I Just Need Some Plain Old Help...
Well I'm with you on the No support for those who did wrong PERIOD (my son or not) Love yes but no extra support ... so where is the real difference ? I don't know for real ... I'm not in your shoes and it must be very inconfortable, I feel for you ... (but maybe you should avoid to talk about money when it's really about : I'm not granted, grow up !!! This is not what I've taught you, take your responsabilities or you will never change or grow nice and deserve what you get here (the money thing might not be well understood from him or some people ... and those are the words that could be misunderstood and might regret)
Take care. Stand on your ground (that's the real way to help him for good to change his bad ways). But the thing is that in jail everything can happen .... again : in jail everything can happen (even if he woke up - and realised that what he did was so so so "wrong" and that he deserve it = the puporse of jail) ... and if you're not supposed to be there at any time (how could you now anyway) you can still send him the minimum he needs and tell him that you'll be the one who would call every (whatever distant time you feel - and that he can call you when he really needs to and again that you are not granted). You'll be a good mother if he is a good son ... you want him to be at least someone who does not deserve to stay in jail and able as a real man to pay for his mistake like everyone who did wrong)
Of course again I'm not in your shoes and I hope you'll find your own ways to be supportive without him thinking that he can do whatever he wants and still get the attention he does not deserve at the precisse time he ask for it ... Take care ... really in fact I don't know what to say ...
I have no words of advice. But I will say that the one thing I DO appreciate about my parents was the consistency with which the rules were set. I knew there was no bucking the system successfully. Stick to your guns. He'll come around. Sounds like rules is exactly what he's needing - his dad didn't give them to him.
Oh and I've forget obout the BIG HUG .. you REALLY NEED IT ((((((((Country Girl)))))))) wish you well sweety take care ... of you (and still your son).
Reading the responses here has made me realize that I am NOT a crazy mother.. I just want the best for my son. He is the ONLY son I ever born out of my body, and I love him very much. I've learned taht he is a selfish spoiled brat and he needs to learn that everhone can't change their life just cuz he is a thug..
I am going to work on this.. thanks for helping me..
Lots of good advise given by the forum big sis.
I'm not to sure about this comment you made, I think the jury is still out on that one.
Reading the responses here has made me realize that I am NOT a crazy mother
One thing for sure is that your a loving mother put in a heart wrenching position, he's a lucky boy to have you and will realize it someday.
Hugs from Shotgun
wish I had some words of wisdom, Country Girl, but I believe my fellow posters have done that already. Just to say how i really feel for what you must be going though . They say that when someone goes to jail, the family gets punished as well. Of course you are right. ((((CG))))
heheh oh dear shotgun.. you guys make he cry.. I been crying all week since this happened.. but I must be some kinda immigrant throw back to cry THIS much just cuz a buncha people that I barely know actually took the time to comment on my thread.. <sob>.. However, they are the people that have cared about me over the years:> the JWD people.
I appreciate ALL of your comments, and just wanted to say that.. I am very grateful for them. They helped me alot. I am going to see my son tomorrow morning, and it most likely will be a little bit uncomfortable since I am not going to give in to his manipulations.. wish me good...
I'm sorry for whatever my son did to the public, he has been a very bad persoin over the last year and he has actually hurt many people.. God forgive him...
I hope that one day he realizes that he was actually the one that put himself there instead of me and his dad.. but who knows..
We'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best when you go tomorrow. Like my Gramma used to say---powder yer nose and put a smile on yer face and everything will go fine!
Seriously, stand your ground and be firm. I suppose you already know that----I'm just trying to be encouraging (sigh). It's a stinky situation---but YOU didn't cause it.
HI CG, SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR GRIEF AND THE ACTIONS OF YOUR SON.
I WILL TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT ONE OF MY SONS. WE HAD TWINS, NOT IDENTICAL BUT FRATERNAL TWINS.
