Lost, Confused, and Hurting .....

by Daizzy 33 Replies latest social relationships

  • Daizzy

    To upside/down: Thank you for that very open honest reply. I have to say though that it eats at me everyday. That is why I am writing and studying and trying to figure everything out. I have never cheated in my life on anyone, that is until now. That 1 time kills the never though I do understand that. I left my husband and divorced before we actually opened up about our feelings towards one another. I went to work to work, not to find somebody. I never in a million years thought that what happened would happen or that I would ever even get involved with somebody this fast. Those were not my intentions. Now, with him it is strictly about his JW beliefs and I don't know much about the JWs except for what I have read and studied. But even to me what he is doing wrong with all the lies and all is eating at me day and night. And I have been ready to just say forget it all and head home until all has been fixed. But I really do love this guy and despite my beliefs and everything I have done wrong I can't just do that, as badly as I want too. Believe me, I am not a bad person. I got myself mixed up in a crazy situation but I want too fix it. As for my ex husband, I left him and a month and a half after it was over with him and I is when I met this guy. 2nd: I became nothing but friends with him, was even going to leave my good job because I didn't want to let myself get into this kind of mess.So i had been legally seperated and then divorced for some time before I had even came to reality how I felt about this JW. Never once did I go home to my ex to give him sloppy seconds or what not. I haven't even seen him since I left him. But I am trying to fix the mistakes I made that I tried not too. I do thank you for your open opinion though. NO OFFENSE taken. honestly.

  • Daizzy

    Hi Jez, I appreciate you and everyone who is trying to help me. First, let me answer your questions.....

    He says that he loves me more than I could ever know- we became like best friends a good almost 2 months before we decided we had these feelings to let out. He says that he wants to be with me, marry me, all of that, even before I knew about the whole JW thing. He does have 2 children with his first wife - a 15 yr. old son and a 12 yr. old daughter., whom also are brought up as JWs, I guess his wife used to be a JW but hasn't been in a good like 6-7 yrs now. She just gave up and decided that Jehovah was the reason for all of her problems- both her and in marriage. She has hung on to something that happened some 6-7 years ago and when he told her happy 16th wedding anniversary she said he meant 10, that it ended 6 years ago, and that she loves and cares for him, but isn't actually in love with him. And as far as I know most of the family are active JW's . As for the doing things in a certain way- he says that he has to wait for her to start the big fight on the phone, then he could use that as a way to end it . Because there are a certain way to do things so he doesn't hurt his family and all. But that it is going to happen. He says one minute that it isn't fair to me to be going through this and all the stress especially being pregnant, that he is just going to have to come forward and tell the brothers what he has done and everyone else. That then he can let her go and make things right with me. That she stopped believing in that way and that it takes 2 too make this work ( which I believe that ) but then it makes me think is he trying to convert me by telling me we would have to make it right and both people have to believe. Hope I made some sense. And I appreciate your kindness and help. I am starting to see more the more I read and talk. Thank You, Daizzy

  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge

    I can offer only from your standpoint, that being a Non-JW involved with a JW. My ex...lived the lie, took me with it because I didn't question his faith (none of my business) it was not until I became pregnant that I began to see what he was really doing. He lived the double life, I never met his parents and I was kept at arms length in that respect the whole time. I thought it was due to me being older than him & already being divorced with a child (that's what he kept telling me). He wanted to get married, bought the ring, everything. Needless to say, the pull of the cult, and his family was too much and he went back into the fold. He got married within 6 months and has recently become a father again. Where does this leave me? I have a son with this man and he is doing everything he can to raise him as a JW. The battle is the worse thing I've ever experienced and it's not something I wish to put my son through. I'm trying to do my very best, but fighting him and the organization is no fun. If he has to "do the right thing" then he's not going to do it with you. Chances are he does love you, and is no doubt having problems with his conscience, but he's still married, therefore "they" still have a hold on him and it seems to me, that hold is more than they can take. They usually bow to the pressure and you'll be left out.

    Good luck on this, I hope he proves me wrong for your sake & your child's sake.

  • upside/down

    Don't make babies till things are in order for one..

    Hey, I didn't mean to "judge" any of you. And if I did I apologize. I know being imperfect we get ourselves into some real jams- never intending to,that's human. But this is a pattern I see over and over- don't women get it- YOU'RE the ones that get pregnant (I wish it were different). Guys are *ssholes, especially when it comes to gettin a "piece".What kind of "christian" fathers a child and then abandons it because it's not PC?

    I do recommend a book that is GREAT on this subject. I GUARANTEE it will help you feel better and give you some insight as to why and how this happened to you, but even better how to deal with it and AVOID it in the future. This book doesn't "sugar coat' it. But you will like it!

    It's called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass Phd (deceased unfortunately in 2003). It will be salve on your wounds. And even a Dub could read it.


