by Country Girl 26 Replies latest jw friends
oh sorry...I hit post before too early...I just wanted to say that those that truly are your friends WILL take no for an answer.
Some people may not realize at that second they are taking advantage of you, but again, true friends will see the light...sometimes you just have to smack them in the head.
Dear CG,
Please know that we all love you so much. I'm going into the Psychology field and currently work with both mentally-ill and developmentally-disabled children. It is a draining at times, as much as I love it. I see a therapist once every 2-4 weeks, not as much anymore for a lot of my own sh** but b/c the jobs drain me so much. What she said at our last appt. was so enlightening, and I know you would fit into this category. Those of us who are "healers" or in the "healing professions" give and give and give - and we, to be honest, get a "high" out of giving - it's not an entirely unselfish act. But it takes all kinds to make the world go round and our kind is a blessing like most other kinds out there. But we also only have so much healing energy. The more we give, the lower our reserves get, and pretty soon we are so drained ourselves, so emotionally trashed, that we find ourselves doing out-of-control things to somehow get our personal reserves filled again. I hope you find yourself able to plan things to take care of you, because otherwise you're going to burn out.
Much love,
Kitties
Thanks so much for all your helpful advice, it really got me thinking.
I am *not* a counselor, but I am a chatter. I chat with anyone that will have words with me. That makes me vulnerable to something I can not handle. I am a complete nut job, and I am sure that most psychiatrists would be seeing dollar signs in their head if they met me. But I am a lover of WORDS. I am a writer by trade, in case you haven't noticed, but I just collect nut job friends. They are addicts, ex-cons, whinos, all that stuff. I stuff myself out here in the country and I *still* pick em up.
I have trouble just saying NO. I *want* to say no, but I just can't. I sit on the phone with some of them most of the day talking about their probation, their WIC, their welfare, prison sentences, probation, parole.. I know a lot about that stuff since I worked for lawyers most of my life. But I didn't picture it like this.
Alot of these people that I invited to my party are reformed (see above), but they are still good.
I'm ONE MESSED UP CHICK.
Country GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL
How does one say *no*, politely, and still retain a relationship with a person? I don't want them to HATE me... I just want them to stop calling me and telling me their dramas.. because I have dramas of my own to work out..
CG, sometimes it's more about ourselves than others. IOW's, we attract drama into our life, because we have a need for it. Believe me, been there, done that, and this is in no way intended to denigrate you. How do we stop it? Well, here's an example my own mom provided me with just yesterday: a bit of background: mom is 68 yo, has a pacemaker and is a candidate for sudden death because of her heart problems. She lives in public housing. The other day, she says, an elderly (84) yo lady who is a drama queen and source of much backstabbing and gossip amongst the neighbors, came over and started to unload the latest scenario on mom. She politely, but firmly stopped the lady and told her that being a candidate for sudden death and having poor health, she is trying to cut out all non-essential negativity and problems in her life. She told her that she just couldn't afford to listen to her, because it would impact her health severely. I was soooo proud of mom, because, she, like me, has been a doormat all her life. We hold things in and listen to others problems til they overwhelm us. Then we end up blowing up at just the slightest provocation, usually at someone who hasn't had any part in anything. As you may imagine, this behavior is so hard to break free from, and when she told me that she had actually put up boundaries, I was excited and thrilled, because, if she can do it, I certainly can. I know that she passed this behavior to me, and in some wierd psychological way, she is now telling me that the behavior is not good and giving me permission to release it. In this past year, I have really, consciously given myself permission to avoid anyone who is not good for me, mentally, emotionally or physically. I am trying to take better care of me. Hope this helps, hon.
Terri
I am thinking about those whose invitation I rejected when I was a JW...
Maybe some of them felt the same as you now do :-(
I went through a phase where i spent a lot of time, money and effort on those types of people. I was 'helping' them. I'm not sure if any inproved. Eventually, i stopped doing that and i realised that i needed help myself. Since then, i have been trying to do that.
