What would you do?,,,,need advice

LyinEyes

Many of you know that since I am d/a, I have'nt spoken to my JW Dad in about 3 years. Well, he is trying to make contact with me, he and my sister had lunch the other day. He said he has been trying to get in touch with us for about 6 months. I don't know why he is trying now,,,maybe he is just missing us. My sister said he asked her if some of the JW's did something to hurt me or my family, if that is the reason we left. She told him , that I really didnt tell her why and that someday I would tell her more, but we really don't talk about it much. That was true at first when I left because I was still working out the kinks on why myself , but now she knows that I no longer believe it to be "truth".

I am wondering if I should call him, he called our house and talked to my son, who will be 18 in a couple of months and my son talked to him just briefly.

I have healed so much from the past, things dealing with the JW's, dealing with my Mom's suicide and things dealing with him.

In my heart and mind , I just wrote off my relationship with my Dad, as if he was dead, and I was dead to him.

Now he wants to talk to me,,,,,,,I am scared really. I don't want to hash up the past, I dont want to get into telling him all the reasons I don't believe it is the truth because he will defend it to the death, and he will try to convert me back. He will use guilt I am sure as he always has. He will probably use the old tactics he always has making me feel bad, I can just hear his voice cracking as he will probably be emotional over it .

I am so afraid it will reawaken feelings I have put to rest. I wonder if I can just call him, check on him, and he me, without getting into all of that.

If I allow him back in my life, will I only hurt myself , and all this time of healing will I go back to hurting again?

He told my sister............" I know what the printed word ( the WT) says about d/f, d/a family and socializing, but ya'll are my family and I want to be able to call ya'll to check on you, and ya'll call me and check on me".

That is the way my Dad always delt with d/f family and certain d/f JW's, feeling he was a little above the average JW, and could set his own rules on dealing with d/f ones.

Have any of you kept in contact with JW family, or let them back in your life, after being totally shunned? Did you just not "go there" with the JW issues?

Just looking for some feedback on this, before I decide what to do..........thanks , hugs to you all, Dede.

OUTLAW

Hey LyinEyes,((Dede)) my heart go`s out to you girl.If you don`t feel ready to approach this ,don`t do it..If it dosen`t feel right,it`s wrong..You can always do this when you feel your ready..Tell "Wild Turkey" OUTLAW says:hey...OUTLAW

Valis

Hi mudbug! Hope all is well w/the rest of ya'll.Hey Dede, maybe you want to write him a letter and get some of your feelings out that way. THEN explain to him what you think normal relations with him should be and leave the ball in his court. My parents know what my deal is. No JW stuff and if they want to be a part of my life then they will come to me. Kind of like my safety zone when it comes to the feelings I haven't ever really vented on them. It is uncomfortable being in their house and I have my life now. I can let them in, but in some sense I can't go back to what they would believe in normal behavior. I also don't pretend I have no issues now with their religion. This is important for your dad to understand if you decide to let him back in. I hope even one of my sentences helps Dede..*LOL* Take care and it is always good to see you.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

SixofNine

Well Dede, IF you can approach him on an adult level, that would be an incredibly empowering thing for you. Of course, to do that, you'll have to not only step up and be an adult *in relating to him*, but you'll have to deal with him NOT being an adult (the "father" thing is just a role), as a frightened Jehovah's Witness.

He'll either respect you for it, or not. Either way, it's something important for you to do. Past a certain point (18, 19, 20?), mommies and daddies shouldn't be mommies and daddies anymore; they should be equals who happen to be your Father or Mother, and they should be friends that you love and that love you. Easier said than done.

iiz2cool

You said you haven't spoken to him an about 3 years. Is it possible that he's formed a few doubts about the cult in that time?

Walter

groovycat.

Yeah, a letter sounds good; that way you control what is said and read. You might also want to encourage him to write back as opposed to calling at first, that way, if you don't like what is being said, you don't have to read it (or at least you don't have to deal with it in a confrontational environment). You should tell him the basis on which you would like to resume (as far as possible) a father/daughter relationship at the outset - no room for confusion and honest.

Bubbamar

Hey Dede

I contacted my mom after 8 years of totally shunning her for years of painful rejection/shunning from her. I had finally had enough. Its been a few months since I got back in touch with her - and it has been okay. It has been very important for me to set boundaries - No guilt trips, no shame, no condemnation, no lying. If she talks JW she will get anti-JW right back. And we ONLY do email and letters. I haven't even given her my phone number. Its just so much harder to keep boundaries and not get sucked in to a negative discussion on the phone. If she can behave for several months - I would consider letting her call me. That's just my experience.

Have you read Releasing the Bonds? Hassan gives some good pointers. One thing he says is that as long as they are alive there is hope.

Your mental health and peace of mind should be #1 IMO. Do whatever YOU feel is right for YOU. Not what you think you 'should' do for him.

Good luck to you!! I know it really sucks sometimes.

Odrade

Do you feel like you HAVE to contact him now that he is trying to initiate contact with you? Sweetie, I know from these boards that you have a big heart and want to do right, but this is in your territory. You have the right to say if this contact is what you want or not. Make the decision based on what is good for YOU, not on what you "should" do, or what is good for him. It's not selfish to take care of yourself.

If this contact with your dad is something missing in your life that you need--even if it's on his terms--then that might be the other side. Just remember to do it for you, and you may not get the reaction you desire, so whatever you do, base it on what YOUR actions will do for YOU, not on what his actions will do, if he does what you wish he would, cause that way only lies more hurt and frustration.

It's nice to know that he's trying to make contact, but if you have reason to believe that letting him do what he wants will cause you more pain, then it's okay to say you're not ready for it.

((((Dede)))))

O

edit: haha! Bubbamar has been reading the same book as I evidently.

hillbilly

"A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step"..........You know what you will tolerate. Call him up and let him know you are still his daughter and let it go from there Dede.

Blood is thicker than any JW water (sooner or later)...... If your Daddy wants his family he will do what he needs to do.

~~Jeff

Dansk

Hi Dede,

I have healed so much from the past
Now he wants to talk to me,,,,,,,I am scared really. ...............He will use guilt I am sure as he always has. He will probably use the old tactics he always has making me feel bad, I can just hear his voice cracking as he will probably be emotional over it .
I am so afraid it will reawaken feelings I have put to rest. I wonder if I can just call him, check on him, and he me, without getting into all of that.
If I allow him back in my life, will I only hurt myself , and all this time of healing will I go back to hurting again?

The truth is you won't know if your fears are groundless or not without meeting your father again! You say it's been three years and that he wants to contact you.

For what it's worth, I believe everyone deserves another chance. It may be like what you're worried about. Then again, it might be that your father has changed. I know I've changed these past two years.

The best thing you can do is have someone you love and trust (your hubby) close by - not necessarily in the same room - but just close enough to give you confidence. If it doesn't work out you can kindly ask your dad to leave. But if it does work out you've got a lifetime of a loving relationship with your dad to look forward to and enjoy. I'd go for it!

I wish you all the love and success in the world. Keep us informed.

Ian

What would you do?,,,,need advice

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