Romance; I Need some feedback

William Penwell

Posted this on another site:

I would like to bounce this off all of you and would like some feedback. I think I know what to do but just want to know if I am doing the right thing. Here goes my story,

I have been single now for over ten years. My children are all grown and I have nothing to hold me back. I just met this wonderful lady and have being dating her for the last four months. So far we are getting along, have so much in common and we have had some good times together. I have told her that I would like to take it slow but that we both feel the same for each other. Right now we see each other about once a week. I feel she is not playing games with me and we have been quiet honest with each other to where we would like this relationship to go i.e., eventually a long term commitment. So on my part there is nothing holding me back.

Now on her side she has only being out of her marriage for about a year and still is in the middle of settling and finalizing things with her ex. She also has some health issues, which is no big deal for me as I accept her for who she is although that has a lot to due with her availability. She has a 17 year old daughter that was abused by her step father, my lady friend's ex. It was the only father she knew for most of her life and because of this broken trust, she does not trust men. About a month ago my lady friend tells me that her daughters physiologist says it is not a good time for her (my lady friend) to get involved with one someone right now. The physiologist told her that it would take a couple of months for her daughter to get over this. Her daughter is so protective of her mother, like screening her calls and not giving her mother the messages. For us to meet we have to do it behind her daughters back which makes me feel like I am a 15 year old kid.

My thoughts are, will her daughter ever get over being over protective of her mother? If so how long should I give it? It is just that I really care about my friend, I have told her this and would like to spend a little more time with her without sneeking around. I am also wondering if she (my lady friend) is playing a little cool because of being afraid of commitment due to her bad past relationships. If so do I cool it for a bit? I really would like this to work as like I said previously we seem to have so much in common and these days it is so hard to find someone that you truly click with. I am also being a realists by preparing myself that this might not work out due to the dynamics of the situation. What do others of you think? I know it is hard to give a complete picture of the situation but if you would like any further details feel free to ask.

Will

Valis

I have told her this and would like to spend a little more time with her without sneeking around.

IMO her answer to this question should help you decide a great deal. Best of luck!

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

William Penwell

IMO her answer to this question should help you decide a great deal. Best of luck!

She says it is a temporary situation but how long do I have to be patient??

Will

FlyingHighNow

She's only been out of her marriage for a year. You have only been dating for four months. Seems to me that time and patience are two very important things to your relationship. Otherwise, you two may be at different stages in your lives which could prove to be a problem. It is, however a problem that can be overcome with the right person in time.

Valis

look at it reasonably William. Is there a chance of her child leaving any time soon? I'm not advising you just throw your feelings away, but you certainly don't want them held at bay by other people's issues either. Make your feelings known and stand up for yourself. No deadlines, just tell her you need some time and if that can't happen then you have serious reservations. Ball in your court hoss...

http://www.sassquatch.com/images/ainteasy.mp3

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

LittleToe

The daughter is 17 and suffering emotional trauma. It will likely take more than a few months for this to stabilise, even if that is the period for which she's signed up for counselling. This will be a lifelong commitment to the child as well as the mother.

If after just four months you are so sure you want a longterm relationship, then patience is the order of the day. If not, since there are so many variables, then maybe you need to pull back some. Either way you need to be upfront, as this is something you possibly need to decide together.

Alternatively you can wait out the couple of months, that she suggested, then whip her up into a frenzy of passion that causes her to tear your clothes off in the street!

prophecor

will her daughter ever get over being over protective of her mother? If so how long should I give it? It is just that I really care about my friend, I have told her this and would like to spend a little more time with her without sneeking around. I am also wondering if she (my lady friend) is playing a little cool because of being afraid of commitment due to her bad past relationships. If so do I cool it for a bit?

Highly unlikely her daughter will ever let down her guard, you will always be viewed as an alien, at least for quite some time, until it is that you've had an opportunity to demonstrate your trustworthiness to her mother, first, then maybe her daughter will be able to trust you, but that's light years in the future my friend and by the time she does get a chance to trust you, she'll hopefully be invested in her own private life, grown and out of the house, hopefully.

You are viewed as a threat to the natural order of things, even if there is nothing but chaos and absolute utter confusion in the midst of that natural order. We are most uncomfortable with that which we are unfamilliar with. Her daughter has already suffered significant psychological damage with her ex. Are you willing to commit yourself to the potentially destructive energy of him being in the mix, whether they have custody issues, parental rights, court dates and him being involved to whatever extent?

You've a very complicated mix on your plate there sir, and even if you really like her, you should conscietiously consider the emotional value, and more importantly, cost of investing your life's energy in such a complex arena. I'd hate to think that you would find yourself two years down the road wishing that you had never gotten involved in the first place, it's all gravy now, but time brings the necessity for Pepto Bismal in every relationship. Your ten years of solitude might do you good two more, and besides, shes rebound material, with significant drama going on in her world, I hope you're not playing rescue 911, she may not need a hero at this juncture in her life, but need to heal from the damage with you at a comfortable distance.

I speak from experience here, I have stepchildren and it is a completely different kind of war that must be fought and in the holding down a relationship with a woman who has damaged adult children in the mix, you've got one hell of a fight on your hands.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck, cause you'll need it.

Nosferatu

About a month ago my lady friend tells me that her daughters physiologist says it is not a good time for her (my lady friend) to get involved with one someone right now.

All I'm going to say regarding this is your lady friend cannot control who she feels attraction for. I'd just tell her to go with what FEELS right.

Golf

Hmmmmmmm, interesting read. Well, being married for 42 years I don't have the magic words for you, however just something for you to think about because your the ultimate decision maker.

Your both adults, correct? I don't know how and when you meet and under what circumstances. As adults, you should have no problem being up front with each.

Your an intelligent man, if you have reservations, then by all means, proceed with caution. Spending time and talking things over, such as her likes and dislikes, will give you better feel of the situation.

The seventeen year old needs to realize that her mother is an adult and that she can think for herself. She is 'not' the decision maker. Yes, her suggestions & thoughts are welcomed.

As I said, your both adults, take it from there.

Guest77

Country Girl

While your desire to spend more time with your friend, and take it slow, is admirable, it has only been four months. If she is worth waiting for, then it's definitely worth the patience and time you may invest in the long run.

She may not have much availability at this time, but her daughter's almost a grown young woman and will soon be off fending for herself. Perhaps off to college, or working, etc. This will be something that you should discuss with your friend.

Perhaps you could invite the Mother and her daughter out for some fun times: movies, ice cream, dinner. Just to get to know her and for her to get to know you. Nothing rushed. Take it very slow, and I am sure with honest and open communication between you and your friend, that things can be worked out. It will just take time.

Country Girl

Romance; I Need some feedback

Share this