We care here.
I got backmy sick son,,, just to lose the rest ofmy family
I know from what you've said, there are times when you must feel totally overwhelmed and without enough resources to rely on...then you feel helpless. You have had very tough times. Having to deal with this religion alone overwhelms some people. Dealing with an abusive husband overwhelms others. Raising 5 children with different needs, ages and personalities overwhelms a lot of good people. Dealing with a child that has mental illness AND no father AND the WT's unbalancing, confusing, heartbreaking influences on him...AND on you is extreme pressure.
On top of all that...taking care...good care of everyone else...you are suffering from depression.
When I remember and picture in my mind all you have accomplished, yes, a c c o m p l i s h e d I am very proud of you. Despite everything, YOU are still here, battling away. When you need help, you ask for it...you're doing it now. I am sure it was YOU that is getting your son into that clinical study. I think you are the heart and soul and power for your family. You are keeping them together as best you can. You are indespensible. You are needed.
Flyinghigh caught this first, something you said:
...sometimes nothing makes sense anymore.. i cant please everyone...i cant erase the horrible past my children went thru.....i knowthat..
Sometimes, when I overload my computer with too much 'stuff ' running, I get a "Resources Are Very Low" message. It tells me to "Shut Down" some programs to relieve the load on the CPU. If I don't, you know what'll happen -- CRASH !
Maybe you've taken on too much at one time. When your "Resources" are low, you need a rest, too. As much as you want to try and help everybody else, they are adults now. They need to find their own way, make their own mistakes and figure out solutions -- on their own. Just like you've done. You maybe taking on too much and others may be letting you. Something's got to change.
You are not a computer girl, you're flesh and blood. Your kids need to get over themselves and give you some help and rest. You need to take care of yourself now.
You've done your best for them. We are all proud of you girl !
We are all struggling here. I too am struggling with trying to break free and just not care what others think of me or whether or not they let me go due to their cultish thinking.
I think many emotionally sick ppl make up one big emotionally sick organization. Ppl that join it or stay are looking for a crutch or need others to make up their mind for them bec they are not able to or they have been born into this and have had their minds twisted to the point of not knowing how to survive normally, think for themselves AND let others think for themselves.
I have spent my whole life trying to help others see things MY way. For many of us here, that form of brain-training does not end. I am having a hell of a time accepting the fact that I can't make others think my way nor should I be trying to anymore. That is a dub speaking.
Your family may never see things YOUR way, OUR way. But that is ok. That is their decision. They are ill in some way, not you. You and them have been conditioned to think that it is US that is ill because WE left. I am afraid that you and I and I am sure many others, have fallen into the trap of accepting and then internalizing that lie. They think we are ill, wrong, ungodly therefore we self fulfill that.
I for one am determined to stop that. I want to identify the ways that I think, what has been implanted there and get rid of it. I don't want to just give up on this journey of discovering who I am. I am tired of being silenced. Don't let them silence you by giving them your very LIFE!!!! Continue and have faith in a higher being and in humanity.
Sometimes all we can do is just breathe in and out because it all hurts so bad, but know that little by little, the fog lifts. And when it does lift, you will see for the first time in your life so much clarity and hope, each little step forward will give you even more strength for the next step forward, until you can face anything.
I AM holding you in my inner thoughts and sending positive thoughts to you. Jez
First, you have to begin by understanding that you have no power to change one thing about the past. The only control you have is what you do right now. Secondly, please call a suicide hotline and get connected with counseling. Try to find a counselor that understands what it means to have belonged to a cult.
Once your son is on the correct meds you should see a change in his behavior. As far as your kids acting this way....just understand that they to need help in dealing with their abusive past. You can't help them with this, they have to seek the help they need. If it is ever brought up to you you need to tell them that you did the best you could at the time. You are sorry they experienced what they did, but it was not by your hands. You love them regardless. Take care of yourself first wildfire before others, or you will have nothing left to help yourself with.
You are in my thoughts!!!!!
(((((((((Wildfire)))))))))...........I had a huge reply, but basically, Swan already said everything I was going to say..........You sound like me: we get overwhelmed with everything, because we think of everything all at once. I'm learning not to do this because that's when we feel like giving up. Right now, forget your daughter ostracizing you (I'm not even sure why she's doing that.........aren't people supposed to help their own?). Numero uno is councelling and meds for your son and yourself. I've often thought of seeing a councellor who helps people leave cults. The Borg is like a freaking spider's web: it's harder than hell to break free. Sounds like your congregation and elder body were absolutely useless, but you really need some professional councelling now---so don't delay.
and the person who is a major part in this drama is gone.....their annointed asshole father who i blame for sooo many things.....
Ya it sounds like he needs his annointed ass kicked all the way to New Jerusalem.......rotten shit............
Keep your chin up and keep posting here...........IT HELPS!!
Hi WildFire i know what your life has been life and you have always fought back and again you have to fight. You are doing the right thing taking care of your son and if the rest of the family cannot understand the love the mother has for her child then they are the ones who are sick. Take your life ? Why so the cult will win. What would your son do with out you or the other kids they need you through their lives.
WildFire you have always been a fighter and cannot quit now because of ignorant people. Please don't do anything drastic ,you are a good person with a big heart,don't let the few take it away.
Wildfire, everyone else has said it all but I just wanted to add that having met you in Dallas I found you to be a positive, strong and wonderful person. I know you can get through this without giving up. Your a strong woman and a survivor. Even if you dont think so at the moment..trust me on this. You are strong..I can tell just from our brief conversations.
Hang in there...
Hope you are feeling a little better today and that your outlook is even just a little more positive. We do care.
Wildfire.. my heart goes out to you. I know what it like to be suicidal....(and attempt it).. what it is like not to have people take you serious about it.. AND.. what it is like to be disowned from family or lose children.. heartbreaking..
sending a warm sunshine hug from Cali! take care ((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))
Wildfire, I have a 26 year old schizophrenic son, too. My boy is a little worse off, as he doesn't think he needs treatment. He lives in the inner city, and I hardly know if he will make it through another winter. But on the plus side, I have a fine network of family and friends at my side. Maybe because my family was not touched by the Watchtower Society has been a big bonus.
If you are depressed yourself and having suicidal thoughts, you must first, FIRST, FIRST, FIRST take care of yourself. Your son will need a healthy and capable mother around for him as he goes through is ups and downs through the years. Your daughters need time to work through their own pain, so that when they are older they can come back and thank you for being their mother.