionally abusive. As horrible as it was, at least he new what to expect when he was with his dad. So he went back. When Scott was 13 and Darrin was 15 Darin decided to move back to California with his father. By the time Darrin did end up coming back to live with his mom, Scott had gone to live with his mom again. They did not see each other again for 26 years.
Scott and Dawn got to see each other again briefly in 1990. It was awkward though because Dawn was not sure what to make of Scott because he was the adult son of her abuser and Scott did not understand that she was abused and had always felt envious of the attention & "affection" his father showed to Dawn. It was not until a couple years later that Dawn and Scott spoke heart to heart on the phone and it all came out. Scott supported his stepsister and started to piece together the things he witnessed as a kid. Now as an adult looking back it was clear that his dad was not showing affection in the normal sense of the word. Scott kept phone contact and was able to see Dawn a couple times after that. There was no contact with Darrin through the years until I (Scott's wife) met his girlfriend on the Internet. Scott and Darrin spoke once but it was hard. There was a lot of history there and neither of them is good on the phone.
Last month Scott decided it was time to gather the family together and see some old friends. It was time for healing to begin. We called some old friends (more like family) that Scott, Dawn, & Darrin had grown up with and arranged to travel to their house to have a reunion. We just returned home and I wanted to share the experience.
When we arrived Scott & Darrin didn't even recognize each other, as they were teens the last time they saw each other and are 38 & 40 years old now. Right away they decided to take a drive around town and see some of the old houses they lived in. Vicki and I tagged along. As they pulled up to each house the reminisced about some of the things they remembered. They were both welling up with tears. Scott remembered that Darrin, being Dan's stepson always seemed to get the worst of the abuse. Darrin talked about how they would at times escape up into the hills to avoid Dan. After we arrived back at our friend's house and Vickie and I got out of the car the guys stayed in and talked for nearly an hour. It ended with red swollen eyes and a hug. Scott has not discussed the conversation with me other than to say that it was a good thing. This was on Friday. We only had one more day to spend together as we had to be on the road to get home early Sunday morning.
On Saturday we had breakfast together and then spent the day hanging out and talking. Our friends had arranged that a few people come over and we had a BBQ. Scott and Darrin did not seem to get in a lot of "talk time" Saturday, but when it came time to say our goodbyes it was apparent that neither of them wanted to say it. They ended with a long hug and more tears.
Both Darrin and Scott have been terribly affected by what Dan did to them. Scott has also carried guilt for what his father has done to others. I have tried to tell him he can't take that on but it is hard for him. Scott has talked to me about his experiences, but I wasn't there. I could not possibly know what he went through. Darrin and Scott endured together and can really relate. I believe there is a lot more to be said between them and they have a long way to go, but they are on the right track. Now that they have reunited we have determined that we will keep in touch and visit as often as possible. They have been through a lot together and it is a shame that Dan was able to cause a separation between them, but it is up to them to bridge that gap and start the healing and it seems they are finally ready to do that.
It is amazing the affect that abuse has on people. You can sit back and let it destroy you or you can pick up the pieces and try to move on. It is not an easy thing to do, but it can be done.
Thankfully, Scott broke the cycle of abuse and we have been able to raise healthy, happy children. We have not been perfect, but we have not EVER been abusive to our children. They don't know their grandfather or step grandmother and NEVER will. That kind of evil has no place in their lives.
Hopefully, this reunion will help to resolve some personal demons in the lives and minds of both Scott and Darrin.
What Dan has done can't keep them apart any longer