I got backmy sick son,,, just to lose the rest ofmy family

by wildfire 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  wildfire

  I am so upset ,,its hard to even write this out...but I know I must.....someof you know of my past...coming from a very difficult marriage with a so--called annointed one.. who made my life and the lives of my 5 children. a living hell.....I only have one daughter in the borg...but even tho i am dis associated she still talks to me....I moved to Texas to be near my daughter and my grand kids...but now I am being ostrasized for helping my schizophrenic son (24),,who couldnt make it on his own in north dakota.....

  And my son almost didnt make it to texas as he was thrown off the bus for smoking and abandoned... I went on a mission to find him.....by backtracking and giving out flyers of his picture with my phone ..number on it. as it happened someone recognized him and I got him back....safe but not sound....

  so now my daughters and their boyfriends have disowned me for taking him in....why i am not really sure....but with everyday mydepression gets worse....I have been hospitalized for attempted suicide many times...and theythink i am making up this shit....

  just recently i was hospitalized ,,,for another suicide attempt... i think iwill make the next one stick...my brother killed himself at 38,,, no one knew the horrible secrets in his life and the family didnt want to know......now hes gone...leavingbehind 3 daughters and 2 grand daughters.

  Do they even know the pain and torments I have endured for soo long being in a cult...my 21 yr old daugher willlnever forgive me for what i did toher... sheis out now... but her sister is still in and I know its tearing her apart....my 24 yr old son is schizophrenic and may never be normal....but I am taking care of him as the rest ofthe family have abandoned him to my care....ha i cant even take care of me...for christs sake..

  for those of you I met at dallas in may,,,you know me right could i really be capable of being so selfish...so uncaring......I need your prayers and strength to get me thru this now...

  there were so many things i couldnt do,, when my kids were being abused... I had to be submissive to that fucking jerk...he hurt me ,,, the borg hurt me....everyone gets hurt....

  But this may be the straw that broke the camels back....words can and do hurt ,,, I can only say sorry to them so much.....but their dad willnever do that..he willnever make there hurt go away....

  I just need ed to be heard as my daughters do not want me to talk to them....and it is breaking my heart in two so imust get my book done..before i am gone for good.....shalom my dear friends
• 

  czarofmischief

  Hang in there. One foot in front of the other. Maybe you could use a stay in a hospital or something; it can be a rest.

  CZAR
• 

  Bryan

  (((((wildfire)))))

  I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through and all you are currently dealing with. You must think more than twice about hurting yourself. You went through a lot to find your son, who will help him in your absence?

  Your daughters may feel you are only enabling him - which is not good for him - keeping him dependent. You have done an amaizing thing by finding him. You're a great mother. You really need to get him some help now. You cannot give him what he really needs if he truly is schizophrenic. And it seems obvious to me that you need to concentrate on yourself. Sounds like you still need some healing. The healing we all need after the borg.

  Please take a breath, and at the moment, don't worry about what your daughters think. Get your son taken care of, find some peace for yourself. Then talk to your daughters... One thing at a time. You cannot tackle everything at once.

  Thinking of you,

  Bryan
• 

  Shakita

  Dear Wildfire,

  I am sorry that your daughters have disowned you over your decision to take your schizophrenic son into your home. You are overwhelmed with grief and distress over all the things that have happened in your life. You need to talk to a mental health professional now. Please don't delay. Your life is worth living despite what you have gone through. Talking to a mental health professional may help you to get things out into the open. It is better to talk to someone about what you are going through rather than keeping everything inside. Please keep us informed about how things are going. We care.

  Mr. Shakita + family
• 

  BluesBrother

  Hello Wildfire, I have just reviewed some of your posts and I am So sorry for all the hurt that you have had to endure. It really should not all happen to one person - but it does.....

  Please take care, take a deep breath and stay as calm as you possibly can . Your son needs you. Perhaps better medical care would help?

  This board is a great place to let off steam.. so let it do its job ..Rant all you want , we dont mind. We understand things as only another ex dub can... Hang on in there
• 

  wildfire

  thank you so much for caring bryan and czar...sometimes nothing makes sense anymore.. i cant please everyone...i cant erase the horrible past my children went thru.....i knowthat..somany of us can truly relate to this kind of numbing..pain.....and I have gone soo far..leaving behind people i knew for half of my life only to be betrayed....a religion that sucked me dry,,,,left me alone and then i stillhad 5 children who are still hurting and will continue to hurt... so i dont blamethem for their anger at me ...at the org.....at life....nothing is really fair is it??????

  my son is getting into a clinical study on schizophrenics and hopefully he willget the right meds so he can go to work adn feel better about his life.....he too crawled back to the org ,,only to be dispised and thrown out like yesterdays garbage...so i know he is in pain....

  and the person who is a major part in this drama is gone.....their annointed asshole father who i blame for sooo many things.....

  but againthanks foryour loving concern it means alot to me....

