I am scared of my future marriage

by jwbot 45 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Jez

  Avishia is right.

  Jez, you ask why it matters? Hmm...possibly because we are getting married in september!? We want to spend our lives together, people should know these things beforehand...

  Sorry, I guess I was not clear. I know it is good to know things before getting married, but this is one of those things that you can only 'guess at'. "Honey will you love me more than you do our future children?" One of those questions that has no answer. I don't know how I would answer "Who do you love more, your children or your husband?" I loved Sparkplug's comment about love multiplying, not dividing. Jez
• 

  Dan-O

  "So thats the "plan" (yes I know things do not always go according to plan). "
  
  Bingo!
  
  Mrs. O & I talked about kids when we were dating. I wanted a bunch, she wanted two. And the doc said she probably would not bear kids ... so we eventually ditched the birth control & got used to the notion that we might not ever have kids.
  
  Well, just about the time I got comfortable with that idea, she was pregnant. And then a few years later she was pregnant again.
  
  Yep. Not according to plan.
  
  My mother said it best: "I wouldn't trade any of my kids for a million dollars. But I wouldn't give a plug nickel for another one."
• 

  BeautifulGarbage

  I think what you need to reconcile is that AWFUL answer your Mom gave to you, all those years ago, when you posed the "Who do you love more" question. Obiviously, it had a very hurtful, and profound impact on you. So much that you are basing your decision on whether, or not, to create a family with your future husband. Mom's are powerful figures in most children's lives and I get a sense that you were devastated by her answer and that it hurts you to this day. Perhaps when you are able to come to better terms with this pain, the fear of losing your husband's love to your children will not be as overwhelming. Not to say that it will go away, but it will lessen. I honestly think you might want to consider some professional guidance on this matter. Not long term therapy, but a professional to help you gain some insight.

  Unfortunately, trying to describe the difference between loving a spouse, and loving a child, to someone who is childless, is like describing an orgasm to someone who hasn't had one. There simply isn't words, you have to experience it for yourself .

  Interestingly, it usually the husbands that fear losing the love of their wives when they are completely captivated by the new baby.
• 

  Doubtfully Yours

  Jwbot,

  You're a very smart person to want to discuss this issue now. Hope it all works out to your liking.

  DY
• 

  ljwtiamb

  Advice #1: Stop watching Oprah!

  Advice #2: Talk to your future husband. How he handles this will be a good indication of your future relationship.
• 

  jwbot

  "I think what you need to reconcile is that AWFUL answer your Mom gave to you, all those years ago, when you posed the "Who do you love more" question. Obiviously, it had a very hurtful, and profound impact on you. So much that you are basing your decision on whether, or not, to create a family with your future husband."
  
  I guess I did not see the answer as aweful. She might not has said "I love him more" but it was the idea I got...and it was OK to me, it made sense. It made sense to me because in my child mind they had been together longer than I had been alive, they were the same age so they were on equal ground, etc. But I am not "basing my decision on whether or not to create a family", I know I want a family with Mike, I was just worried that I would get shut out of the family...that he would be "too good" of a father and forget that he is a husband to.
  
  The good thing is, is we had an absolutely wonderful conversation about it. He said he could not promise me that he would never neglect me for our kids because he has never been in that situation. And my fear of that happening is not gone...BUT the fact that we have such great communication going between us and that we are such a good team, I have no fear that if I did feel neglected, that we could be alble to talk about it and get through it. After having the conversation with him, I really know that we are going to have a great relationship before, during and after kids. Our relationship is stable, and even if our kids are not (you-know, kids being kids, it could be stressful I am sure) we have in mind that WE our each others support, and stability. I like that idea, kids or no kids.
• 

  Princess

  I watched the show too. I felt for the women who were trying so hard to be a supermom and neglecting their partners in the process. How can that possibly help the children? They are so focused on their children that they can't see anything else. One day they will wake up and the kids are gone and the husband probably will have left long before. Then they will overinvolve themselves in their adult children's lives and no one will be happy.

