problems with JW girlfriend and her family

by starcrossedpimp 14 Replies latest jw experiences

  • starcrossedpimp

    I'll make this short, but I've been looking for answers and need actual human communication- not just a book or website.

    Up until 12/26/04, my "girlfriend" and I had been sneaking around to see each other. We became professionals. She would always say "I shouldn't be doing this" and such, but eventually that mindset wore away and our love took over. We had been together for about 4-5 months when she told me she loved me. You have to understand we had a ridiculously intense connection when we first met. We couldn't be without each other. It was difficult though, when she would have to whisper in our phone conversations or duck if a car was coming by my house when she was there. But it didn't matter, I loved her and nothing could come between that......Until her parents discovered our relationship on the above date(12/26). We had been in this relationship now for almost 10 months and had become quite a part of each other. So her parents confronted me at work and basically said that if I want a chance with their daughter, then I need to start studying to become a JW. I was pretty nervous in the first place, so I just nodded my head to everything. I'm quite educated on the religion and they didn't know that nor did I make it known that I was. My girlfriend had even been saying that she couldn't defend her religion anymore. I had been mentioning to her "apostate literature" and some of the reasoning (i.e. "Crisis of Conscience"). So when her parents got a hold of her, her mindset totally changed. She knew that if she were to be with me, she would lose all of her family and friends (which I find revolting), so she couldn't go against their demands. They cut off from her all communication with me so that I couldn't "lure" her back to me. They took her cell phone and have to this day not given it back to her. (I guess other factors would be our age difference-i'm 24 she's 18-and I have a two year old son out of wedlock). I understand her parents anger, but it's not like our relationship will be OK in the future. The ONLY WAY is for me to become a witness. There is NO COMPROMISE. I am a good person and she knows this, but the religion seems to be stronger than our love. She maintains, after all of this, that she knows I am the person she was meant to be with, but still sticks with the faith. I need help and advice. There are many MANY more details to this story, and I would love to share more. I'm open to all opinions. THANK YOU!

  • Leolaia

    Thanks for telling us your story. I know there are many here that have been or are in difficult relationship situations because of the Society, and may be of help to you. Since she is only 18 and may move out of the house in a few years and has had doubts in the past, the situation is not as hopeless as a worse case scenario, but it could very well be that you have lost her....

    If the time comes when she does want out, or wants someone to confide in again, that may well be the time she may want to contact you about it. But if she has been brainwashed to full obedience of the organization, you may well end up being the enemy.

    But if she wants out, the strongest force keeping her in and preventing her from taking the right steps will be the fear of being cut off from her family.

  • AlmostAtheist

    There's no good answer here, Dude. If you become a JW for her, you give up control of your life and that of your child. No Christmas is just the beginning. They'll make your kid feel like a loser because s/he's not planning on "pioneering" or "Bethel service". Constant pressure to get baptized. It's no place to raise a kid.

    JW's never quite know where they stand. One day they can watch "old" rated R movies because the "standards were much higher then", then they go to an assembly and decide they shouldn't even watch reruns of Seinfeld. Prepare for a life of constant flip-flops.

    It's hard advice to take, but turn around and walk away. Go start a new relationship with a person not already in a cult.

    Sorry, I wish I could be rosier. But this is a bad group. Good people, but bad group.


  • SeeSee

    Hi...I'm a newbie at this site, but well experienced with JWs. I was raised one, and actually went through what she is going through right now. I loved a young man (a lifetime ago) who wasn't a JW, and when my family found out about it I got called before the Elders of the Congregation (who have the power to excommunicate) for being disobedient (we had not been sexual or that would have happened). He was horrified by what was happening to me, and for the ultimatim to him. More wise than I was at the time, he chose to leave me and my sick family to our religion. He did right.

    There could be nothing but misery for either of us. I'd be shunned by my "friends", my (cough, cough) loving family, and the only religion I'd ever known. I'd have lost my job as well, since I worked for a Witness. He would have bought into a lifetime of the same thing for himself, and the children we would have had.

    His decision hurt me - a lot. But it helped me to see what people other than Witnesses see when they look at us.

    It took me another decade before I'd had enough life experience to see that JWs are a cult, practicing mind control on a level with The Manchurian Candidate. Every witness, and their families live with the threat of expulsion, of being "cast out to the demons" should you express any disagreement at all with what the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society is currently (they have a long history of altering their beliefs) teaching.

    Your girl - er, 18 year old woman, eligible for every responsiblity of an adult, and should be capable of making choices for her future. In a way she has exercised her choice. She's accepting their rules. She's not changing for you. I'm sure she'd like it if you at least made it look like you're converting so you two could marry. But what then? Is this what I want to live your life like? Is this what I want for your child(ren)? Are these people who you'd like to be dealing with the rest of your life? Can you see yourself becoming a Witness, studying their literature before going to the Kingdom Hall three days a week (usually two hours at a time), and preaching from door to door every weekend - OR ELSE?

