Welcome Chia!!!
My story
by Chia 46 Replies latest jw experiences
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EvilForce
Let if flow naturally....if it's wordy but interesting you'll have our attention.
I'm of the belief that the most important posts on this site are our own "coming of age" stories, and what made us start doubting it!!!
Can I get an amen brother? -
mouthy
Amen Brother
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Chia
I was on a roll, so I finished up the story.
Around this time, my congregation got the go-ahead to build a new hall. I was working part-time, and the schedule I had worked around my meeting nights. But while we were building our new Hall, we had to meet with another congregation, and the meeting nights were changed. Now it conflicted with my work schedule. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to spend time with my boyfriend. I assured my mother that during the time the Hall was being built, I would attend a meeting on another night. So now I was missing the Theocratic Ministry School every week to spend time with my boyfriend. Even more importantly, I was feeling less guilty for doing so. It got to the point where I would sit in the meetings daydreaming about being with my boyfriend.
Even though he and I cared deeply about each other, problems started to creep up. I was paranoid about being found out, and so I never wanted to really go out with him. I didn't want to stay out late because I didn't want my family to get suspicious. He began to get frustrated with me, and I really can't blame him for that. He also had a busy schedule, and it was hard for us to see each other. We decided to take a break from each other, but we would reconcile often. (Eventually he and I broke up completely. I regret not being honest with him about my religion.) During one such reconciliation, we were having sex and all of a sudden I felt this horrible pain. I could barely stand. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I refused. I could've been dying, but all I could think was, "How will I explain this to my mom?" I drove myself home, screaming and crying all the way. The pain was intense. When I got home, I was doubled over, screaming in pain and fainting. It was a holiday and doctor's offices weren't open, so my mom wanted to take me to the ER but I refused. I thought that perhaps it was some type of pregnancy gone wrong or an STD, and I didn't want my mother to find out. I waited that whole miserable night. The next day I went to my doctor, and he admitted me to the hospital immediately. It turned out that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. While I was in the hospital, the elders came to see me. The first thing they asked me was, "Is your blood card up to date?" Not, "Are you all right?" or "How do you feel?" This is when I began to mistrust the elders.
I used this as an excuse to stop pioneering. It was a great relief. At the beginning of the next year, I had a huge fight with my mother. I don't want to go into details, but there was always resentment between she and I for various reasons. I stormed out of the house. For the next month I lived in a motel. I did not attend meetings at all during this time. Then a kind Witness family took me in. For that I'll be forever grateful. My mother presented her version of events to the elders and I also spoke with them. They asked me to put myself in her shoes. I understand this reasoning, but it also frustrated me because she never put herself in my shoes. She can be very tyrannical. Then one of the elders asked me, "It sounds like you have serious mood swings. Do you perhaps need medication?" I was livid. More distrust built up.
I got my own apartment. Living on my own gave me even more freedom. I was dating, going out, and being a normal young woman. I should've walked away and never looked back then, but I still loved my family. My mom and I made up, and I spent lots of time at her house. One Saturday night, the man I was seeing asked me to spend the night with him. I agreed, but I never called my mom. She got scared and began calling me and looking for me. She even had my sister call my father(she hates my father) looking for me. When I showed up the next day, she was furious. She told me that I must have been doing something wrong to disappear for a whole day like that. Had I been stronger, I would've told her nothing. After all, I did have my own place, and what I did was my business. But I was feeling pressured leading this double life, and my mother's anger cut me. I burst into tears, stressed, frustrated, and I decided that I needed spiritual help. I decided to go to the elders and confess my sins.
I called the elder I was closest to and confessed I had committed immorality. They formed a judicial committee. During the meeting they asked me all kinds of horrible, invasive questions. "Did you have an orgasm? Did you engage in homosexual intercourse? From the front or behind?" It was awful. I didn't understand the need for these questions, I was stunned, but nonetheless I answered. I didn't want to be disfellowshipped. After conferring for a while, they told me I would be privately reproved. I was relieved, but they weren't finished with me. One of the elders told me that I was "in want of heart"--continuing to go back to the store of my ex-boyfriend was like soliciting a prostitute. Another told me that they were certain that my boyfriend had a disease(because he was much older than me--so I guess they figured he'd been with a lot of women and done lots of things),so I should be certain to get tested for diseases. They told me I should move back home with my mom to keep myself from wanting to go out with men. I did want to be good, and so I moved back in with her.
I tried to be a good Witness after that. But doubts were screaming in my ear by now. I couldn't shake the feeling that they were asking those questions for their own perverted pleasure, because I simply couldn't see what effect that had on whether I was repentant or not. I also began to see the "brothers" and "sisters" for what they were...conditional friends. As long as I was on the platform, they all loved me. The minute I stopped commenting, it was obvious everyone was whispering about me. Then one day I just happened to enter "Jehovah's Witnesses" into my search engine. I stumbled upon the UN controversy, the change in 1914 dates and other things. I saw that there were lots of people who felt like me, and I wasn't just some weak sinner...this really could be wrong. It might not be the truth after all. Then I got really angry. I felt cheated and lied to my whole life. I contemplated sending my letter of disassociation in, but I realize that this is not the best course in my case. No matter what, I have the support of my father and brother, who know how I feel about the religion. For now, I am still sporadically attending meetings. I still live in my mother's home. I am still on restrictions, but I plan to move away from my hometown very soon (next couple of months!) and never look back. I own both "Crisis of Conscience" and "In Search of Christian Freedom", given to me by a good friend. I don't see myself as a Witness now. I don't plan on raising my children as Witnesses. I have so many friends who care about me and love me for who I really am, not how much field service time I can put in. And I plan on going to college to become a teacher. For the first time in my life I am beginning to feel happy and free, and the next stage of my life is just beginning.
There are so many other things that happened, but I'm sure those will come out in other posts. I just wanted to introduce myself. Thanks to everyone for listening!
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Crumpet
omigoomigod Chia - hi - thank god you are here!d Chia -hello - I missed you loads!
. It is really long, so I'm going to tell it in a few parts. That way I can also tell if I'm boring everyone to death, haha! Hi Crumpet !
For everyone else, and you'll discover this for yourself, Chia is such a special, intelligent beautiful young lady - inside, for which I can vouch and oustide, for which I can vouch too! Anyone who is horrid to Chia I will bash you to bits!
Chia - you are my sister! By net at least! God I am so pleased to see you here.
(((((((((((chia))))))))))
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Bryan
Very interesting. Waiting for part II.
Oh... and Welcome!
Bryan
Have You Seen My mother
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tijkmo
hey chia..im just talking to crumpet ..she told me you are awesome...so welcome
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Crumpet
Chia-pet I am having your fave drink in honour of you - even though it makes me hyper before bed time! (frankly there is nothing left in the house)!
What would be great is if you can also post your post-meeting thingies - everyone here loves that, but remember you only get two posts in a day or something.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkisssesxxxxxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxxxxxbig welcome!
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Chia
Thanks Crumpet, and everyone! I am truly glad to be here. Post meeting thingies? I'm not sure what that is. I have book study tonight, ugh! It's only an hour, and I've already skipped the last two meetings!
I'm glad to be here and talking with you again Crumpet!
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Crumpet
Honey - i am having a red bull for you! and will await your next post - do tell how the book study goes!
I'm with you.
x