Steven Wright, Very low key, monotone delivery, but one of my favs. His mind sees things differently than we do - for example:
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here's some more:
1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 . Half the people you know are below average.
4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 . The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.