It seems millenia ago that homosexuals dared not declare that fact about them out loud for fear of being imprisoned, beaten to death or at least ostracized by society. True, some are still ostracized, some are still beaten but more and more they are simply becoming a part of the social fabric of families, communities and society as a whole.
Was it just 1969 that a handful of drag queens decided enough was enough and refused to meekly be led off to jail for the night simply for socializing with each other in a bar in New York City. I was 11 years old when that happened and was just beginning to understand that I myself was a homosexual. In 1973 I knew for sure and was terrified that any one else would find out. I suffered the abuse of my brother, my father, my schoolmates without response. Response would confirm their accusations. Foolishly, I was baptized that year, believing that would change me into a heterosexual. I prayed for that while sitting in Atlanta stadium listening to the baptism talk. I prayed it over and over again as I walked to the baptism pool. I actually prayed for it as I was being dunked under the water.
Throughout my teenage years I suffered alone and quietly. I was in love with a boy in my class named David. Being with him was agony, but I did not have the strength not to be with him every possible moment. Years later I saw David again and he admitted that he had known of my feelings. His mother told him. She was a smart woman. But how amazingly caring she was too, not to tell David to cut off my friendship or publicly humiliate me. Instead she welcomed me into their home, which for me was a haven away from my father's verbal abuse and my mother's constant guilt laying about anything that I did that did not have to do with activity at the Kingdom Hall. I will always be grateful for David and his Mom's kindness.
Then I went to Bethel, again convinced that wholesouled service would rid me of this terrible burden. Alas, once again, it was not to be. I fell in love again with a brother named Rick. He turned me in thinking that they would counsel me and help me, but instead I was dismissed from Bethel and returned home humiliated to my family and my congregation. I didn't give up. I started regular pioneering assuring myself that keeping busy in the work of the lord would deliver me. This time I actively sought out sisters to date. One, named Debbie, also a regular pioneer, fell in love with me. I was confused as I had no feelings for her, but desperately wanted to love her and live a "normal" life as a witness. The pressure on my 22 year old psyche was simply too much and I broke up with her in a brutish and unkind fashion. She represented my failure and I couldn't stand to be around her any longer. It broke her heart and I can only hope for forgiveness for doing that to her.
So, I left home to come out. It was 1981. It was the year that the scourge of AIDS among homosexuals was discovered and reported in the news. I was once again to crawl into my closet, terrified. For 7 more years I sought out sisters to date. Thinking that eventually the "right girl would come along." I ended up hurting and confusing more sweet girls. Each one making me feel guiltier and guiltier. Then in 1988 I dated a girl named Brenda who fell deeply in love with me. Braver than most she asked me one night why I never touched her and if I was homosexual. Yes, I admitted to her I was. The first person outside of a judicial committee to hear me utter those three words, "I am gay". She wanted to marry me anyway but I knew it simply could not be.
In May of 1988 I went to Key West where I had heard there were homosexuals (Like there weren't any in Jacksonville, Fla. ha ha). I kissed a man for the first time on May 25, 1988. He held me in his arms and I felt every nerve in my body come alive, for the first time in my life. I returned to Jacksonville and went to the elders to admit my sin and was disfellowshipped.
I moved to Atlanta where I met Mitch in March of 1989 and we have been together ever since.
I feel as though my life is a microcosm of what has happened with the gay community over the past 35 years. Slowly ever so slowly, we have demanded our humanity. Thats what human rights are you know, the right to be human. The right to have a job, to live where we want, to not be jailed for expressing our love, to be able to make known to our neighbors that we are a couple and now last but not least to be able to say in public that we are capable and desirous of committing ourselves to another person for life.
We indeed do not live as animals but as humans. Homosexual couples buy houses, get sick, have kids, have financial troubles, laugh with happiness when they find love and cry with sadness when they lose the ones they love just like heterosexual couples.
That 10 year old, 15 year old, 22 year old, 30 year old gay boy/man would never have thought he would see it in his lifetime.
This summer Mitch and I will go to New York. On the top of the agenda is to go to the location of the Stonewall bar and give thanks and homage to those brave drag queens who started it all a mere 35 years ago.
Pride festivals will start up in June and I imagine they will be some of the most spectacular even seen.