I understand what you've said Kaethra
but I would like to know what Doodle-V thinks about what I've said, how she have been able to stand it, what keeps here from yelling ... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHUT UP, and WAKE UP at LEAST FOR THE NEXT ONE !
I'll be there for those who are expecting it as my beloved once : Also I've said : I've only meeting other(s) before of after IT that day. But it is not to hear what the JW's have to say. It will be to say goodbye my own way to the one in the box ... BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SURE I'LL BE ABLE GIVE MY GOODBYE IN A DECENT WAY.
I know me to some point ... And my deepest feeling is on the matter is ... Why should I have to hear what the JW's want to say about what they feel, when I can't say what I feel (do they loved my beloved once more than I do - is it a real respect to just say AMEN to what they have to say ... When I can't say what I feel ... do I have to hear them ? NO NO and NO, and more over if I can't take it)
I have the occasion to think about IT when my son was in the BAD POSITION (now out of trouble for good) And thought that I would not allow any of the JW to talk about anything if they actually would show up !
Also I didn't think I would be there long after his funeral anyway, caus' to get you a clue about how crazy I am when it comes to things I can't handle (like the loss of my unic son) being alone before and that special night Anthony had his 9 hours surgery for a femur, knee replacement and major muscles cuts, after already four months of chemo !!! In knowing that already to get out of trouble about his cancer he would have to get more than 4 month of chemo (he had 6 actually, and it was about it after those just 4 months) ... it was just impossible for him to stay alive without blood or at least part of blood transfusion !!!
What I did the night he got his surgery (I'm not proud of it, Just couldn't take it in a position when I couldn't take away his faith in knowing that he could die anyway with or without blood transfusion just because of for instance a septic choc !!! So that his faith could be a moral support till the end at least if the worse would happen ...)
What I did : Well ... I went dancing in the first night club I've found on my way, cold like an icecube, dancing crazy all night and got back to the hospital without going back home (which was very dangerous for my son, now that I think about it because of the bacterias), somehow I think that I felt responsible for the risk he took and his belief even if he was 16 and ready to die ! And just doing this crazy stuff would have been the thing I wouldn't have been able to forgive to myself ... I was somehow just giving me more reason to suicide if he had died !
That is where the JW'World lead even when you and your son are not baptised (and went the this conclusion just a few month ago (he is 22 now), he was not that much faithfull ... he never said it clearly to me (certainly to not make me feel guilty) but I know it now for good ... he was just thinking I was faithfull and needed to feel that we would be together again anyway ... also because he is the one who a little bit after his recovery gave me the most relevant arguments against the the god of the bible (not the WTBS . he just don't care !!! believe it or not) He was ready to die anyway FOR ME !!!.
The only good part of it is that when I got enough thinking of the lost of my babyboy about to bleed by his nose to death, is when I took a chance to say You've got the right to live ... you haven't made any promises ... take that blood, and to the doc do it anyway. Even in acting like so so "no" he gave me that look that I will never forget ... just like a discret ... "thanks mom"
You JW lurkers in that position : THINK ABOUT IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough said ... it's very painfull to remember that, it's terrible to realised that I've almost in not direct ways (in always having the feeling that something was more than wrong) killed my own unic son because he believed somehow that I believed for good ! and moreover in knowing that was ready to die just to make me feel good about the futur ... (how many kids did ?... And didn't have the chance to survive with so little chance to, in having waiting to long to have a blood transfusion)
As for my own funeral ... I don't care if anyone comes for myself ... but I think it may have an importance for my son, and that's the only reason why I hope he won't be alone that day ...