First of all, I'm sorry you have to go through this stressful situation. *hugs* This is very reminiscent of my recent letters back and forth with my JW sister. The crux of our disagreement was my 'betrayal' of her, and how the fact that I'm doing well now (mentally, emotionally, physically) doesn't negate my past actions (disassociating), but that I was to erase her years of abusive and controlling behaviour toward me, because she put on the "Christian personality."
A couple of things:
1. I pointed out her double standard and asked her if she really thought that what she had said was reasonable. I also pointed out (at least in this case) that her behaviour hadn't stopped at baptism, but had continued, albeit much less in quantity, until as recent as a year ago -- and I named a specific incident of her uncontrolled anger.
Your Mom seems to have a similar double standard...you and your sis need to change and get over things and put things behind you, but she's not going to change in her dealings with you. HUH?
2. I told my sister that I deliberately left religion and God out of my dealings with her because I knew that the WTS said that a "Christian in good standing" should not be talking to a disfellowshipped/disassociated person about beliefs or scripture. I also told my sister that if she wanted to open that door, then she should expect to be hearing all sorts of things from me; but out of respect for her and her cherished beliefs I stayed off that subject.
If you feel confrontational you can bring something like this up. My sister responded by voice mail and I deleted it before listening to it all, as she wasn't following my "rules" (see point number 4). In my case, I had nothing else to lose...my sister needed to give her head a good shake and I gave her a little help. ;)
3. I also told my sister that my relationship, in whatever form it took, with God, was between God and myself and that it was none of her business to be involved in that, or to comment on it. I again reminded her that she was not to be talking religion with me, based on the rules she was living by (i.e. if she believed she was directed to shun me, she should also be following the direction not to talk religion with me).
Of course, it's gotten back to me that based on this comment, I'm now labelled an apostate. I told her that the WTS wasn't God. Who knew?
4. Finally, I told my sister my boundaries. She may be shunning me, based on rules given to her by the WTS, but I told her exactly what I would and wouldn't allow in my minimal dealings with her. Included were things like not berating me, expecting any more apologies for my decisions which have caused her hurt, allowing her to vent/dump her emotional baggage on me and walking away, and the like. I told her that until she could speak to me in a civilized and polite manner, that she need not speak to me. I reminded her that we all make choices in life, and these choices may affect other people. I reminded her that many JWs don't shun to the same degree she is, nor do they shun before they *have* to, which she did. I explained that those were her choices and that they affected and hurt me and I wasn't demanding an apology, as she kept doing from me over my decision to leave.
I think it was GaryBuss (I'm so bad with names and scrolling down doesn't get me there) that said shun them back. Just because they're shunning you, doesn't mean you have to play by those rules. I try to think of it this way: If this were an acquaintance what would my expectation be? Or if they were a friend? Just because they're family doesn't mean they have special leeway to treat you like garbage. In my case, I took a hard look at the relationship and decided that what I was compromising myself to keep wasn't worth the level of compromise I had to make. To remain in my sister's "good graces while she shunned me" was costing me more self-respect than she deserved to ask for. So I put my proverbial foot down.
I was loving, kind, and firm. I made comment on many of her good qualities, because she is my sister, I love her, and she's under the control of a cult...I don't want her to view me as the enemy, because some day she may need me to be there for her. However, I did what I needed to do to set the parameters for our relationship. If she can't live with that, then again that's her choice, not the disfellowshipping, not the religion, but HERS. I made that clear as well.
I hope it works out with you and your Mom. It's really frustrating, especially when they spout scripture as if you haven't heard it all before.