I've been reading the messages here for some time now, so decided it's about time I joined and said Hi!
Especially hi to "LittleToe" - Hope you're doing well. Luv ya Bro!!
Here's my sob story, and the reason for my general apathy towards religion, esp. JW's
I was dragged up as a witness, kicking and screaming for the most part, but occasionally trying to 'make the truth my own' so to speak by baptism, occasional attempts at pioneering... At 18 I had my first 'real' girlfiend (no, not a spelling mistake, I mean girlfiend!!) and things moved pretty quickly, including sex before marriage, lying to parents / elders etc. so that we could marry at the Kingdom Hall. Also there started to be some pretty terrible arguments (only verbal at this point). I felt trapped now though; I didn't like the way the relationship was deterioratting, didn't have the courage to to walk away, didn't feel I could talk to anyone about it because of the deceit that I had been a willing partner to. So, we were married 10 days after my 19th birthday.
Things deteriorated rapidly with our relationship, going from verbal to physical arguments. I called the police one night during a particularly nasty argument - I wanted to leave and cool down, but my partner had other plans, standing at the doorway with a kitchen knife, threatening me, and then herself. When the police arrived, they asked my wife if she wanted them to take ME to the cells for the night (I had a black eye, nose bleed, teeth marks and scratches on my arms - I had punched the wall and put my fist through it - there were no marks on my wife at all)!!!! At first, the physical arguments were all one sided - I'd take the abuse and then lash out at any inanimate object (our house looked like a war zone before long) but eventually I'd had enough, and I hit back. This had the biggest psychological affect on me, and my wife new that she'd won once I hit back. I quickly sank into depression, and tried to take my own life. I took 48 paracetomol tablets, washed down with whisky, and went to bed to die. I think it was the whisky that saved my life, as I was sick, so must have brought most of the tablets back up. I awoke in the morning with bloodshot eyes, yellow faced and little blood pinpricks all over. I stayed in the house for days, too embarrased to leave. (needless to say I'm not dead, and I've never had a headache since!! ;-) )
Things carried on pretty much the same for 2 years. We'd argue, fight, cry, resolve to ask for help from the elders, then the cycle started again. After another vicious argument, with the ensuing crying and heartfelt sorry's, I asked her why she would hit, scratch and kick me after an argument. Her answer ?? "Because if you hit me back, I know it hurts you". I asked why she wanted to hurt me, if she's supposed to love me? A shrug of her shoulders and more tears was all I got.
I went round to see an old ex-witness friend, had a few beers, and poured my heart out. As I was telling him of the all the accounts of violence, attempted suicide etc, this voice inside my head said "YOU HAVE A CHOICE. TO HELL WITH WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS". When I got home that night, I announced that I was leaving. She flew into a rage, but a calm had already descended on me, and I couldn't be provoked. When she was worn out, I explained the reasons why I wanted to leave, and we didn't argure for a week. Then, I left.
I got a call from the elders of my local congregation a few weeks later, and agreed to meet with them, thinking It would be a shepherding call, see if they could help, offer guidance, support - the sort of things elders are there for ? Shepherds of the flock ? There were three elders sat together, with my wife. They asked if I was willing to go back to her - to which I replied no, and gave my reasons why. They then told me I had to give her a maintenance payment then. I had already sought legal advice about this, as we had alot of debts from the marriage, which I took so that she could start afresh. Also, during the marriage, my wife was not working or claiming income support etc, so I had been the sole provider. I had left her everything apart from my clothes, and the beaten up old fiesta that we had (she couldn't drive anyway), and taken several thousand pounds of debt with me. Legally, I was not obliged to giver her anything, and could legally take 1/2 the goods in the home, giver her back 1/2 the debts, and still not be obliged to pay any maintenance. I told the elders of this, but they wouldn't listen - "I had a moral obligation to provide for her - the bible says so" was what I got. Then they started on about my association with someone who was disfellowshipped - and I shouldn't be seeing him. I was getting no assistance from any witnesses apart from my family and their friends - no one in the local congregation wanted anything to do with me because I had left my poor wife! In summary, they said that I was ignoring their counsel to return to my wife, else make a provision for her, and that I was a danger to the congregation, so they were going to disfellowship me. At this point I lost my composure, told them they could go F*** themselves and each other for all I cared, and walked out.
For someone who's whole life has been witness orientated, disfellowshipping is not a punishment, it is a sentence, and torture!! I had 2 friends left in the whole world that wanted anything to do with me! Obviously since then, I have built up a small circle of friends - I have many associates that I socialise with, but my friends I can count on one hand! Witnesses are proud of the saying "True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare, false friends are like common stones, found everywhere" - and how many of them proved themselves to be nothing more than pebbles! I had moved back in with my family - 'friends' would ask "where's **** going to live now then?" expecting my family to throw me on the street!! 'Friends' stopped coming round to see my Mum because she had an 'undesirable' living in her house! I eventually moved out, partly for my own reasons, but also because it was tearing my Mum apart, and I couldn't stand being the cause of her distress.
How's this for an uncaring person too - I could have easily got divorced on the grounds of "irrerversable breakdown of the relationship", at which point she wouldn't have been allowed to remarry - the only grounds for a witness divorce is adultery. Instead, I waited until I met someone else, slept with her, and rang my wife the following day to allow her to freely, and scripturally, divorce me.
Incidentally, some of these 'friends' have now suffered the same indignity of their own 'angelic' children being disfellowshipped and living at home, and my Mum has been there as a support to them, even though they practically shunned her. A true diamond, even if I am biased!
I know of an Elder that has literally blackmailed their daughter into staying as a witness - the has threatened to disinherit her if she leaves the organisation! Where is the shepherding there ? God gave us a free choice to serve him, so who is he to force compliance?
I am happy that there is a support group here for people to get in touch with others - I know my friend "Little Toe" got much needed support this way, and has built up an enormous circle of friends, visiting many people in other countries. As he put it "No one parties like a group of Ex Witnesses" I hope myself to join in with the partying some day!!
At this stage in my life, religiously speaking, I am still fairly jaded by the "shepherding with a rod of iron" that I received, but know there is a deeply spiritual side to me too. I help my wife (I am remarried now to an amazing woman), to write sermons and practice with her - she sometimes takes the local worship at the Baptist Chapel, next door to where we live. Someday I might even start looking to worship again - maybe even with the witnesses - who knows? All I know is that we don't need people to tell us what to think, say, do, watch or listen to.
Especially for anyone out there who's feeling trapped, scared of others opinions or stifled by their regulations.. "You have a choice. God gave you free will, Excercise that right!
Looking forward to joining in your discussions etc....
Me!!
P.s. I am short of cash right now so if you want to make a donation...... ((ONLY JOKING!!!) ;-) I have seen the comments made about other newbies contributions, and thought I'd register my protest at their treatment this way!)