THEY WERE BOTH RAISED TOGETHER AND I MADE THE SAME MISTAKES WITH BOTH AND THEY GREW UP TO BE TWO PEOPLE WITH OPPOSITE PERSONALITIES AND BEHAVIOUR.
ONE IS INTELLIGENT THE OTHER IS CONIVING. ONE IS SELF CENTERED AND THE OTHER IS KIND AND HELPFUL. ONE HAS NO CONSCIENCE AND THE OTHER DOES AND IS AWARE OF RIGHT AND WRONG.
ONE HAS NEVER HAD A RUN IN WITH THE LAW AND THE OTHER IS IN AND OUT OF JAIL. IN JAIL AT PRESENT. ONE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON OTHERS AND THE POLICE, BUT NEVER ON HIMSELF.
THE OTHER SELDOM HAS ANY PROBLEMS OTHER THAN THE USUAL THINGS WE ALL HAVE AND HE TAKES CARE OF THEM ON HIS OWN, NOT BLAMING OTHERS.
WHAT I AM TRYING TO PUT ACROSS TO YOU, IS THAT YOUR SON IS WHO HE IS. HE IS HIS OWN MAN.
YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BE BLAMING YOURSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS. HE DOES AS HE PLEASES AND NOW SUFFERS THE CONSEQUENCES.
YET HE WANTS OTHERS TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BOW TO HIS DEMANDS IN AN EFFORT TO EASE THE CONSEQUENCES.
NEXT WILL COME THE ANGER THE THREATS AND GUILT TRIPS HE WILL PUT ON YOU. YOU MAY BECOME HIS TARGET, THE ONE TO BLAME, SINCE YOU NO LONGER BOW TO HIS DEMANDS
IF HE WERE NOT YOUR SON, YOU WOULD AVOID CONTACT WITH SUCH A PERSON. YOU WOULD RECOGNIZE THEM AS A CRIMINAL. SOMEONE TO AVOID AND HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH.
MY CHILD IS NOW 32 YRS. OLD AND YES HE STILL BEHAVES LIKE A CHILD. THE CHILD I DESCRIBED ABOVE.
THERE MAY COME A TIME IN YOUR LIFE "AS HAS IN MINE" THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO DETACH FROM SUCH A PERSON.
FOR MY OWN GOOD AND PEACE OF MIND, I NO LONGER PURSUE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM. HE IS FORBIDDEN TO COME TO MY HOUSE UNLESS HE IS CLEAN AND SOBER AND RESPECTFUL.
HE FAILED TO BE RESPECTFUL AND I HAD HIM ARRESTED. NOW HE JUST STAYS AWAY, SINCE HE KNOWS THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.
IT IS VERY SAD THAT THESE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN BUT THEY DO.
I AM NOT SAYING, THIS IS WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO. I AM ONLY TELLING YOU ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO DO AND MAYBE THIS WILL BE OF SOME HELP TO YOU.
I NO LONGER ALLOW PEOPLE THAT BRING GRIEF, ANGER, SADNESS INTO MY LIFE, TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE.
I HOPE THINGS CHANGE FOR YOU AND YOUR SON. IT IS A SHAME TO SEE A SON IN CONSTANT TROUBLE AND A MOTHER IN CONSTANT GRIEF AND FEAR. FEAR FOR WHAT MAY HAPPEN TO THE SON.
CG, my heart goes out to you.
You said that he is a thug. Well, for now, anyway, he is acting like one. Doesn't mean he is going to stay that way.
I will tell you one thing that effected me. My ex was in jail for spousal abuse. I went to go visit him. As I stood in the waiting room there were tons of women NOT like me. They were very different and very gang-like. I was nervous being there. When it was my turn to see the sheriff and he asked the purspose of my visit, I told him. He gave me the riot act. He said that he was in jail for spousal abuse. He asked if I was stupid. He said he is in for a time out. He was incarcerated for PUNISHMENT. He suggested I go home. I did. Didn't go visit him anymore.
As co-dependants, we have to stop being that way. This is your time-out, too.