Hello Everyone,
I have already posted bits and bobs about my "story"... I like the companionship I have found here and I feel it about time I get this off my chest, so here it goes.
I am a 20 year old Montrealer (it is me above!) who was brought up a witness from the day I was born. My mother was brought up a witness also and my father converted when he was 17-18. I have three sisters, no brothers.
I lived in the same house/neighbourhood/congragation untill I was 13 years old; at which point I moved to a new place. I started Sec II (grade 8) in a new school and met a boy... (Daniel, one year older than me!) Well, I fell for him... hard. He fell for me. However, in the background my parents were "encouraging" me towards baptisim... talk about turmoil. Our relationship was on and off for a long time. It was difficult to date someone you couldnt see outside of school and were not allowed to talk to. Finally in Grd 10 I made up my mind, I was going to be a witness. I broke up with Daniel, prayed to Jehovah for forgivness and dedicated my life to him.
I was baptised when I was 15 years old and like most witnesses my age had great ambitions about going off to Bethel or Missionary school etc. But everyday when I went to school and saw Daniel... it hurt me. I missed him... that is when the doubts started... why couldn't I be with him. Surely a loving god could understand that?! Daniel and I got back together. The guilt was killing me... I couldn't do this...UGH!
Then in my graduating year of High School, Daniel broke up with me! I was crushed. He said he didn't see me enough... that he didn't like that he couldn't call me or hold my hand in public; that he couldn't deal with a "secret" relationship anymore.
Well, I graduated HS and started a business administration course. This time I was further away from home, near a public transit system and had teachers that didn't require a note when I was absent... hrm... interesting. School was always easy for me so I breezed through the course taking long lunches and most afternoons off. I then started dating a fellow witness... nice guy... he was also having doubts. I got a part-time job at a clothing store in a tiny little mall close to my parents house. One day at work, I glanced across to the store across the way and low and behold guess who was there? Yup, you got it... Daniel. I started to cry. What was I doing... this wasn't right. My heart was in the wrong place.
I broke up with Troy explaining that it wasn't fair of me to date him since I obviously had such strong feelings still. One day on my work break I built up the nerve to go say hi. I melted... he melted... we hugged and wouldn't let go. We started dating again, which was much easier this time due to my new found freedom. My commenting diminished... I would make my work schedule purposely conflict with meetings and field service... personal study was non-existant. My parents got worried.
Then one day, I went over to daniel's house to watch a movie and it happened... the life altering moment. I will suffice to say that we watched the movie "Road Trip" 4 times in a row and I still have no idea what that movie is about!
My parents figured out what was going on and asked me some questions, I told them exactly what I had been up to... however I had one more scarey tidbit to add for them... I was pregnent. (I was 17)
I lived with my parents for a month after that conversation. I moved out (and in with Daniel) 5 days before my disfellowshipping was announced.
3 months later I miscarried. That was the hardest day of my life. 17... miscarried... confused... no mom to talk to. All I can say, is my children will NEVER experience that.
Now, I am 20. I still live with Daniel and we are planning to get engaged by the fall. I haven't spoken to anyone from my childhood including my close relatives since the day I moved out.
Since then, I have taken up studying paganisim... interesting I must say!
I have some friends who are committed to "de-programming" me... they suggested I get in touch with some people who have had similar experiences... I think it is the best piece of advice I have ever had.
Thanks for the listening ear... I look forward to getting to know you all better!