  • beebee

    Let me suggest yet another approach. All of what you and he are about to undergo will be painful and stressful and may well hurt your relationship. My thoughts, based on observation of a lot of relationships and chatting on other boards about the topic, would be for you to distance yourself a bit and let him clean up his mess before you get caught up any deeper (like a baby on the way isn't about as deep as it gets).

    I am suggesting that you tell him that you need to put some space between you to give HIM time to sort out his life and deal with his marriage, church issues, etc. That you are doing so for the benefit of both of you - for him it lessens his stress level (one less person to worry about), for you it lessens the pain of watching it all and feeling rather helpless. A lot of relationships come with one partner having excuses of one sort or another to NOT commit fully, and whether or not you can see it that way, this is exactly where he is. He says the right things to you to keep you hanging on, yet won't cut loose his wife and other life.

    I understand his turmoil too, ending a marriage, especially where kids are involved is difficult and the JW connection magnifies the difficulties. However he still has to decide what he wants and take action; waiting for someone else to do is a non-commital decision. If he really was ready to leave he would. Instead, he is taking the chicken way out and waiting on her. This may be understandable. On one hand, he hasn't been divorced and ALONE at all. Jumping from one relationship to another can be very frightening. Also he can be afraid of being alone, which creates its own set of problems.
    Most women in love are afraid to back away for fear of losing him permanently. You have an edge here, the baby will give you plenty of reason to stay in each other's lives.

    The benefit of backing away is that it will make him think - think about how much HE loves you and whether or not he loves you enough to do what he has to do, or risk losing you. He REALLY needs to be put into that spot. So while you tell him it is to relieve some of the stress, it also serves the purpose of giving him a reason to really think. Realistically the longer you are apart the more likely YOU will decide you don't want a married man and a dub at that. His risk of loss is greater than yours.

    However you really need him to decide what he wants and to be with you for the right reasons. If you back away, do it right. Maintain as little contact with him as possible and try to let any contact between you be initiated by HIM. In other words, make him work for your time and attention. Don't jump to answer on the first ring, and let the machine answer much of the time. Be slow to respond. He needs to feel a genuine risk of losing you for him to make a decision.

    Right now he is deciding he doesn't want to lose YOU or his other life. That's going to be very painful for you. You are better off putting him in the spot where he must decide, even if that means you may lose him. Better now than later after you've endurred much pain and wasted possibly years in love and committed to someone who will not give you the same.

    You also don't need the extra stress while pregnant and taking care of an infant. That alone is enormously stressful.

    Take care, you have a lot on your plate right now.

  • Golf

    I wish I had the magic words, but, I don't. I've been married for 42 years and I don't want to put a damper on your happiness.

    Why isn't he up front with you or has he? As a mother to be, it's not healthy to be in your state, mentally and emotionally.

    I hope for your sakes everything works out. My best wishes.


  • Jez

    Oh boy....where to start?

    If he is disfellowshipped, he may or may not want to get reinstated. That means he will have to go to meetings for months without anyone even looking at him, total ignoring. Ask him if he plans of being reinstated if he is df'ed and what it will mean.

    If he is disfellowshipped and chooses NOT to get reinstated, you or your child may never ever meet his parents let alone be accepted by them, you will not be accepted by his other children nor will your child. He will lose all friends and family. Many of us on this site are victims of this family shunning. My own mother will not talk to me and has met my husband only once.

    He seems older, like around 40, so why is he not willing to face up to his decisions and accept responsibility for them, why is he trying to pin it on his wife? It would scare the crap outta me to have a guy jump from such a long term relationship (16 years you say?) over to me. WOW. I applaud the other suggestion here to put some distance between you and him. Let him figure out his shit first.

    Tell him you are on this site. See what he says. Tell him you don't ever want to be a JW. See what he says. Tell him you don't want him to go back to the JW's. See what he says. You will soon figure out his priorities if you ask questions like this.

    You have put yourself into this tangled web of lies and deceit. It is too bad, but nothing is free and clear yet, so wait a bit until it is. Then see what happens. Go home to your parents or whereever you said you could go.

