I Just Need Some Plain Old Help...
My son finally went to jail. He is awaiting his sentencing hearing in County on the 18th. He thinks I am a door mat. The kid that I used to know, with manners and courtesy has turned into a big old baby.. not good in Texas prisons. He calls me up.. calls are $5 a pop. He calls me at LEAST twenty times a day. I refuse most of his calls, and then he blames me and says that I am not there when he needs me because I am not at his beck and call. I said that I paid $33 for five 15 minute phone calls, and to space them out. He thinks just because he's in jail that we are all going to treat him like a baby even though he's 18. I didn't get him there, he chose to go there. He wants to do bad stuff, so you go to jail. He tries to blame it on me. he wants ME to go get his girlfriend and bring her to the jail and then take her home and come back to the ranch, a total round trip of 85 miles. Aint happenin. Amazing how selfish and self contained he is. I didn't TEACH him to be like that, but when he started messing up on our home rules.. like NOT selling dope outta our house, then he had to go back to his Dad's.. and his Dad let him run wild. I want to be supportive, but not let him treat me like a doormat.. I said I would pay for FIVE phone calls a month at $33, and then put $20 in his account for stuf like toothpaste, etc. Isn't that fair? I love this kid.. he's my only kid.. but I don't want to be taken for a free ride... his manipulations..
Is there anyone here with similar experiences I could relate to?
I think it is time he grows up and you definitely have the right attitude. When my son was locked up he very seldom called because all we would both do is cry, even going to see him on visiting days he asked me to make them seldom because of the strip searches. I think you have your son pegged right , if he wants these things from you he had better play by your rules . Your are right he did this to himself now he needs to grow up and take care of himself.
(((( CountryGirl )))) I recall your story from some time ago. You may want to link it up to this thread so newbies can read it.
I don't know what advice I can give you, except, having raised our oldest daughter, now 25, is that kids on the whole seem to be selfish, and act as if you owe them.
It's not until they are on their own for a while, and no longer have the comforts of home, that the reality factor kicks in. The 25 year old has matured to the point, where she has become very self dependant (living a 1000 miles from home) but when we do assist her (co-signing a car loan, and moving her to our auto-insurance policy) she is very apperciative, and thankful, and lets us know so.
Unfortunately our 14 yr old is now exhibiting the same traits, and our response will be no different. Tough Love. Respect and cooperation is a 2 way street, and if you don't follow that line of thought, don't ask me any favours.
I agree, he has to be held accountable for his own actions. You love him, but you can't let him walk on you either.
I said I would pay for FIVE phone calls a month at $33, and then put $20 in his account for stuf like toothpaste, etc
stand your ground.. you said that was what you would be able to handle, don't take any more calls than that. He'll learn to space them out.
Well, CG, I think our sons have some similar expectations.
I just posted this thread.
I wonder if I'm being selfish, too. I can easily look and see that I should say "yes" to more things than I do. Of course, the things I do say "yes" to are always seen as required... so no credit there.
((((((CG)))))) Far as I can see, the overall trouble is your son's understanding of himself as the center of the world. You can let a bunch of balloons loose from the same place and they will all go different directions. You didn't teach him these things, but it's amazing how myopic our hearts are.
If you are tired of the phone ringing, you might have to put a block on the number for awhile (unless the jail can prevent him from calling). Or unhook your phone; or let the answering machine take the call.
....BTW, what does he do in there all day? How long will he be in? My brother has a history of drugs and trouble, and was in jail for a time. These days he is drug-free and sober, and quite a responsible man. While he was in jail, I sent him a copy of "The Screwtape Letters", which he said he appreciated. (Letters from a Sr. devil to a jr. devil giving advice on how to ruin people.) It gave him some insights, I think... So, why not send a book that you think might give him another perspective?
((((((HUGS))))))) Yea, I know a little bit about how being blamed goes. It stinks.
I work in a prison, and the best way I've found to treat people like that is to do what you have promised to do, no more no less. You have to show that your still there for him by doing what you have promised to do, but if you give in and give him more he'll keep pushing and pushing and pushing trying to get more. I've seen it so many times in jail, and I deal with it by stating exactly what I will and won't do for them and not deviating from it exept under extreme circumstances. Everyone knows where they stand then and things move a lot more smoothly.
he wants ME to go get his girlfriend and bring her to the jail and then take her home and come back to the ranch, a total round trip of 85 miles.
How about compromising here, would it be possible for his girlfriend to meet you part of the way so that you didn't have to drive as far? And theres always the cost of it too, if you have to drive to see him you might not be able to afford to pay into his spends account each month, if it cuts into that he might stop asking you to do it for him...............
Hi there peeps..
Thanks for putting it into perspective for me. I aqm NOT obligated to pay for the obsessive phone calls, and I am not obligated to drive his girlfriend down to meet with him. Her parents don't CARE.. she's been sleeping with him since she was 14, and they let him live at their house. If she wants to see him, she can get her own way there. He has NO CLUE that the Texas Judicial System is going to eat his lunch when he goes to court on the 18th.. he actually thinks he is going to get by with what he's always getting by with: his beauty and charm. Not going to happen now. Even his own lawyer won't go get him out.. I miss my son.. but he's a thug I think...
It sure is hard being a parent, trying to teach our kids the right goals, and respect for us and others---and then when they decide that your rules are too restrictive (like not selling drugs or whatever) then they have to face the consequences of the very actions that we warned them about!
THEN they want pity and special treatment (like expensive phone calls anytime they feel like it) because they are now facing up to their well-deserved punishment!
I think you have a very balanced view of what you are now faced with yourself as a result of HIS messing up. You are not "abandoning him" and are helping out with the personal expenses---which is even far more than he has any "right" to expect! He didn't care a hoot about living up to your rules and simple expectations while living as a member of the family in your home---but now that he has to "do the time" for his actions---he expects YOU to be falling all over yourself to placate him.
If you don't continue to do exactly as you ARE doing, he will never learn the values that will allow him to grow and mature as a human being, and you'll be stuck with repetitive behavior forever. He's young enough to be trained and learn from this experience, and old enough to have known better.
You're taking this position BECAUSE you love him, not because you don't. Some day he'll recognize that. I think you're handling this situation just fine on all bases, CG!
I haven't been thru anything like your experience!!! WOW!!!
I want to give you suppport: You are a good mother and I believe you are doing the "right thing" with your son.
I know this must be a very stressful time in your life.....I feel bad that you are going thru this...
Wow CG, this is a tough one. But I do believe true love sometimes has to be tough. I know you would have done anything to keep your son out of prison, but that he ended up there anyway is about his choices. He chose his course, and there are consequences. That's life.
Be there for him, but on your terms. Be consistent, be patient, be loving and show him there are boundaries. Do what you think is fair, and then stick to it.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. ((CG))