How do you explain to people who have never been in how screwed up you are?

kwintestal

I was having a conversation the other day with a good friend, one of the few good friends I've had in my life and he expressed frustration because it seems to him I'm always pushing away. I listened to him but didn't immediately respond, and I've thought about it a lot the last couple of days. I've known him for almost 2 years, and in that time we've become like brothers.

He knows some of the problems I've gone through leaving the JW's, but I'm sure isn't aware of how socially impaired some people are who leave. He doesn't know how hard it is to spend 25 years of your life pushing people away, not getting close to them because they're just bird food. I've had the last 2 years to reprogram my way of thinking, should I still find this difficult? Should I still find it tough to build relationships with people?

He says that he's frustrated because I don't open up and tell him what's going on in my head, behind the scenes. How do I explain to him what happened the last time I opened up to someone about what was going on in my head? How do I say that the last time I confided in my best friend of over 10 years about what was going on, what I was reading and trying to figure out, that this best friend of 10 years said good-bye that evening and never again returned my phone calls, emails or opened the door when I visited? How do I begin to explain the serious trust issues that I now have, the guard that I put up to protect myself?

The last few months have been really good, but just when I feel like I'm getting ahead, it feels like something hits me and sends me right back.

Kwin

kls

Wow ,good question Kwin and i have sat here trying to think of a answer and only one i can think of is what many Vets go through after coming back from the war. In war you are taught to kill and know that your friends could die so some try not to get to close .Then the solider come home from war and is supposed to fit into society like everyone else.

Hope you know what i mean but it early and me brains are sleeping.

blondie

I figure people understand better if they have been down a similar road.

People who have exited religions with cultic characteristics probably could identify with an ex-JW. People who have never had abuse or alcoholism rip their family apart would find it hard ti undestand one who has.

I used to feel that I would never heal f rom my abuse or the alcoholic patterns laid down in my youth, but with concerted effort and work and with the help of other people who have successfully dealt with those issues, I can say I am not "screwed up" any longer. I can remember the past and help others learn to deal with theirs without being stuck in the paiin.

So the answer is, some people will never totally understand, but that doesn't mean they can't show empathy, love, support.

Blondie

Will Power

(((Kwin)))

I am trying to understand the same kind of situation, only I'm on the other side of always being the one pushed away. Now after all this time how do I build trust, knowing deep down that I'll be pushed away at the most crucial times, again and again. Alive but dead.

Before the big conversion, it was lurking, the trust was dying, but the Watchtower's weekly sermons give one a license to continue on a grander scale to shut out & shut down, to numb the heart - to selfishly go after the carrot - to live forever no matter who gets in my way.

How do you explain to the one you want to be with that they are being screwed up ON PURPOSE and screwing those around them as well?

I have tears of joy for you kwin knowing that you have your wife by your side. Baby steps.

Ever try reading some Chicken Soup books?

will

rebel8

You need to help them understand how the b0rg are different from normal religions. Here are a few points that have helped me explain in the past:

It is definitely a mind control cult. Well-known brainwashing techniques are used.
Rules for every single aspect of daily life are controlled by the church leaders and adherence is enforced by investigation, judicial committees, suspension of church privileges, and frequent excommunications. Life aspects that are controlled include: sex, dating choices, music, leisure activities, clothing, makeup, hair styles, job choices, education, etc.
The cult excommunicates anyone who exhibits independent thinking, does not believe the teachings, or even questions the teachings.
3 meetings per week are mandatory, totaling 5 hrs, plus fellowship time afterwards. In order to avoid being labeled as a bad person, members must read materials to prepare for the meetings, participate in services by commenting in microphones, and give speeches themselves.
It is mandatory to spend as much time as humanly possible attempting to convert others, including having only a part time job to free up oneself to preach, sacrificing social and leisure activities, etc.
It is mandatory to lead one's life as though the End of the World will be coming at any moment, and Jesus will be killing off all the non-believers.
It is mandatory not to socialize with non-members unless it is done in an attempt to convert them.
Holidays, birthdays, beards, and saying the Pledge of Allegiance are not allowed.
Women cannot assume leadership positions within the church or family if a male is present.
Blood transfusions are not allowed, even if it means a member or child must die.

By then, you oughta have 'em convinced.

unique1

the last time I confided in my best friend of over 10 years about what was going on, what I was reading and trying to figure out, that this best friend of 10 years said good-bye that evening and never again returned my phone calls, emails or opened the door when I visited.

Tell him exactly that.

Then you can get into to why your friend did that years ago. Get some of the old publications that explain how JW's are to treat people outside the congregation. The Youth book would be perfect. Then he will hopefully understand better.

Satanus

Ditto here. I find that those who tend to be my friends are ones who have been alchaholics or crack/coke users, and have recovered through aa or ca. But, even they don't understand when i explain about the religion. It's like they had something similar, but it was a lot smaller, and they have overcome it. They can't understand how i wouldn't just do the same. Explaining hasn't helped much.

S

sweet tee

Great list rebel8. I too have a hard time explaining the effects the cult has had on me. The thing that used to make us stand out as 'different' to other people (our veil of self-righteousness) now makes us seem weird. I'm 7 years out and still haven't gotten over it ... will I ever? I dunno.

diamondblue1974

My partner has found it difficult to accept that this site has helped me on my road to recovery and that I was still religiously oppressed when we met despite her never knowing me EVER be religious.

Its difficult for anyone on the outside to comprehend. This being so she is totally supportive and has been fabulous, and to some degree has seen some amazing changes in me since we met.

The answer is really whether the person you are speaking to really wants to know about your past and take it into consideration; if they do they will make an effort to understand, if they dont then it becomes increasingly difficult.

DB74

itsallgoodnow

Are you pushing away because of the tendency to not trust friends (I never trusted my "truth" friends with anything, but was more open with my other friends) or is it because of the way you always used to feel about "worldly" people?

It's not easy to find someone who really wants to understand what you have been through and it doesn't make them uncomfortable. It's a great feeling when they get it and validate your feelings and decisions. Maybe your friend is like this and it frustrates him that you don't want to open up. Try to tell him a couple things and see how he reacts. It's a trust issue and with anyone, you have to take small steps at first.

How do you explain to people who have never been in how screwed up you are?

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