by doodle-v 34 Replies latest jw experiences
Doodle-v,
I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost a brother in 1986. It was devastating. I'm sorry that we share that kind of pain. Something good did come out of that nightmare. It was the same day I realized that I was living a lie. I'm glad you have a loving husband to stand by you and support you. Hang in there.
I understand what you've said Kaethra
but I would like to know what Doodle-V thinks about what I've said, how she have been able to stand it, what keeps here from yelling ... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHUT UP, and WAKE UP at LEAST FOR THE NEXT ONE !
I'll be there for those who are expecting it as my beloved once : Also I've said : I've only meeting other(s) before of after IT that day. But it is not to hear what the JW's have to say. It will be to say goodbye my own way to the one in the box ... BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SURE I'LL BE ABLE GIVE MY GOODBYE IN A DECENT WAY.
I know me to some point ... And my deepest feeling is on the matter is ... Why should I have to hear what the JW's want to say about what they feel, when I can't say what I feel (do they loved my beloved once more than I do - is it a real respect to just say AMEN to what they have to say ... When I can't say what I feel ... do I have to hear them ? NO NO and NO, and more over if I can't take it)
I have the occasion to think about IT when my son was in the BAD POSITION (now out of trouble for good) And thought that I would not allow any of the JW to talk about anything if they actually would show up !
Also I didn't think I would be there long after his funeral anyway, caus' to get you a clue about how crazy I am when it comes to things I can't handle (like the loss of my unic son) being alone before and that special night Anthony had his 9 hours surgery for a femur, knee replacement and major muscles cuts, after already four months of chemo !!! In knowing that already to get out of trouble about his cancer he would have to get more than 4 month of chemo (he had 6 actually, and it was about it after those just 4 months) ... it was just impossible for him to stay alive without blood or at least part of blood transfusion !!!
What I did the night he got his surgery (I'm not proud of it, Just couldn't take it in a position when I couldn't take away his faith in knowing that he could die anyway with or without blood transfusion just because of for instance a septic choc !!! So that his faith could be a moral support till the end at least if the worse would happen ...)
What I did : Well ... I went dancing in the first night club I've found on my way, cold like an icecube, dancing crazy all night and got back to the hospital without going back home (which was very dangerous for my son, now that I think about it because of the bacterias), somehow I think that I felt responsible for the risk he took and his belief even if he was 16 and ready to die ! And just doing this crazy stuff would have been the thing I wouldn't have been able to forgive to myself ... I was somehow just giving me more reason to suicide if he had died !
That is where the JW'World lead even when you and your son are not baptised (and went the this conclusion just a few month ago (he is 22 now), he was not that much faithfull ... he never said it clearly to me (certainly to not make me feel guilty) but I know it now for good ... he was just thinking I was faithfull and needed to feel that we would be together again anyway ... also because he is the one who a little bit after his recovery gave me the most relevant arguments against the the god of the bible (not the WTBS . he just don't care !!! believe it or not) He was ready to die anyway FOR ME !!!.
The only good part of it is that when I got enough thinking of the lost of my babyboy about to bleed by his nose to death, is when I took a chance to say You've got the right to live ... you haven't made any promises ... take that blood, and to the doc do it anyway. Even in acting like so so "no" he gave me that look that I will never forget ... just like a discret ... "thanks mom"
You JW lurkers in that position : THINK ABOUT IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough said ... it's very painfull to remember that, it's terrible to realised that I've almost in not direct ways (in always having the feeling that something was more than wrong) killed my own unic son because he believed somehow that I believed for good ! and moreover in knowing that was ready to die just to make me feel good about the futur ... (how many kids did ?... And didn't have the chance to survive with so little chance to, in having waiting to long to have a blood transfusion)
As for my own funeral ... I don't care if anyone comes for myself ... but I think it may have an importance for my son, and that's the only reason why I hope he won't be alone that day ...
Even in acting like so so "no" he gave me that look that I will never forget ... just like a discret ... "thanks mom"
this is as painfull as It made me feel good with hope and love ... (I don't really like to remember it ... cause It talks about how awfull the situation was) because the question is, Was he especting me to do that from the first day ? (he will never answer that question).
FBF - you are a beautiful, passionate woman...and I love that about you. Frequently however, I find it hard to understand what you are trying to say. I think I know what you mean here though:
Why should I have to hear what the JW's want to say about what they feel, when I can't say what I feel
Yes...I know. But I feel that if I go to the jw funeral of someone who died believing as a jw, it is my gift to them to sacrifice my feelings and pay them respect by being there...amongst their belief system.
I don't know if there is an afterlife. I'd like to think that there is...at least, in some ways. It scares me a little too.
When my brother's father-in-law died, his wife was next to him and she said he 'just opened his eyes so wide!!'...then he was gone. It was like he was surprised by something. I guess it would be a huge surprise to a faithful witness to see that white tunnel with all your loved ones who had previously passed. Even if it's just a delusion caused by the lack of oxygen to the brain, or whatever, I hope I get to experience that tunnel of light and love when it's my turn.
(((Doodle)))
Wow, I know that took a lot to write. As far as you commented it took you this long to write is for a reason: Painful memories are hard to deal with.
But with each word, I felt as if I were there with you. I am so sorry that you had to go thru what you did.
You see, I have seen death at an early age....my Mom died of cancer when I was 14. That was indeed a sad funeral.
It is sad when JW's turn the funeral into a witnessing event, it should be a memorial ABOUT the person who has died, a tribute to them.
I am glad that Jason was so helpful and kind to you...you got a good man there!
And yes, you guys are great hosts' for parties.....
You both love to entertain and you love having company and it shows...
Take care my little sister....
hugs,
Codeblue
You see, I have seen death at an early age....my Mom died of cancer when I was 14. That was indeed a sad funeral.
(((Codeblue))) I'm sure it was, death is hard to deal with at ANY age, but losing a parent so young... I can only imagine..
but I would like to know what Doodle-V thinks about what I've said, how she have been able to stand it, what keeps here from yelling ... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHUT UP, and WAKE UP at LEAST FOR THE NEXT ONE !
((((FBF)))
Yes part of me wanted to scream and yell and at the time I felt all kinds of emotions... most of it angst and anger. Standing there among all the singing JW's I was thinking "Am I the only that sees anything wrong with what went on here??"
I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost a brother in 1986. It was devastating. I'm sorry that we share that kind of pain
(((JB))) As am I
Czar.. you comment made me giggle, I can't stomach sitting through a Watchtower study either.
Farkel,
Writing about this made me relive it all over again.. But i think your right that in a way its helping the healing process somewhat..
That is truly disgusting and out-of-context for such an event, but wasn't even nearly as disgusting as something Fred Franz said we he gave a funeral talk.
Disgusted is how I felt... But I knew it was coming.
Thanks again guys, it's really cool to be able to hear from people who really understand.
-Doodle-V
Wow V, that was so well written. I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you so much for sharing with us. I look forward to part 2.
I knew I had seen that picture before.
Rachel
Doodle-V
I was away from JW.com around the time you went through your experience so I've just read your first post.
I'm deeply saddened by what you and your husband have gone through
I don't know you but I feel like I do
I hope writing about your experience gives you a good extension to channel your experience.
With sincerety....
- Preston
I am so sorry Doodle. How difficult for you. I am glad your husband is so loving and supportive of you.
((((((((V)))))))))) That's it, I'm kicking Guy in the ass and we're coming over tomorrow!!! I love you girl, I'm so sorry you've gone through this, it was a one-two punch, both "faith" and family. You are so strong to have gone through what you have, and still be the loving, wise, and wonderful person you are.
~Tamar