  (ONLY ANOTHER APOSTOFEST WILL CHEER THIS WILDFIRE UP!!!!!!!) SO BRING EM ON......
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  so now my daughters and their boyfriends have disowned me for taking him in....why i am not really sure...

  WF, when things like this happen with you in such a vulnerable state, it can seem as if they are permanent and overwhelming. But like everything else in our lives: "This too shall pass." You can softly and lovingly repeat this to yourself when things seem unbearable. You are in a crisis moment but things will ease up.

  Your daughters only have one mother. They will remember that.

  As for you and your son. Please try to talk to a social worker or your doctor or therapist. Get help for you and get help for him. Don't try to bear this without professional help.

  Finally, please let me say that you obviously love all of your children very, very dearly. To go and find your son and try to help him when you are in such a fragile state, well it testifies for the good things you wish for your children and to the kind of mother you are and want to stay. Allow yourself to feel good about that.

  Do not hurt yourself. Your children need their mother and so do your grandchildren need their grandmama.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  i cant please everyone...i cant erase the horrible past my children went thru.....

  But what you can do is love them NOW. You can tell them that you love them and together all of you will make the best of the rest of your lives. They need you and they need your love. My mother was both abusive and good to me. I miss her presence on this earth very dearly. When it came her time to leave this earth she left it in my arms. Your daugthers will realize they need you. I'm confident of this.

  Edited to add: your daughters could be helped to realize that you would make the same effort for them if they were abandoned by the bus driver.
• 

  bikerchic

  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((wildfire))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  I am so sorry you are having such a tough time right now and I know you are feeling overwhelmed and overburdened, but girl you will get through this because you are tough and you are doing the right thing by taking care of your son. One day at a time girl, heck do it one nano second at a time if that's all you can do. I love you hun and would help you if I was closer, my heart aches for what you've and your children have endured, but like I said you are tough! You will get through this and it will forever be a milestone for you, make it a good one girl do yourself and your kids proud. I'm sending positive vibes your way....feel them and believe in yourself you can do this!

  ...i cant erase the horrible past my children went thru.....

  The only way to undo the past is by building and living a better NOW! Live in the moment, put forth your best effort and never give up, never stop loving your children.

  Take care hun, I'll be thinking about you and worring a bit too.

  Love,

  Kate

  PS Craig sends his love too.
• 

  Swan

  Please! Please, please get counseling!

  It is so vital that you get a trained therapist to help you through this. Preferably find someone who has some knowledge of exit counseling. They can understand the amazing power and damage a cult group can have on our lives. They understand how wild and bizarre the images and messages we were bombarded with were, and how devastating to our psyche they can continue to be long after. You can take the woman out of the cult, but it takes much longer to get the cult out of the woman. A good counselor realizes this and will help you with this process.

  Posting here is also very important. A support group comprised of those who went through similar experiences is also part of your healing process. We know how destructive our previous lives were, and how hard we have had to work to adjust to normal life after growing up thinking bizarre was normal.

  You might want to think about ignoring your daughters for the moment. You cannot change their situation. They will not let you. So for now, let it go. Concentrate on yourself first and your son second. You won't be of much help to him if you are not well and whole, so focus on that as your main goal.

  This is completely backward from what the JWs taught us. The taught us to be humble, meek, and self-sacrificing. We were always to think about others above ourselves. That is because in a cult, that is what works. The collective is the important thing, the individual's needs are, if not irrelevant, are certainly secondary.

  In therapy I have learned that I need to take care of me first, because there is only one person in the whole world who can do that best, ME. Once ME is taken care of, helping others is much easier and more rewarding.

  We were taught that ME was a bad word in the cult. In the eighties they went on and on from the stage about how awful the ME generation was. It was only awful when some people took the concept of ME to the extreme and broke insider trading laws, etc. That isn't what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about focusing on ME to the point that whole rest of the world be damned. I'm talking about focusing on ME to get your basic needs met, then ME is in a much healthier place to think about others. Can you see why that concept was a big problem to a cult?

  Okay, enough about ME, lets talk about YOU. What do YOU think of ME? ( Sorry, I just had to throw that in. I heard it years ago and love that joke! Oh, my twisted sense of humor. )

  Have you ever heard of Abraham Maslows Hierarchy of Needs? I learned about this in community college psych 101. See, the Watchtower had real concerns about us even going to a trade school. It was there I began to start thinking for myself, which is very dangerous for the cult leadership. You may want to research Abraham Maslow, and some of his teachings. It is very informative about where we need to learn to put our priorities. This is something most people already know to some extent, but in a cult, that ability gets twisted so that the cult benefits.

  So please go to counseling. Call your county mental health department if your insurance won't cover it. Sometimes they can get you resources you couldn't otherwise get.

  And congratulations on getting this far. You have come a long way on your own and you have survived everything thrown at you. You have done an incredible amount of work already. Therapist appreciate that. Pat yourself on your back for what you have accomplished.

  Keep posting.

  We care.

  Tammy