In the wt, it was said that helping others helps yourself, or makes you feel better. That is sort of true, but if a person does it for that reason, it's on the same level as eating chocolate to feel better, or going to a movie. It doesn't address the real problems.
How to stop those people from unloading on you? How to stop jamming yourself into the gears of their lives? From your description of yourself as a chatter, it looks like you switch on thses people into your life. So really, you are controling the process. They are just reacting. It's your choice if you want to continue this or not. Also, realise and accept that their problems aren't your problems. It's not your responsibility to save them. It's your responsibility to help yourself first. Even for us messed up people, there are always people worse off than us. There always will be.
The way i sluffed off those people was by moving and not answering the phone calls from some of them. There is one that i still talk to from time to time, a sort of borderline jw.
Another thing, try to associate w people who will uplift you, who by their example will move you to a better level of life.
That's my 2 cents worth on this subject
S
I am complaining because of the people that TAKE so much of me, every day, every week. They take my time, my advice, my friendship, and they return NOTHING and nothing is basically what I get in return. But I can't say "no, stop it." How do I do that?
CG, I know exactly how you feel. I give and give and give to family and friends all the time, but it's rare that I ever get anything back. I just have a giving nature, as apparently you do too, but it can hurt when it's all one sided. I finally put my foot down about a year ago simply because I was zapping myself dry; I had nothing left to give ME, because I was always giving to someone else. I no longer call "friends" who can't be bothered to call me. I no longer call "friends" who say "give me a call some time and we can do lunch." Sorry, but if they can't pick up the phone once in a while to call me, then they're not really my friends. I still talk with them whenever I see them, but I don't go out of my way anymore for them.
Country Girl,
Shut up and wait for me to come visit and take advantage of you, and tell Rat I got more luggage than he can carry in the house. LOL
Love you girl.
oh my beautiful Country Girl (((((CG)))))
You have such a loving heart and a generous spirit. I suspect it's hard for people to realize that they are selfish in taking so much and not returning the love. I am so sorry that your birthday wasn't what you had hoped it would be. I can relate as I spent my 50th birthday alone.
Dear heart, you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. You weren't brought into this world to raise every livin' soul on it. Take care of you first and the rest will fall into place.
I wish I could have been there for your party. What a grand time we would have.
(((CG)))
love you
Lisa
Not the same context but about the subject itself :
Well ... at some point I don't care (I'm a giver and sometimes they didn't ask for it ... So) ... but then again there is a limite ... What I won't forgive easely to a friend is when I said I need you, and he/she would react like he/she didn't understand, or feel like I'm strong enough to handle things when I'm only asking for a moral support (I'm tired of this strong stupid stuff ... realise that it is not my choice in this context ... they don't even give it to me ... Maybe I should suicided for them to understand ... ooops too late ... So of course I'd rather handle IT alone and forget about them - cause then they become a problem from an other when I'm already down).
Each time I have to face this I remember the best compliment I ever had but which came from my father he said : If there is one personne I will never feel anxious about it's Corinne because she will always find a way out !!! ... Well thank Yourself (for nothing) dad, cause maybe it was just because you felt better thinking that way to save some efforts for yourself !!! I can just hope you were right YOU BA$TARD !
What I want to say here is that sometimes you have to tell what you are expecting from your friends (some people are just in the moon or just lazy or both or even different in there ways and can't come to and extanted understanding of your expectation (terrible friends - but human too - even nice sometimes but it takes time to realise) ... anyway if they love you, they'll understand (at least what you've said clearly) and make an effort at their own level of possibility or their own way for any form of exchange that will please you ... (it doesn't mean being there always ... that's when we need to make the difference in between wanting and being able to). Some people are good suport and some people are just freaks or simply not available why (well ask them - you'll get the point from their answer even if they are lying).
In situation after a while I do now tell loud and clear what I'm expecting / and what I won't take ... Time tells and then if they act like : Oooops I didn't understand ... I shut the DOOR (harsh way, nice way depends on the details) ... voilà ... (at least they know why, they can't tell I haven't been clear on the matter).