    Love Jez

  • Daizzy

    Hi Balsam, and thank you. I am starting to see more and understand more for what is going on. I never expected this many replies all in one day !! He has talked to me actually quite a bit about this whole JW thing. I know he knows that the congregation will DF him, and as far as I understand it bothers him a great deal but is ready to deal with it. He will get very quiet some times like something is wrong, and we have been able to read each other from day one. I kept asking him what it was getting too him and he finally told me that sometimes when he is quiet it is because he is thinking of how much wrong he is doing. and so on. His wife stopped going to the meetings like 6-7 years ago and has held something against him for that long by saying things like " we have only been married 10 years, not 16", I even heard her for myself on the phone several occasions bring up the past. Which she obviously has not gotten over.I heard her say like 3 times that she was going too the brothers and telling them that she cheated on him and she is filing for divorce. But she never follows through with it. I never intended to get involved with a married man because of all of this, but went through the same thing with my ex- husband and being miserable with no love, intimacy, talking, anything for over 2 years, and when I found out the real situation of his it changed me because he has been going through it for 6-7 years now. I was ready to pack and leave my job behind just so I wouldn't subject myself to him, due to knowing how I was feeling about him. He said and agreed that how can 2 people who are soooo very right for and good for each other let a chance pass them by and not make a go for it. This could be my soul- mate , the one man who is right for me, and me for him, despite the situation. I was under the impression that he was going to make everything right by leaving her asap, but as time goes by that does not happen. I get 2 different lines of what he is going to do back and forth. I love this man more than I could ever imagine in so little bit of time, I wanted to go about all of this the right way. Fix our problems, spend some more time together getting to know one another, then get married and have a child. Now it is all backwards and there isn't anything I can do to stop it, except leave him and go about my life , raise my daughter and his child by myself, and hope I don't ever run into him at another job site. We work Nuclear Power Outages and are even scheduled for 2 more together starting in March. But here is what has really got me: he agrees that I do not need this stress being pregnant and all, or regardless. And everything he has done so far proves that he loves me in not so many ways. He left our job in Virginia to drive all the way to Illinois and back with me in a matter of 3 days just so I could pick my daughter up whom I had never left with even my own dad while Iwas away working. He took me with him and put me up in a hotel in North Carolina just so he could still see me everyday while he would go home and spend time with his kids, he took my daughter and i around the Wilmington area so she could see the Ocean for the first time and such. He is now supporting me kinda while I am laid off and he isn't. I get monthly disability checks as I have had two transplants in the past year and a half. Him and I have went to New York Skiing over New Years and instead of letting me drive all the way back to Illinois myself from Ohio he drove me so I could pick my daughter up from my dads. He kisses my tummy and talks to the baby all the time, is always telling me just how much he loves me, and so on, but at the same time tells me that he has to wait for his wife to start the big fight so he can end it , and that his mom and sisters will love the baby no matter what , and will eventually grow to like me . i didn't want any of this. I want people to like for whom I am , not have to grow too like me. I wish I could start all of this over or just end it until it is right on his end. I love this guy so very much and just can't seem to break myself away from him even for the few times I have headed home to visit my parents and sister and brother. I just want to tell him that he either gets the cat out of the bag and end all of the lies or I will be gone for good.I am not and have never been a JW but I think it doesn't matter if you have already told one lie already or not. Just because he has already told one gives him no reason to tell more until time is good for him. I am sorry I wrote so much, i think I am finally relieving some of this stress. Thank you for your help and for listening. Talk to you soon.


  • Daizzy

    To Guest77,

    Hi and thank you , I am probably confusing everyone since to me in a way he seems very open to me about where he stands on the whole JW thing, and upfront about what he needs to do and that he wants to be with me. But at the same time he has me so confused like if he knows he is doing wrong and what he has to do to fix it then why doesn't he ? Or the fact that he is an active JW and I am not but he believes in this whole thing like nothing else , then why not just come out with it all, why keep the lying to everyone up? And if he knows it is stressful on me and the unborn baby, and truly does want too be with me then why doesn't he start right now by making everything right? I think that if all of this JW stuff wasn't involved, he would not only be able to do what he has to do to be with me quicker but also that we are very great for one another. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him- literally, 5, 10, 20 or more years. Whatever it may be. I thank you for listening. It sure is helping me to be able to let some of this out. He tells me to talk to him about it when the situation bothers me but sometimes he gets defensive and frusterated about it. Thank You,


  • beebee

    If you truly believe he may be your soul mate, then you must trust that. If you two are meant to work it out as a couple it will happen. Trusting that may well be what you need to step back and away for a bit. I'm not doubting he loves you, just suggesting that he has a bunch of crap to work out and he doesn't have to do that if you and his wife aren't making him. That's why i suggested you back away and see what happens.

    Two transplants recently? What does your doctor think of your pregnancy? Are you risking your life here? Are you too far into your pregnancy to weigh other options (not wanting to start an abortion war here..but jeez..it sounds like your life is so complicated here and you have another child who needs her mother too. Dying for a baby right now doesn't seem smart)?

    It seems you've been offered so many views to think about and good info at that. Imagine what you will do if down the road he wants to raise your baby as a dub and you don't? That could be hell and would also tear you apart and have traumatic impact on your child. What if he stays in, your baby goes in and your other daughter does not? Would she end up being treated as a second class citizen by him, his family and possibly you (if you join)? Lots of questions, no easy answers.

    Do you have access to a therapist? It may serve you to talk all these issues out with a professional who can be objective. If money is an issue, there are agencies that offer free and/or sliding scale services. You have to hunt for them. The only one I know of that is nationwide is Jewish Family Services. The counseling is NOT religious based and they take United Way funds and thus services are available to anyone on a non-discriminatory basis. Your religious beliefs would be respected despite the name of the agency and its general sponsorship.

    Take care.

Share this