First ever posting

by ddean3673 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • ddean3673

    OK, lets do an abbreviated version - Entire family on father's side 100% full bore JW. One day my mother catches my dad with a 12yo girl, and we leave, not town, just there living with him. It's a small town of about 2000 people, so everyone knows everyone and everything. The the elders had several meetings with my mom to tell her what a mistake she was making and how she needs to go back. They pretty much don't have anything to do with me or my brother when we are with her, which is about 90% of the time, b/c my dad is busy with the 12yo. Even though we were living at times on peanut butter sandwitches and no heat in the winter no one bothered to check on us, and at the time, we were little kids and didn't know they should. They still had time for us when we were with our father until he was DF'ed about about 4 years (yes it took that long) later when he went to jail for 30 days for statuatory rape. All the time I got told about respecting everyone and how dare I question my father. BTW, didn't know all of this until about 2 months ago, which is what promted me to start looking around and made me realize maybe I wasn't the one in the wrong. My mother, not wanting to tell us things that would hurt us, never told us the elders (two of them our uncles) only came by to tell her how bad she was and that she needed to go back to her husband. About 6 years later my dad married the girl when she became pregnant, and about a month later he was reinstated. Don't ask me how and I don't expect anyone to understand, but I thought things were pretty normal. Time went on and eventually I moved in with my dad, and was babtized at 16 in 1989. During all of this I learned not to ask questions, especially when I asked about my father, because of course he was doing bad things all the time, but to trust in the society for everything and respect my father like I was supposed to. I had the huge network of "friends" stretching all over the place and was really involved and believed in the truth with all of me, at least I think I did.

    I guess I always knew something wasn't right. I was married in 1993, married too young and into a family that wasn't liked that well. Like a lot of witnesses, I got married after dating only a few months. Over time as I had to move for work, etc, and I began to notice no one really ever checked on me. And after a while I began to notice a lot of things when I came back to my home town, things I guess I should have seen before, but like the frog in the pan analogy, I guess I was to close before. There was so much deceit and hypocrosy, I just faded away. Recently I made a friend that made me realize I needed to figure out who I am now.

    Sorry if that's too long, I cut out as much as I could and still make some sense.

  • ddean3673

    wow...helped just to write that!

  • JamesThomas

    Welcome Dean,

    As far the search for "wholeness" (as you mentioned in your profile), it may help to nakedly question the grossly limited human-like concept of god that we were raised with; and instead of searching for truth in the minds ideas, philosophies and religions, simply be more silently open and present with life; allowing ourselves to hear and see, what may have been ignored before.

    Perhaps, we are far more "whole", than we have for so long believed.


  • Simon

    Don't worry, you'll find that many people have similar stories to tell (not exactly the same but the same kind of 'strange' if that makes sense).

    It does help to talk about things and the great thing about other exJWs is that you don't have to explain the "why" around the mindset ... we know.

    Welcome to the site BTW.

  • Fleur

    Welcome ddean!

    I am glad that you found your way here. You say you've done your reading, I would advise you reading (if you haven't already) the Best of section here and all you can at

    You ask where you start rebuilding you; I think that if you are quiet and still and look inside, you will find the answer. It may take awhile to hear your own voice; you've been buried under a mountain of 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' and guilt that comes part and parcel of the JW existence. Time to toss them out now, and ask yourself what you want to do and what will give your own life meaning.

    I can only speak from my own experience but I found that the vaccuume that was left by leaving the borg was filled and then overflowed with joy when I found a cause that was meaningful to me to give my time to. A creative, involved endeavor it's been, but so rewarding, and much moreso than anything that the dubs could ever offer me.

    It is a long road, as others have pointed out quite correctly; don't expect too much too soon. Especially with family still in, things will come up (weddings, funerals, memorial season) that will nag at you from time to time. Talk about it with others who understand as much as you can. writing is cathartic and probably the only reason I am *somewhat* sane :)

    Welcome aboard, you're among friends and people who understand here. May you find what you're looking for, remember that true peace and happiness can only come from within you. It's time to let that out.



    p.s. *pointing upward* Yeah, what JamesThomas said! :)

  • ScoobySnax

    Ask questions continually......or start fluff threads like me.

    Ask the questions that are bugging you and always keep an objective mind. Be yourself.

    Welcome as well.


  • Double Edge
    Double Edge

    ...hate to barge in again... but, I noticed that in 4 days someone (you) is going to have a BIRTHDAY.

    ... (I'm starting early).... *gulp, gulp* btw... WELCOME AGAIN.... you're going to fit in just right.

  • codeblue


    Glad you made your way here and posting too!!!

    Expressing your feelings by writing is a very positive step in healing. I have been reading this site for 1.5 years!

    Both me and my husband are fading and we were both raised as JW's.........he was almost an elder...

    anyways.....keep posting and reading...


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    Where do I go, what do I do? I have to assume someone out there knows what I am asking when I say that. Was there ever a time when you just decided it was time to come out into the open and look around at what is out there, time to find others like you? What would you tell someone to do first, looking back?

    Where do I start rebuilding me?

    As the man said, "You've taken your first step into a larger world."

    This is a lifetime process. You now can be anything you want, do anything you want, believe anything you want. You're free. You've got an empty canvass now, just make sure that what you put on that canvass is something you can be proud of.



  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D

    Welcome dean!

    You have one hell of a road ahead of you, but you're in good company here.

    For me to heal and find myself, I found the following things helpful:

    1. Post here whenever you need to get tihngs off of your chest

    2. Call and talk to members here.

    3. Read CoC by Ray Franz. You should do this to rid yourself of the WTS phobias

    4. Read a "Self discovery" information.

    For me, the following book was infinitely helpful, plus it saved me from becoming wrapped up in other groups that would havebeen destructive to my "True Authentic Self"

    The Destructive Effects
    of Group Dynamics

    John D. Goldhammer

    Good luck!

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