Disfellowshipping versus Disassociation and Shunning

CeriseRose

To start off, I'm not sure if what I have to say is a question or a comment. I disassociated myself at the end of January. It was announced 2 weeks ago. I am being shunned by my blood sister, her husband, inlaws, and my friends here (a truly pitiful number that I would consider "true" friends). I have a 'worldly' boyfriend, one whom I started seeing last August. By then I was already 'gone' in my heart, I just hadn't made it official. Part of that was from fear of shunning, which I knew would happen, and like most other bad things in life, I was actively ignoring/putting off. The other part was because I hadn't reconciled myself in my heart to having broken my vow to Jehovah to serve him 'wholeheartedly'. When I had and when living the so-called "double life" became too much, as well as a healthy dose of pushing from my sis, I finally made it official. I've felt relieved ever since.

So all that being said, I chose to disassociate myself. During my time as a JW, I always understood DA to be the road taken when someone had done wrong but wanted out before they got caught. I didn't really see a difference between DFd and DAd from a 'sin' point of view (which is, essentially how the WTBTS wants is apparently). Now I do understand a difference, that a person can choose to fade or to DA and have done nothing wrong. Understanding, however doesn't make me feel settled.

How can I be classified as 'bad' or 'wrong', when I didn't do anything 'wrong' that was at the level of serious sin? I dated outside the faith, which, to my knowledge, is not grounds for disfellowshipping. Yet I am shunned the same way an 'unrepentant sinner' is. (And please understand, I'm not speaking out of the words of my own heart, as it were, but from the point of view of the JWs.) I'm having trouble grasping that the same course of treatment is handled for both. What about people who just want to leave the religion 'just because'? There's nothing they've 'done', they just don't want to do it anymore. I mean other religions, you can leave and are not shunned.

I guess maybe this isn't a question, since I already know that answer. That it's their defect, their attitude problem, part of the cult mentality, and control. I guess it is just hitting me that shunning really is a completely unloving and uncaring act. I was reading on a new person's post and the comments came up from someone about how it is Pavlovian response and an act of self-righteousness and superior piety (I may not have the exact words, going by memory, but I hope I have the gist). It makes sense to me. I guess I just feel really unsettled.

And I really miss my sister.

Poztate

I guess it is just hitting me that shunning really is a completely unloving and uncaring act

It is really a question of control. Once you have signed up you are in for life.You can never leave. To be DF'ed or DA'ed doesn't end their control of your life. They control your friends and family.They can and will try to punish you by their control of others.

I know of a case where the person was DF'ed over 50 years ago.The person went on to lead a happy and productive life...except family members still shun them after all these years.I can think of no other religion that is so unloving and uncaring as them.

Even if you tried to quietly fade away you would have to keep looking over your shoulder for years to come in case some one caught you doing something against their rules.

Most religions if you no longer wanted to be associated with them would just take you off their membership rolls.They might even wish you success in the future.They would not practice the vendictive,controlling shunning of the WT.

The WT in many ways reminds me more of a bunch of Nazi's than god's chosen people. They will never change as fear and not love is the only thing holding this org together.

POZ.

Gretchen956

Actually when I left 12 years ago, if you DA'd they considered you automatically an apostate, which, of course is the worst sin of all.

Even if you tried to quietly fade away you would have to keep looking over your shoulder for years to come in case some one caught you doing something against their rules.

That really isn't how its worked for me at all. In my case I don't believe in giving them any power. They are a bunch of old men playing god and I don't want to play anymore. If I asked them to be disfellowshipped I would be recognizing them as having some type of authority to pass that judgement on me. If I sent in the letter disassociating myself I believe I would be doing the same thing. I refuse to recognize they have any kind of power, its ridiculous. Whatever they may do to me in abstentia is totally meaningless to me, has no bearing at all.

Gretchen

talesin

When I left, it was just a natural fading away. I had never heard of this term 'fading', nor did I know any other exJWs.

After almost 3 years of being normal, living my life, the elders came after me. They asked me to attend a JC so I went. They questioned me about my life, I was honest, they DFd me. There was no reason for them to do this, as I was just quietly leading my life, not bothering anyone. It was all about punishment, control and revenge. So now, I am actively shunned by all except my parents. My father 'stepped down' a few years ago, he won't say why, but I think it probably had to do with our relationship. I am proud of him for choosing 'me' over 'them'!!! It is one small act of defiance after a lifetime of servitude, imo.

If they want to 'get' you, they will. It all depends, imho, on how they see your 'defection'. Will it have an impact on the 'congregation'? Is your family 'strong in the Lie'? Were you a well-known Witless? May others be tempted to question the status quo because they really thought highly of you and they wonder why you left?

I'm sorry about your sister ... it's hard for me to relate as my brother treated me like crap before I left the JW, but I would imagine that a REAL brother/sister would be among the hardest to lose.

Here's a hug

Your feelings are natural and there is a process to grieving. It will get better **I promise**. :) :)

talesin

CeriseRose

You know if it weren't for my sister, I probably would have just stopped going all together and no one would have looked twice. The vast majority of the cong.didn't support me emotionally or spiritually, and the two or three people who did, were still doing so whether or not I could make meetings.

I guess the reason I DA'd was because for me it was action. I've felt like the passive victim at the mercy of others and situations for so long, this was a stand I could make on my own terms. I was tired of my sister alternating emotional support and blackmail and requiring me to account for myself, as if I owed her that validation. I love my sister, more than anything, but I can't live my life to make hers perfect. I told her as much.

I can totally understand the feeling that one doesn't need to make a stand, because it releases you from the control of the WT boys. For me, I didn't see it that way. But then, I never thought of just fading away...mind you with the boyfriend, I'm sure someone somewhere would have had their panties in a bunch over it and gone the JC route.

I'm just amazed that only 2 months out, things are so clearly wrong in that org. and I couldn't even see it while in. Boggles the mind.

CeriseRose

And I hit send before I finished. Thank you for your responses and hugs and reminder that things get better. *hugs back*

shotgun

Big hugs back and I sent you a PM

Things will get better...slowly...

flower

Contrary to the what the Watchtower org would have the public believe, shunning is not something that is done only to 'unrepentant sinners'.

Shunning is done to ANYONE who choses to leave the organization for any reason. Whether they have DA'd or been DF'd or simply stopped associating. In fact, my brother was never even baptized and simply decided not to be a witness when he was old enough to choose and he is shunned by all just as if he was baptized and df'd.

The org would like people to believe that they only shun certain people but that is a bold faced lie and they know it.

ANYONE who has been associated with the organization and then decides to no longer be associated with it will likely be shunned by most who knew them. It doesnt even matter if they were just a long time 'study'. Anyone who knows the 'truth' and chooses not to be a part of it is dangerous and therefore fair game for shunning.

I'm sorry that you had to find that out the hard way but you DID make the right decision by leaving and you will get used to the shunning and realize that it is not your fault.

Their god is not real and isnt unhappy with you. Have you read Crisis of Conscience?

flower

CeriseRose

Oh, yes. I read that in 2 days. I was, shocked, to say the least. I have the other book by Ray Franz but haven't had the time to read it. Right now I don't know what I believe about god and religion. I just know that I'm in a time of anniversary feelings over my Mom's death and that this year I've lost my sis too. It just feels...wrong. *hugs* Thanks for responding. I had NO idea that even long-term studies and non-baptized associates were treated like this. I thought it was just baptized. *continues to boggle at all the things that were hidden*

talesin

{{{{{{{CeriseRose}}}}}}}

Disfellowshipping versus Disassociation and Shunning

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