  The best you can do is always put ALL of the children first and make sure that you do not neglect your spouse. The same as you would earn the respect and love of a spouse with no children.......well it is the same as you would have to do if they have children. The kids and the spose appreciate you more if you don't try to take anyones place. Make your own spot.

  I absolutely disagree. Put your marriage first, children second. Children need to see a healthy loving relationship between their parents. I really believe that if you put your relationship with your husband first and the kids second, things will be fine. I am a self admitted "slacker mom". I DON'T have my kids in sports, we ride bikes and run together and the kids have a blast playing with their friends after school. Occasionally they take swimming lessons and Zoe loves her dance classes (hula and hip-hop) but that's about it. I used to over schedule our lives and finally decided to just LET IT GO.

  One more thing. You have to make time for yourself. When you spin your wheels trying to make everyone else's life perfect, yours falls to crap. I run and I run far. Since I found I loved running, I've made it a priority to get out and run and enjoy it. I run in organized races all over the state and in different parts of the country (this weekend I'm going out of country to run in Victoria, BC) and my husband and kids come and watch me cross the finish line. It keeps me sane and makes me a better mom and wife.

  Don't sweat the small stuff.
  Rachel
• 

  mrsjones5

  I watched that program too and what i got from it was the parents are the core of the family and the children are the satelites. if the core is not strong, emotionally spritually physically, then it makes the family weak and the children insecure. kids may tell you they hate to see their parents kiss and snuggle or display any physical affection but they really like it - trust me they do. I cant say i love my husband and children equally - the love i have for them is vastly different and not on the same level, but i could see where the lady writer was coming from. i do tend to neglect my dear husband and after seeing that program and hearing the male point of view (which i wasnt paying attention when my hubby was saying it) i do think we need to make time for us alone.

  Josie ~ planning a date night
• 

  love11

  Well, I definetly think that you waiting on having children is a good thing.

  It's not wrong to want to love your husband that much, but it would be unfair to your kids to have 'wanting children' be his "thing". To raise kids, you have to be completely unselfish and give of yourself 150%. And I know that he is goo goo for kids now, but when you have them it will be your responsiblity to take care of the kids. Men do change after having children, and their goal in life seems to reflect more on providing for that child then taking care of the child. ( If you know what I mean ) So if you're not ready to do all of that work, wait! I hate to be blunt, but alot of times men want you to have their baby just so that you'll always be apart of their life. Even if this is just a subconscious thought. Plus if things went south with you and your hubbie then you will be stuck taking care of kids that you really didn't want in the first place.

  My suggestion- go with your instinct and only have children when it has become a need of your own.
• 

  jwbot

  Princess, MrsJones, thank you. You both made me feel less insane. I think you really understand where I am coming from and its nice to hear from experienced people on that. Someone had said that what my mother said was terrible but I believe the opposite. I think it was GREAT for me to know that my parents adored each other, and that I could see their physical affection for each other. They went out on dates to. Mike and I do the same and I think we would continue that...I know we would certainly make the effort for "us" time.
  
  love1: I hate to, but I disagree with a lot on what you said. I think you are coming from a good angle but I do not think you understood exactly what I was saying so you made a lot of assumptions about me and my relationship.
  
  I hate to be blunt, but alot of times men want you to have their baby just so that you'll always be apart of their life.
  
  Be blunt, but that is a huge (and wrong) assumption about the relationship that my fiance and I have. We have lived together and have basically been entangled for 3 years now, the only difference between us and a married couple is that marriage liscense. He would never say those things and in no way does he feel an ownership over me (even subconsiously). That is to assume that males inherently feel a need to have ownership over women and I just do not beleive that. He loves kids and he wants one of his own some day, and he wants them with me because he loves me, certainly not as a strategy to keep me around. I can not and will not believe that for a second. That would make a family a sham. I don't mean to get defensive, I just feel I have been talked down to in this thread because I am young and dont have children yet.