Warning! This is VERY long. Sorry, It got away from me.
I was not in control of my elders meetings at all. If I knew then what I know now, it would have been different. The thing is, I went to the elders for help in the first place. I told them I was having difficulty because I did not understand why the elders in NV ( I was in FL) would not DF my FIL for child molestation when they had so many witnesses against them. I told them that it was weakening my faith and that I desperatly needed a bible study. I felt it was my fault for losing faith. They would not allow a study with me because I was baptized ( = they were not able to count time) and that it was my husbands responsibility to study with me. I told them that he was not strong enough. One elder decided that he would come see us (he did not tell other elders he was doing this) and he came 2 times. I was asking him questions he could not answer. Most to do with the elders and WTS not dealing with abuse, but once I started seeing the lies they told about the situation with my FIL I started wondering about other teachings of theirs. He could not answer any of my questions and he suddenly just disappeared of the radar. I had become very sick around this time and I was being tested for heart defects and other things. I know now that it was the stress I was under that made me such a mess (high blood pressure, pnuemonia, peripherial nerve problems, along with female problems) so I missed a bunch of meetings. I told the elders that was why I was missing them but they did not seem to care. I never had a single witness check on me. I had been such a good JW. I attended and participated at every meeting, I was always in field service, even having aux pioneered for a while. I was one of those that never rebelled as a teenager. I had NEVER committed any sins that were of a DFing nature, so I felt safe going to the elders for help. After a while my husband confronted the elder that stopped coming over and told him how much it hurt that he had an appointment to see me and never came or called and it had now been over a month since we heard from him. When I would see him at the hall (when I could make it) he would avoid me. He apoligized and brought another brother to meet with me. They brought all this CRAP material about child abuse that was obviously written by some schmo who did not have a clue. They were focusing on the guilt a victim feels over being abused and how that can affect them. I kept trying to tell them that I did not have guilt over it but that the person who should feel guilty was getting away with it and the WTS was standing behind him!. They kept saying, well we are not there and we don't know why they are handling it way, but that I was not there either and I just had to have faith that there were things that I did not know and I would have to leave it in Jehovah's hands.
It was shortlty after this that my husband recieved a call from yet another elder who said that he and another elder were going to come see me and they needed to discuss charges of apostacy! I was BLOWN AWAY! I thought it had to be a nightmare. This was the religion I grew up in and I had NO intention of leaving. I just wanted help. I was feeling guilty about my doubts and the elders knew that. I NEVER discussed my doubts with anyone except my husband, my mother and a little with my friend who lived in TX and was never baptized. (her step-father was of the "annointed" and he had abused that whole family in every way) I felt she would understand me. She had been abused as well and she was the person I could talk to about it. They said that just talking to my mom (a pioneer) and my friend that I was commiting apostacy.
So the next evening they were at my house. My husband was by my side and I was a mess. I was crying andjust could not understand hat they were saying to me. All I could think of is that I was about to lose everyone. They determined at that meeting that if I talked again to ANYONE about my feelings regarding abuse or anything else I was feeling "weak" about that they would form a committee to DF me. Suddenly my doubts jumped a notch. I could not believe this was happening. These were elders that knew me for many, many years. These were men that I had respect for. They also made it clear to my husband that if he saw me communicating with anyone that he was obligated to tell them or he could be DFed too! ( they knew he had a strong conscience and he would feel obligated to tell) Even the courts don't do that! So the next morning I was online chatting with my friend in Texas and I told her about the meeting the night before. By this time I was getting angry. My husband walked in and I said "well I am talking to Chris. Are you going to go to the elders". He just stood there and looked like he was in shock. I thought he would cry. I love him very much and did not want this burden on him. He still believed (as I did at that point) that it was the "truth" and he did not want either of us to be DFed. I said "I'll tell you what, I want you to go to the elders about this. I will not be mad at you and I will not consider this your fault. I feel that they never should have put you in this position (making him feel he had to choose me or God) and I will not do that to you". So he called they elders and they scheduled a commitee for the next Wed. I then found out that my husband was scheduled to fly to NV to testify against his father and that he would be on stand by all that next week to go. I asked that they put off the meeting until he returned because if they were going to DF me I felt I needed him to be there for me. They said they could not delay such a pressing issue. I said then lets make it tomorrow.(sat morning) They agreed. I still was not too afraid because I felt once I was with all three elders and they heard what I had to say they would understand that I was not trying to be subversive, I just wanted help and answers. But I also did not trust them like I had before.
