Have you ever felt used?

by Country Girl 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • Incense_and_Peppermints
    How does one say *no*, politely, and still retain a relationship with a person? I don't want them to HATE me... I just want them to stop calling me and telling me their dramas.. because I have dramas of my own to work out..

    just say no politely. i used to be a tremendous giver, to the point where, rather than showing appreciation and gratitude for my financial and moarl support, friends and relatives took advatnage of that and asked me for more. one day i finally decided enough was enough. i mean, if they are going to be mad at you and "hate" you the first time you say no to them, do you really want someone like that around? i'm much more selective now as to who i allow into my life, and heart. i deserve to be with people who treat me with the same love and respect that i give them. that's why i don't get too close to people either. when you do, you can be hurt, and well, that's a whole 'nother story. anyway, good luck...

  • SheilaM

    I'm sorry, but I would treasure those nine people and the rest could go fry ice

  • wednesday

    I agree with Shelia, nine peopple who love me enough to come to my party. 9 makes a great party.

  • mrsjones5

    we've noticed that our "true friends" are the ones who help us move. 2 years ago we moved from california to indiana and had a lot of stuff to pack up since we were going to move all our stuff ourselves in a big truck.

    we had a friend who was down on his luck and staying with us (for almost 2 years). very conveniently he disappears for 3 days when it came to packing all our stuff and loading the truck, even though he promised to help. we didnt even see him before we left. fortunately we had other friends who came and helped us in our hour of need (more like many hours).

    to this day this friend calls us almost everyday (he has panic attacks) and i wonder if he ever thinks about how he let us down before we left and if he feels guilty about it. i have forgiven him.


  • Fleur

    I'm sorry that it took this situation, and hurt feelings, to bring you to the realisation that there are friends, and then there are people who will only be with us when it suits them, and gives them something. Fairweather friends is the phrase my mother used to use.

    I have found that when you have real troubles hit in your life, extended illness (or permanent disability in my case) job loss, family emergencies, a death of someone close to you, you find out really quickly who your real friends are. Dr. Phil says that "real friends are walking in the door when everyone else is going out." I have had to learn that while it is necessary to have some aquaintainces in life that are nice to be around, that I cannot expect too much from these shallow relationships.

    You sound so much like my mom in that everywhere she goes, she HAS to talk to people, she has had a habit of 'collecting' people with serious problems (addicts, prostitutes, etc) her usual MO is to try to "study" with them. But this habit made growing up in my household a nightmare. More than once I had to fend off people that followed mom home, who she let in with open arms. Only now, as a parent, do I realize how dangerous her inability to say no and set healthy boundaries was for us as her children.

    You have to get over the inability to say no, and set those boundaries. Otherwise you're right, you will be empty and have nothing to give to yourself, or anyone else. Nurture yourself, I recommend reading Martha Beck's column in Oprah magazine for starters. Go to the library and look at past issues of the magazine, I believe that her perspective could help you a lot. I know it's helped me.

    Only by getting rid of the psychic vampires from your life (the people who suck you dry and leave you exhausted) can you be a good friend to yourself, and to the wonderful nine people who showed up to celebrate with you. As far as your siblings...you've learned a hard lesson that ihad to learn myself a couple years back that my siblings CANNOT be counted upon in happy times, or sad ones. They just don't have anything to give, or share with me. They can only perpetually take. And they can only take what I let them, which is a lot less than it used to be.

    Be good to yourself, and remember to send a little card to everyone who came to your party, because friends like that are worth cherishing, and holding on to.



  • wildfire

    'Dear CG,,,,boy can I relate to feeling used....and not by my friends but by relatives...all the advice given here is soo good i really dont have much to add... just that I find you to be a truely genuine ..loving person who is a giving person... much like myself and also get into helping so much that i dont take time for my own life.....or what I want out of life....I have been very depressed ,, the holidays are not happy times for me....and not being able to see my grand kids ..well thats just the proverbial icing on the cake.....

    hey girl i would have loved to come to your bday party..... I know we havent known each other long...but we have shared some precious ,,,girl talk moments that i truely cherish....and even if you are married ,, theres nothing compared to girl talk and compassion that you showed to me...give me a call ,,, we do have a lot in common.....my ears and heart are always open for ya girl friend//////love wildfire....

  • Country Girl
    Country Girl

    Thanks guys! I really feel a lot better since reading this thread. It makes me realize that I have to make some changes in myself over the next year, and that is what I am going to do.

    You can't have a pink elephant on your lap, and say it's a lap dog, and expect it to act like one. I've been thinking all along that these people are my "friends" and all they want to do is take my time, friendship, and some even want to use me as the "Bank of Texas." I'm a BIG DAWG when it comes to defending myself or my family, but when it comes to people who I have given myself emotionally to that I barely know, I am nothing but a weenie dog. I want to become the BIG DAWG when it comes to protecting myself emotionally, and that's what I intend to do.

    Someone made a comment that the Nine Friends that *did* show up were the ones that I should be focusing on. They were right. The Nine Friends that did show up weren't trying to ask for advice, borrow money, or anything that would make me feel that they are users. They just came to share my party with me, and I really enjoyed them. Although one of the people that said she would show up is not really a "user", she just didn't show up cuz her husband stepped on her Yorkie dog's leg and she had to take him to a vet. Believe me, I am there for my friends, and I hope they'd be there for me... but sometimes I confuse friendship with people who need me, but aren't emotionally there for me.

    It gets old to be the one giving giving giving all the time, and when you need someone, they can't be there for you. Even my husband, who really doesn't know all this... he said "I'm really disappointed in your friends (and named their names). They call you every day, but they didn't care enough to show up." He also said "I am disappointed in your brothers and sister because they didn't even call." That was the most disappointing aspect of it all...my family.

    Oh well, I am going to make it my resolution to be more demanding and selective of my friendships this year, and hopefully I will make the good choices.

    Thank you all for your insightful commentary and suggestions. I will keep every one of them in mind the next time I get the stray at my door. Oh.. and pardon me anyone who was in chat after 12 p.m. CST for being quite the nut job... hehhhe.

    Country Gentile... er Girl

    P.S. Brenda, you are welcome at my house any time. Next time, just be sure you bring beer. heheheh.

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