    I'm sure you've thought about faking it, and taking her away from it all. Maybe you're thinking like a woman who marries an alcoholic, that your love would change her. Yeah, right!

    If you did fake it, and married her, and then didn't stay with them FOR EVER, they will disfellowship YOU, and her people could have not speak to you, eat with you, come to your home, or have you in theirs. How happy will that make you, your wife and your kids?

    Witnesses like to claim that they are the true church because Jesus said "by their love you will know them" and see how we love each other. But that "love" doesn't last one minute past your not wanting to be a Jehovah's Witness.

  • anuva
    anuva is absolutely painful , but your situation is almost like mine with just one but SIGNIFICANT difference...your girlfrind said it to you that she cannot defend her religion is a truth !!!

    and about your dilemma my dear i can assure you , if you love deeply , it sucks almost all life out of you when you are coldblloded ly told by parents as thay told you .

    and BTW i would like to tell you that i have left my love with one choice for her , WHETHER SHE LIKES OUR FUTURE WITH TRUTH AND HONESTY or she wants it to be based on RELIGION of HYPOCRISY and DECEPTION deep enought that it takes LIVES of people in the name of life giving BLOOD!!!

    i have read jesus said somewhere in bible ,wherever 2 -3 are gathered in my name i am among them ....

    i do not know how to say this to you as it had caused me immense pain ..but the truth is this that please visit the painful consequences of Accepting deception the name of not losing family , and the cruelity that MAY....yes i repest MAY happen if u r illfated, otherwise you may just escape lighlty by attending ....and recording time reports....Be it child abuse , be it marital abuse , or be it blood transfusion suicide agreement .

    on the path of truth , your Girflfriend should have to look back at all this and try to feel the pain of those VICTIMS who were thrown out for complaining against child abuse ...and those wives who were thrown out for complaining marital abuse the painful stories, that may be SHE had compassion to stand for those people and decide on her own conscience that Goodness, and justice , and love and compassion is for ALL people , not those who become members of a 1879 born gorup of WTBTS..

    and interestingly...u may tell her that BIBLE is not a slave of same chapter where WTBTS indoctrinates young people ..."marry in the lord" is also written that if any of husband or wife is a beleiver in HIM the family is blessed ..... can bible APPLY to 1879 born group, and if it does , to whom does it applied before 1879!!

    i know it is painful .....

    and mind control will take over your love ...

    family FEAR may control her to surrender the truth and justice and honesty in feet of wTBTS ....

    love and peace


  • anuva

    u can always talk to me , or
    PM me , to know what else to expect in course of your love .


  • what_Truth?

    I had a similar experience when my girlfriend wanted me to join her United Pennicostal Church. At first I went to a few of the services, rallys and youth group outings. I enjoyed some and met some good people, but ultimatly I decided I didn't want to be a member of her church. At first she was pretty heartbroken and thought about ending the relationship. Eventually though she accepted my decision and stayed with me (though the fact that she was pregnant with my child may have influenced my decision). So far we've been married for almost 6 years. She goes to church and I stay home and listen to Hendrix.

    All I can say to you is Don't worry about the JW's restrictions. 6 Million people live with them quite happily. if you feel thdt their lifestyle and culture is right for you then by all means go for it. however, if you do go along that route you have to accpet the religion on YOUR terms, not her parents. if you let them bully you into changing your entire way of life for their daughter (and make no mistake, becomming a JW is a life changing experience) then you've opened the door for them to bully you in every aspect of your life from here on end.

  • Gill

    If this young lady was willing to sneak about to be with you earlier on then it's only a matter of time that she ditches the JWs on her own. Give her some credit. She may have been battered into submission temporarily but that can't change where her heart lies.

    Chin up! Give the lady credit and hold out hope for the future for these two!

    Tell her you'll wait for her, if you mean it!

  • Maverick

    An eighteen year old is clueless! JW's are clueless! What's the upside?

  • franklin J
    franklin J

    ...there is no easy solution for you....certainly nothing that can be communicated through this thread. So take all of our collective advice her ; do not get involved with this religion.

    As previous posters have said...don't do this to yourself.

    Remember, anyone who gives ultimatums is showing signs of underlying serious "issues". In this case the "issue" is control. Her parents are trying to control YOU. She is their underage daughter; still living at home.

    YOU however; are not. Don't get involved with their games or the influence of this religion.

    If this is TRUE love; LET HER STAND UP TO HER PARENTS; making her own decision; and come to you.

    good luck

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