The next day, at the meeting the elders did not seem to care that I was crying and begging for help and forgivness. They said that I would have to agree with a bible study with them and agree not even to talk to my mom about my feelings. I told them That my mom raised me as a witness and she had more faith than ANYONE I knew. I said that I don't think asking her help and advice is apostacy. They said it was. I said then I must be guilty of it. I also said that I did not want to study with them. I asked if they could pick a sister or two because I would be more comfortable with a sister. I told them I already had an issue trusting men and that since this circus began I have an even bigger issue. They said NO. I said what if I study by myself for I while and I would keep them aware of how I was. They did not like that. I had to either study with them and agree to not speak to my mom and my friend about anything to do with the "truth" or I would be DFed. I could not agree. I was sobbing and was an uncontrollable mess. They decided to DF me. I was numb. They said I had the right to appeal if I did so within 7 days.
I did not do it right away. My son broke his arm and my husband was on standby to fly to NV and I was so sick. Then I found out that there would not be a meeting on the Thurs that I should have been announced DFed because of an assembly that weekend. I was mad because they rushed the elders meeting and they couldn't make the announcement anyway. Well after stewing for a while I "came to my senses" and wanted to have an appeal. They said it was too late because my 7 days were up. My husband went to a friend in another congergation who was a subsatute circuit overseer. He said that he could not get invloved because he would be seen as stepping on toes. What happened to one united brother-hood? But he said that If I make an appeal in writting and hand deliver it to the commitee forman that he HAD to comply because I actually had until the announcement was made to make an appeal. He said they just did not normally tell the brothers and sisters that. So I did it.
The circuit overseer was notified and he decided to have the appeal right away. He brought in 3 more elders that I did not know from another congergation for the appeal. I arrived on schedule at the kingdom hall. There were all 6 elders. They were meeting about me in the back room before I even arrived. That made me mad because I did not feel they should be talking about me without me being there to defend myself. It turned out to be a very long night. I had to tell the new elders the whole story. I had to talk about being sexually abused with these strangers. I was trying to get them to understand why I was so upset ovwer my FIL. The elders on my first commitee started lying about me! I was SHOCKED! They said that I said that I did not believe in God! they Also said that I said that God was a child molester! I asked how they can have it both ways. Either I believe in God and think he is a molester or I don't believe in him at all. I said that they can not use both lies because it did not make sense. This is also when my husband stood up for me. (he was allowed at both meetings because he was my head) He told the new elders that I had never said that and that those were lies. He told them his version of the story whcih was amazingly similar to mine. The elders asked that we leave the room. Thats when the fighting began. We could hear all of it. The new elders did not believe I should be DFed and my elders who knew me forever said that I was a danger to their congergation. My elders were yelling and getting all worked up. The other 3 I could barely hear. Then my 3 elders came out because the other 3 asked them to step out so they could talk. One of my elders came up to me, hugged me, said they all loved me and hoped it would all turn out good for me! This was the SAME man that just called me a danger to the congergation. I just stood there numb.
Well they finally came out and told us to go home, it was midnight now and they said they would not come to a decision that night. So we left. Our elder called in the morning and said that they had to write to the WTS for help with the decision. He said they would not write to DF or not DF but the would write either scriptures of Mercy meaning not to DF or scriptures of judgment and keeping the congergation clean which meant to DF.
That is when I decided to get online. For the 1st time ever I logged on to an "apostate" site. Freeminds.org.
While waiting for over a month to hear from the society the elders made one very upsetting visit to me and I decided I did not and could not go through it again. I sent a letter of DA. The elder that was trying to get me DFed asked me to wait to decide until the WTS letter was returned and he would tell me what it said and I could decide how it was to be read. The letter came back to DF me. I asked that It be read as a DA because I thought if it was a DF people would think I cheated on my husband. I don't know how they read it as my family was not there on the night it was read. But people still thought I cheated on my husband.
Funny thing is as soon as that day was over I felt a stone had been lifted from me. I felt better than I had in all my life. I felt that I was on the right track.
If I had it to do over It sure would have been different though. I would not have let them bully me and make me cry and beg for their mercy.....
