Well, she sounds like a normally developing teen to me:)
I have two teens, and a twenty-something year-old. I'm still muddling through and learning myself, but some things I've found to be good advice are:
1.Pick your battles. It gets tiresome making lists of rules and negotiating every darn little issue. In our household, tobacco, alcohol and drug use is non negotiable. My kids do what they like with their rooms-I only ask them to clean it if we have to offer it to company, and they have no problem with this. They choose their clothes, also, but I set the budget. If they want to go above the budget, they have to cover the extra cost. They may not buy any clothing that promotes illegal behavior until they are eighteen. After that, I don't offer clothing advice unless asked.
2. When you say no, mean it. Teens will try everything in their arsenal to wear you down. Sometimes, the more you try to explain your reasonable position, the more they will try to prove how unreasonable it is by their standards, or the family down the streets standards, or their teacher's standards, or...anyway, my usual response if my attempts at reasoning fail is "Other people are welcome to do things the way they choose. This is the way we do things in this family. When you are legally responsible for your own behavior, you may choose to handle this in any way you wish."If that fails, I simply apply the "broken record technique"-I repeat my request over and over in a calm voice until the child runs out of reasons.Or I remove myself from the teen's access, but not before I tell them that I expect whatever I requested to be done.
3. That being said, make sure when you say no, you have a pretty good reason for doing so first. And if you realize that you really didn't, don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong."
4. The more insistent and argumentative your teen gets, the more you should try to speak in a calm, lower tone. Don't know why this works for me, but it does;)
5. Motorcycles are great tools for teaching responsibility. Grounding a teen boy off his motorcycle is viewed by him as a fate worse than death:)(find your child's bargaining chip and use it sparingly but effectively).
6. Try to commend your teen as much as you "discipline" them. Believe me, even on a really rotten day, you can find something to commend them for (have had alot of those, especially with one certain, very intelligent and stubborn son, lol).
7. Be an active listener. This sounds easy, but it is really alot harder to do than you think when you come home from work dead tired and want nothing more than to flop down in front of the tv. Really listening to your kids encourages them to really listen to you, plus you find out what interesting and complex beings they truly are:)
8. Participate in your teen's school functions. They may act like they don't want you to attend their events, but you may be pleasantly surprised how happy they are when you do. Just don't expect them to walk down the hall with you before or after the event, lol.
9. Don't be afraid to step outside of the box sometimes. Try something new your child has shown you. I've learned about soccer while playing it with my sons, I'm slowly learning about motocross racing, and I may someday learn to appreciate movies that feature lots of bathroom type humor (hey, I didn't say this was always easy).More importantly, I'm teaching them to try new experiences that I introduce them to by respecting them enough to try some things I would normally not be interested in aka-bathroom humor, heehee).
10. Read to or with your teens. For some reason, we tend to slack off on encouraging reading when our kids are teens. Aliteracy is a growing problem, and many folks never learn to read fluently or learn to enjoy reading for reading's sake, because they don't do it outside of the school setting. It's simply seen as something that "must" be done, instead of something that brings great enjoyment and enrichment to life. I still read aloud to my sons, and they occasionally share with me something they've read that they really like.I buy them magazines geared toward their interests, too. They can't resist motorcycle magazines, lol.
11. Traveling in cars is a great opportunity for "life talks"-all those serious issues that we have to talk with our teens about. It's intimate because your interacting one on one with your child, yet somehow some of the tough issues seem easier to cover while one is looking down the road, especially in the dark. I've had some of my most profound conversations with my children in the car.
12. I know it's hard putting up with the "daily grind," but try to appreciate the fact that your teen is having these battles with you because they are growing up. When they feel secure enough to show you their worst side, you're actually doing a great job. Some kids are just more secure than others, lol. It's a parent's job to give your kids wings.And with some kids you just have to grit your teeth and hope they don't fly too close to the sun:)
13. Don't be overly concerned with mistakes you make in childrearing. You're human too. Sometimes we and our children learn more from a mistake than from doing things "the right way."
Oh, and I can't forget to say "Good Luck." That comes in handy sometimes, too;)
