Anyone else like comedian Stephen Wright?

by Makena1 13 Replies latest social humour

  • Makena1

    Steven Wright, Very low key, monotone delivery, but one of my favs. His mind sees things differently than we do - for example:

    I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

    Here's some more:

    1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 . Half the people you know are below average.

    4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

    20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 . The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on

    33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

  • ApagaLaLuz

    Stephen Wright is hysterical. 2 of my favorites are:

    "you know those pajamas with the feet in them? I just had the feet" and

    "you know how in the movies when someone reads a letter written by someone else and they read it in their head in the voice of the person that wrote it? That kills me"

    Thanks for shring those

  • Princess

    I love that guy! Do you ever listen to the 5 o'clock funny on 103.7 Mak? They play Stephen Wright a lot.

    Hey (not trying to hi-jack) are you and Sabine going to be around at Christmas? We have quite a party planned!

  • Leolaia

    I went to a show of his many years back. Pretty funny guy.

    I just went to see this other guy last Saturday. I think he's the funniest stand-up guy I've seen in a long time:

  • mrbarthoss

    Steven Wright rules!!! Recently, we got a new radio station here in the Kansas City area that is ALL comedy..........I am not sure if you have gotten "All Comedy Radio" in the Seattle area yet, but they feature Steven Wright fairly prominently - The problem with ElStevo, he does not tour that often....dagumit!!!!

    Anyway........he is THE MOST original comic out there, IMHO....and his genius stands up in written form, as your chosen quotes prove.

  • Badger

    Most people are afraid of heights...I'm afraid of widths...

    You know that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and almost fall back but you catch yourself? i feel like that all the time.

    Badger, of the "K-Billy's super sounds of the 70's" class.

  • willyloman

    Another vote for Stephen Wright, great comic!

    --My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

    --I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

  • Terry

    I once put a bowl of Instant Oatmeal in a microwave oven..........and went BACK in time!

    I once had a dog named Stay. I could never get him to come. "Come, Stay. Come, Stay"

    No matter where you go; there you are.

  • ignored_one

    I like Maria Bamford.


    Ignored One.

  • harleyquinn

    LOVE stephen fave bit is him on the plane next to the blonde asian chick who has a thing for jewish cowboys..'so, what's your name?' and he said 'bucky goldstein'....too funny!!

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