How many of you have kissed "Hanks" arse?
Many of you have seen this before, but many have not.
See if you know who hank and Karl represent. Many don't have a clue after reading this.
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
"Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
"Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
"Oh yes, all the time..."
"And has He given you a million dollars?"
"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
"So why don't you just leave town now?"
"You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
"Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
"My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
"Haven't you talked to her since then?"
"Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
"What's that got to do with Hank?"
"Hank has certain 'connections.'"
"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
"But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
"Then how do you kiss His ass?"
"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the desk of Karl
- Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list Himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
- Don't use alcohol.
- Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
- Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
"Hank didn't have any paper."
"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
"Of course, Hank dictated it."
"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
"How do you figure that?"
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
"What if I don't have a bun?"
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
"No relish? No Mustard?"
She looks positively stricken.
He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
"It's good! I eat it all the time."
He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
I dunno, who is it.
Haha. It's great.
... LOL ...
I love it.
Kissing Hank's Ass, Part 2:
Atheism - Hank doesn't have an ass to kiss.
Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think
you guys are just making him up!
Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing
outside of town. Take me off this list.
Christianity - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you
leave town. If you don't, He might kick the s*** out of you.
Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town. If you don't, He's going to kick the s*** out of
you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat wieners on buns, without
Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if He
feels like it. We think that if you kiss His ass you're more likely to get
the million, but it's completely up to Him. Oh, and He might kick the s***
out of you before He gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other
people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a
bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's
decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. By the way, we have old,
elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass.
Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass -- but you'll want
to, if you trust Him. If you don't trust Him, He's going to kick the s*** out
of you when you leave town. If you do trust Him, He'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town.
Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town He'll give you a
million dollars. Plus, if any of your relatives have already left town, He'll
give them a million dollars, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate
buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money.
Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when
you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If you don't kiss His
ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.
Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his list. If
you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank.
He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made
of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like.
New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but You've
forgotten it because of the trauma of Your Catholic upbringing. My new
workshop series will help You remember where You hid it.
Jehovah's Witnesses - Everybody in town should kiss Hank's ass, but only 144
are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we
think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the s*** out of anyone who
didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer, newer town. Here, have a
pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell
you why everyone else is kissing Hank's ass wrong.
Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal yourself of
this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to
enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you
be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and collect your million dollars when you leave
Pentecostals - Kiss Hank's ass as often as you possibly can. He'll give you a
million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach you a new language
or two before you leave town, as long as you don't mind garggle frunning
Presbyterians - You only have to kiss Hank's ass every now and then and it's
OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have bun-less wieners,
or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over do it.
Episcopal - Hank gives everyone money when they leave town. How much money
you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate buildings and sit,
stand, or kneel while kissing his ass.
Anglicanism - A while back, our mayor wanted to throw away his half-eaten
wiener and eat a different wiener, but still on a plain bun, no condiments.
Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and set up his own
elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass, and allowed himself and
others to eat other wieners (but still only one at a time.) We know, this
doesn't have much to do with Hank, but hey, if it's good enough for the
mayor, it's good enough for us.
Confucianism - Kiss the asses of your relatives who have left town, and
someday your progeny will kiss yours.
Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something important. We'd
tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.
Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If you
leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up
coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.
Buddhism - Hank left a million dollars in your house. You can find the
million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.
I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame.
Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park. You should take a hike and kiss
his ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank"
after you leave town, and then you can come back to the woods and the townies
will kiss your ass.
Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you answer this
question correctly, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get it
you won't want it. Would you like some tea?
Islam - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave
town. If you don't, He's going to kick the s*** out of you.
Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars
when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the s*** out of you,
and we might even make you leave town early.
Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass properly.
Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will never get a million
Shi'A Islam - A long time ago, Karl died. Then his father-in-law tried to
make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list and gave it to
her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick the s*** out of you.
Sunni Islam - Baloney. You know Karl's father-in-law's list is the real one,
and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the s*** out of you.
Neo Pagan - Get Hank to kiss your ass.
Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss your own
ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and then you can give
yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our
asses, we might kick the s*** out of you or sue you for having fun at our
Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early, and took
all their teachings with them -- secrets about Hank, His Girlfriend Barbara,
methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss
ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think weâ??re
on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite
different from others. Weâ??re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and
condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or
whether thereâ??s a million dollars outside of town.
Satanism - What the heck, kiss knaH's ass.
Heaven's Gate - Kiss Karl's ass, and -- oh, wait, Karl just saw Hank's limo
drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.
Amway - Do whatever you like with or without Hank, the important thing to
remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit people to kiss
your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough people kissing your ass
you'll get lots of money, and before you leave town even! Honest. Remember,
you must teach your ass kissers not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my
up-line, his-up-line all the way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must
be purchased from me.
Other - Explore Hank's ass in other ways. You'll be glad you did.
Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't give you a
million dollars even if you did. And if He's going to kick the s*** out of
anyone, it'll be here, in town.
Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people
named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your
million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are
discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.
Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing His ass, but
for some reason He left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well --
guess I'll smoke some weed.
Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble while he
was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. There's
a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is
certainly worth kissing, but you can only kiss it after you leave town.
Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million dollars.
Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll
all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh,
one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat wieners unless
they're on buns, without condiments.
Zoroastrianism - Don't bother kissing Hank's ass. Since our parents met Hank
before anybody else he's not interested in people (other than us) kissing his
ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning up the town someday, after he
gives away money and kicks some s*** out of people who leave town.
Unificationism - Hank went a little crazy after a gardening experiment went
bad, so one of his split personalities started the whole Kiss Hank's Ass
thing. Then a couple years later, another personality manifested Itself,
claiming He was Hank's son Chris. He got the s*** kicked out of Him and was
thrown out of town and said because He got thrown out you should kiss His ass
now. Then he gave Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to
treat each other real nice, He'll come back really soon and give everyone in
town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the meantime
because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town right now he
needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't free.
Deism - Hank helped build this town, but the list was entirely Karl's
creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants; Karl's
list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what Hank wants
unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't worry about the million
bucks until after you've left town.
That works good. It sounds new. Who composed it, you?
No, Satanus.....I think someone posted it here on JWD a while back maybe....I dunno. BUT! I saved it, cause it has value. LOL!
lol a golden oldie gumby, I wondered when hank would come out to kick a little ass again.