social retard (page 3)

GetBusyLiving

The structure of the congregation is the reason some people are screwed up socially. That is a fact. The only way a person isnt affected by it is if they are not playing by the rules. Sure you can have JW friends in your congregation and surrounding ones, but they are circumstantial friends.

Therein lies the problem. As ex witnesses we now have very little in common with witnesses and are not sure what we have in common with worldlings. The only way I turned out somewhat normal is that I rebeled and had worldly friends in highschool.. I developed social skills because I rebeled. Some members of my family are really finding it tough to make the transition after leaving the borg. Its a real problem and it takes a lot of time. I really understand this one.. I always encourage my family to stay outside of their comfort zone socially and to set little goals for themselves that they can attain. KEEP WORKING AT IT. It gets better with time and you will find really nice friends outside of that organization! Great topic.

GBL

diamondblue1974

swimming in the pools at conventions, walking around outside at conventions with friends, school-life, worldly boyfriends, worldly friends, school sports, on and on....

And not hypocritical??!!

You already admit that you were living a double life Jez, how can that not be hypocritical?

Dont get me wrong, I dont intend to judge you, as kids we did what we had to do dependant upon our circumstances but some congregations were more sociable than others, some were more ruled by a clique than others, your life sounds kind of idylic from your description but for those who didnt fit in with the clique or were not as outgoing as you were, its handy to spare a thought. Personally I didnt pretend to be something I wasnt and felt cheated by those who got a more social standing in the congregation by leading a double life. Again we do what we have to do and I cant judge you for it but when you rub salt in the wounds by your first posts it begs a response.

I do however agree with your suggestions regarding the activities such as community groups and so forth and the benefits are second to none but some dont have the capablities yet to push themselves that far and it doesnt come that easy. Its a process that needs to be followed, go easy on us Jez. :-)

DB

hillbilly

Orade-- I coudnt have said it better myself

... but we've discussed how the default friendships at the hall have messed up his perception of social interaction.
Being a JW makes you suspicious by nature of anyone "outside the group." If you are a regular meeting attender you have a built in social group. You see your friends 3-4 times a week on the default setting, and they practically HAVE to talk to you, whether or not in a normal situation you would all be friends.
You're forced to be friends with people you think are numbnuts, because they are your "brothers." If you are unlucky enough to be in a cong where there is no one in your age-group, you develop superficial friendships with people who are again different from normal social interactions. AND there is the ever-present threat that one of your best friends someday will betray you to the elders if you make a mis-step according to their doctrine, so you never can truly get close to anyone, and you never can truly trust anyone. Oh, count the ways being in a cult screws with the social life.

Thanks

Some people are gregarious others are not. Jez may have that gift. I knew many who did and was in awe of them.

Being a bit shy and thinking the world was evil and having a automatic support system make one a hostage.

Glad I am out and as sane as I am.

~Hill

Jez

Merry: You seem quiet now. Has my opposing view of growing up a JW bothered you? Did my question about how sheltered were you, bother you? If so, I do apologize. Did I offend you when I asked if if COULD be anything else? If so, I do apologize.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. Peace.

You think you escaped unscathed socially, but maybe you should go back through this thread and some of your other postings with a critical eye. You didn't.

Odrade: There you go again, assuming that my periodic obnoxiousness/outspokenness has anything to do with my JW upbringing. Using the word 'escaped' assumes that I wanted out of some kind of social bondage. Don't assume I felt I was in any bondage growing up. None of us escape our childhood without some form of social awkwardness. JW or not.

Jez

And not hypocritical??!!
You already admit that you were living a double life Jez, how can that not be hypocritical?

Diamond: Thank you for your response. I said "I lived true to myself in my teen years." I was not hypocritical to MYSELF. I have never allowed anyone to put me in a shoebox, close the lid and tape it shut. I am not saying i don't have 'issues' but everyone does, some of it stems from being a JW, some of it doesn't. Once I figure out the problem, I ask myself, "Ok, is there a solution? If no, move on, if yes, find it and act upon it."

Jez (going antique shopping with hubby now)

zen nudist

the two books that helped me the most to learn social skills post BORG

were

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

and

WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER YOU SAY HELLO?

both by Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis

they are not about conversations per se, but they do give you insights into what is going on around you and how you can

interact with others.

Doubtfully Yours

I understand completely as I'm in the same boat as you are socially.

DY

Odrade

Odrade: There you go again, assuming that my periodic obnoxiousness/outspokenness has anything to do with my JW upbringing.

No, I don't think your periodic extreme insensitivity to other's pain is necessarily caused by your JW upbringing. I'm just suggesting that I see some hallmark behaviours of a cult survivor in your interactions here, that perhaps you do not see yourself. I think that your compassion that you normally display is the REAL Jez, but the comments that you made on this thread towards Merry and others who have identified a problem with their social indoctrination are part of the cult mentality still holding on to you. And yes, I'm assuming things, but I'm assuming them based on the fact that you are normally a very kind person, with great love and compassion.

Sometimes we are too quick to say "it's probably just me, not the fault of the JWs..." and while it's not healthy to blame everything on religious upbringing, it certainly plays a factor to a larger extent than some of us might be aware at first. It's okay to sit back and say, hmmm, maybe I'm a social retard because I was conditioned that way. Just because a person had an ACTIVE social life within the JWs, it does not necessarily follow that she had a HEALTHY social life.

The suggestion that a person does not have a social life because they are an introvert is a valid one. But, think of the further damage that being an introvert within the social setting of the JWs does to a person. And it will be far harder for that person to get past it, than for a person who is naturally gregarious.

MerryMagdalene

Great comments everbody! Sorry I missed all the action but was called away suddenly by a minor crisis and then had to run to town and make lunch for my daughter.

Crumpet, my initial response to Jez's first comment was much like yours and I had to mull it over for a while.

I do recognize that not everything in my present status is a result of being raised a JW. So many factors go into shaping how we perceive ourselves and who we become and how we relate to others. But the "traditional" JW upraising can really be hurtful, especially to certain personality types (like mine). My cousins were affected totally differently and are all model JW citizens to this day.

I was just having a breakthrough moment and decided to share it. I recently started "seeing" someone (for the first time in a little over 3 1/2 years of being single) and it has dredged up a lot of old insecurities that I have chosen to deal with head on.

I love all the positive, forward-moving advice that has been offered and the words of support, and I hope that these will be beneficial to others here in addition to me.

Love you all!

~Merry

zen nudist

changing your avatar won't hurt (^_^)

social retard

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