Bull,
I have always believed that the point of any funeral or memorial service is to comfort the living. Do what you must to comfort yourself and others. Make some real friends--those are the ones who will be with you in times of need. As we have learned the love shown by the Organization is conditional and based on your performance in the Organization. It is all very twisted and takes some sorting out. I am presently seeing a therapist to help me do so. It has been the best thing I could do besides opening up to people outside of the Organization. Friendships with non-JWs are not based on your performance for the Org and a lot less stressful. There are some great people in this world--those who are truly loving and kind and supportive--reach out and find them.
Much Love,
cybs