New Here.....And Grieving

evita

I have been lurking for quite a few months. I have been trying to get up enough nerve to tell you my whole story but am finding it painful and scary to write about. So here's the shorter version until I get brave enough to spill all the details.

My mom died in December. She was a very fanatic JW for over thirty years. She became a witness when I was 14...I was baptized at 15 and did the slow fade from 19-22 years of age. As I matured, I began to see how untrue "the truth" really was and all the beliefs seemed so ridiculous I couldn't tolerate it anymore. Also, to be perfectly honest, I wanted a life, an education, freedom from unnecessary guilt, real friends. I was so unhappy....I hated the boring meetings, field service, the judgments, the gossip etc....So I left. That was 23 years ago.

My mom was heartbroken. She barely spoke to me for ten years. I was neither DF or DA but I lost all my friends. Meanwhile, I went to college (BA English Lit.), got married and had 3 beautiful boys (13 and twins 9). My life has been good but I have often felt like a broken person. I have been in therapy for 12 years.

My mother came in and out of my life in the past 23 years depending on how righteous she was feeling, how depressed she was, or what the latest WT said. I never knew exactly why. Sometimes she would be horribly cruel and other times very loving. We would often fight bitterly and I was an angry, wounded daughter for many years. Things got a little better after she came to believe she was one of the annointed and almost got disfellowshipped for it. But her loyalty to the ORG never wavered and she had a reputation for having an extremely "sensitive conscience".

The past two years were relatively peaceful. A couple times a month, the kids and I would take her out for lunch. We'd talk about recipes and the kids. We were always very careful not to offend her. The children knew not to discuss Holidays, Pokemon, Karate, Birthdays, YU-GI-OH, action figures, magic tricks.... so you can imagine we were very limited in our relationship with her.

In October of last year, she was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer that spread rapidly throughout her colon
and abdomen. She desperately wanted her children with her ( I have a bro and sis, both faded from JW) and we were with her when she died 8 weeks later. She was 69 years old.

Many of her witness friends helped with her care and were very loving. It was very surreal being surrounded by dubs after so many years. I even attended her memorial...what a weird experience.

I loved my mom. She was smart, beautiful, talented, sensitive, and loving. She was also a religious fanatic, judgmental, self-righteous, self-hating, depressed, and extremely jealous. I am devastated by her death. I am mourning not only my lost relationship with her, but my lost years as a JW, and all the years I have spent recovering from it all.

On a positive note, I am married to a very supportive guy and I have a close relationship with my sister. Being here on this board helped me so much late in the evening when my mom was dying. I felt as if you all understood what I was going through and I did not feel so alone. Thanks to you all for your courage and honesty.

Oroborus21

Dear Evita:

Please accept my condolences on behalf of your mother. Welcome to the forum. Here you will find many people that have a similar or shared experience as yourself and I do hope you will find some support.

I wish you and your family all the best,

Eduardo

Lehaa

Hi evita and welcome.

Very sad to hear your story, my thought are with you as you try and deal with your loss. Unfortunately the organisation makes it very hard for us to remain close to family members.

Just remember we are all hear for you and are glad you have shared your pain and story with us.

Lehaa.

Es

welcome evita So sorry for your lost, we are all here for you es

phil78

Evita,

A loss is hard to cope with, and knowing what to say the one suffering a loss is equily difficult. You are among friends here. Likely you will never meet many of us, but we are all feeling your pain and hope things pick up for you in the future.

Phil

Golf

Greetings evita. Sorry to hear the news, losing someone you love takes its toll. No doubt you had great times with your mom. Reflect and enjoy these times.

Sickness and disease afflict everyone. I live in a community where most people are relatives and its not rare to hear about someone passing on or has cancer. My wife goes to a cancer support group and a number of them have passed on.

Like you said, you have the positive side. You have your husband and sister which is a lot more than some have. These are the relationships that we need to cherish and hang on to. I wish you all the best.

Golf

ezekiel3

Thank you so very much for sharing this difficult time with us. You are a kind soul to respect your mother's wishes even while suffering her cult ideals. I hope your children learn from your example and your trial.

Whatever happens to us after we die, I have a feeling your mother has shed her blinders and receives your forgiveness with all she truly is.

((((evita))))

Been there

(((((evita)))))

Welcome to the board evita, I am so glad you found us and got the courage up to say hi to us.

I am sorry for all the pain you have had to deal with for so long and your most resent sorrow.

Stay around and keep talking to help work things out for you so you can heal and move on with your life. Keep remembering your Mothers loving side and believe that she knows the real truth now, what ever it may be. She loved you as much as she could and you loved her as much as she would let you. You were there when she needed you. You were a good daughter. You can not get back the lost years. Use this time as a true chance for freedom, don't take one more second of your loving self away from the family you have, give your kids "ALL" of their Mom back. Be who you are without guilt now, put your divided self back together into one again. Take your life back and spread your wings and fly.

prophecor

Welcome Evita. The loss you've experienced is great. I hope that you will stay close as this can be such a healing place of hope and comfort. People really do care here, and truly listen when the pain strikes home. It's a very supportive on-line community, as I'm sure you already know from being behind the curtain for as long as you were. I wish you peace in you journey. Godbless you and yours.

Arthur

coffee_black

(((((((Evita)))))))) Soooo sorry for all you've been through....but very glad you found your way here.

Welcome!

Coffee

New Here.....And Grieving

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