I am scared of my future marriage (page 2)

Leolaia

It's good to explore these feelings now...not necessarily to prevent you from making a mistake (as you might fear), but simply that the sooner you understand better the complexities of your own heart the better the two of you will enjoy life together. Does your fiance handle frank talk pretty well, or would such a discussion scare him and trouble him? If not, if the two of you can talk about your fears and emotions, and what might give you pause, you can hear his point of view now and he would understand you better if in the future this issue comes up again. And of course, if you can see what his hangups are that you don't already know, you will also understand him better too.

Another thing is that you actually don't know how you will feel (and how your fiance will feel about the kids) until you do have children. The effect may very well be one that brings you all closer together. I think some things to keep in mind tho would be the lifestyle-changing effect that children will bring, e.g. greater difficulty in finding time alone for the two of you, and the stress and work involved in raising kids. Some couples deal with this very well with ease, while other couples can't handle the strain and break apart. If the two of you have such a strong relationship now and if your fiance enjoys children as much as you say, I think you wouldn't have to worry much about the latter possibility, but it is still worthwhile to think about how your relationship might change with children....and not just in the abstract sense of "will he love me less" but also in the nuts and bolts of everyday life and how routines you like might be altered...

I do hope you two end up in wedded bliss...so far he sounds like such a great catch!

whyamihere

The word is Balance!

You have to balance your life. When you get married you are still you. Right? When you have kids, you are still a Wife. Right? You have to balance out your life. You must not forget your husband through your children. You must not loose yourself or your identity after you get married.

You have time to have kids. It is good to think of these things now. However these things don't have to happen one right after another.

Brooke

adelmaal

I am afraid he will love the kids more than he loves me. The thing is, is it is really important to me that I love Mike more than I will love our kids, and that I KNOW he loves me more than he loves our kids.

I hear what you are saying and I don't think it will be an issue once you have children. Personally, I don't feel I love either my husband or my children more than I do the other. I love them differently. I did not realize how much I would love my children until I had them but my love for them has not lessened my love for my husband.

I have always told my husband that the kids will eventually grow up and leave us. Whereas we will always be here for eachother. We will have our whole lives together.

You are right that you will need to continue to work on your relationship with your husband after you have kids because that's what it takes to have a happy marriage and you will be setting a good example for your children. Never stop dating your mate... There will be times though where you will both need to give more to your children than you do to eachother. That's just part of parenting and it usually comes naturally.

From what I understand, it is more often than not the man who resents the attention the woman gives her child rather than the other way around. T here are ways to keep your love for eachother strong during those times though and you can support eachother in different ways throughout your relationship. Children can make your bond stronger or they can rip it apart. It's up to you and your husband to make sure your bond remains strong though. My husband has actually asked me who I love more before and I always let him know I love them differently; not one more than the other. I don't believe it's possible to love one more than the other if you have strong family bonds. He knows I resent it when he asks me that and I think he understands now that it's possible to love them all strongly and differently. It sounds to me like you will make your relationship a priority no matter what and that's what so many people lose track of when they first have children because they are so overwhelmed. Personally, it sounds like you will be fine to me.

avishai

Once you have 'em, your preconcieved notions go out the window. Don't stress.

Sparkplug

Love does not divide...It is a multiply thing. Each person gets their own kind of love and each love is special. There is no way to descrbe the love for a child as being the same as the love for a spouse. Each is unique and cannot be filled by the other. Having kids though is something I would wait to do because once you have them, you cannot put that thing back where it came from. I would deffinitely say if you have a choice, wait for 5 or more years and build the love you have with your spouse so that it is strong to face the challenges of children.

IMO as a parent that if you mix families always expect you will get a different love than the ex had and a different love than the new spouse has with the children from that family. This is a good thing. Because you don't need a parent and there is a reason an ex is an ex...see?

The best you can do is always put ALL of the children first and make sure that you do not neglect your spouse. The same as you would earn the respect and love of a spouse with no children.......well it is the same as you would have to do if they have children. The kids and the spose appreciate you more if you don't try to take anyones place. Make your own spot.

Seeking Knowledge

I concur with everyone else....wait a while before you have children, make sure you & your husband are happy and ready to welcome an addition to your family. There is no time limit when having children, nothing says you have to have them within the first 5 years. You are still young, enjoy yourself! Having children changes everything, but not necessarily for the worse. Your kids will be better off knowing the two of you love each other and them so much, and they will benefit from that.

It's true there is a different kind of love between a mother & children, you won't realize this until you have kids of your own (or choose them as my adopted brother says). It is a different love between mother & father and parents & kids.

Rest assured, you will be fine. You will find that you have enough love in you to cover all the basis....really!

(((hugs))))

SK

jwbot

Wow, I got a lot of comments. :)

Ok, I get that there are different kinds of love, that makes sense. I just wanted him to know that I felt in terms of importance it went: 1) Our own identity (because you cant have a healthy...) 2) Our romantic relationship (because you cant have a healthy...) 3) Our family as a whole. I hope this makes sense. It made a lot of sense to him. And to those who thought that because he is male he is not interested...that is far from the truth. We had a great discussion and he understands my concerns. He feels his experience growing up is different because he never had a father, so he was his mothers priority (no siblings either), and I understand his point of view.

And no we are not having kids for a long time. I still have to go through graduate school, and then a couple years to get established in a career, and we want a house FIRST. We count on at LEAST 5 years but even thats too soon. I think we will be "ready enough" (haha!) by the time we are 30 years old...and thats what we are counting on. So do not panic.

I know that since I do not have kids I just do not know...but I have seen this both ways. My mom was an excellant mother, and if someone told her she should not have kids because she loves her husband more...well I would not be here! I have seen mothers be too motherly and neglect their spouse. I have seen fathers do the same. I do not want my identity to be "mother"....not at all. I do not want to be "the mother of so-and-sos kids". I want to be the best friend, the lover, AND the mother.

jwbot

Jez, you ask why it matters? Hmm...possibly because we are getting married in september!? We want to spend our lives together, people should know these things beforehand...

avishai

OK, watched the show. Silly women, silly men. All or nothing people, wayyyy TOO focused on having "perfect" kids. Homework, music lessons, soccer, ballet, with no time for anything else with some of these families. No wonder there's problems. Trying to turn your kids into "superkids". And the men, whining about "where's my time" well, pick up a kid and help out instead of hanging out in the den and stuff get's done faster, that way you BOTH have time to hang out. The whole show was just silly, imo.

Relationships have problems. If your kids are getting in the way, it's because you want them too and your using them as an excuse to keep your mate away. Nothing quite so bonding and fun as playing with the kids TOGETHER. This show made it seem as if parenting was just the mommy's job and daddy resented mommy for it. Well, if people actually get that way, .....it's their own damn fault.

Jwbot, I think your gonna do just fine.

confusedjw

Okay - that's it! We are definately having a beer and talking this one over!

Hint - dave is right. Different kind of love. In some ways a stronger love as it's not by choice (like your love for Mike) but a love dictated by nature.

Avashi is also right. You'll do just fine. But I'm glad you are thinking all of this over, but really can it ever be wrong when a man loves his children a LOT or a woman loves her children a LOT and they still have each other?

I am scared of my future marriage

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