Two words: Fresh Donuts.
A Program For Jehovah's Witness Growth
by SixofNine 59 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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gitasatsangha
Two More Words: Liturgical Dancing.
Yeahhhh
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City Fan
How about setting a new date, not actually written anywhere, just implied, say like 2034??
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gitasatsangha
Giant lit-up waving Jehovah statues at each hall. It would be kindof like Las Vegas.
Make everyone dress in gaudy "Drama" costumes.
Stoning (with a bong) to replace disfellowshipping based on new interpretations of the bible.
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Nathan Natas
Krispy Kreme, watch out!
suggested presentation:
"Good morning.
My companion and I stopped by this morning to share some of our delicious fresh hot donuts with you - here, smell them - (let the householder smell the donuts) while we talk to you about the immanent death of 99.99% of the world's population.
(Take a bite out of yor donut)
(Speak with mouth full) Wouldn't you like a fresh hot donut right now? (swallow masticated donut)
You know, God promises us a never ending supply of fresh hot donuts in the Paradise that he will soon bring to this earth.
Wouldn't you agree that an endless supply of free fresh hot donuts would be satisfying?
(pause for affirmative reply)
...and of course, these donuts would be completely blood free, not like the bloody cold stale donuts served up by the Catholic Church, cooked in morbid animal fat. Jehovah's Donuts are cooked in healthy fresh vegetable oil..."
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Nosferatu
JW swimsuit fashion shows at the KH.
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hillary_step
How about a sustained campaign, say for 100 years, declaring that adherents are not good enough, not working hard enough and that they need to exhaust themselves in the 'preaching work' ( read - "recruitment work" ) before God will accept their paltry little existence as having any validity.
Hold on....that one has already been tried...... Of course if they executed two inactive people in each congregation around the world in a very sticky way, say, forcing them listed to Rod Stewart crooning Cole Porter until their spleens burst, that should 'encourage' the rest of the sheep to 'keep their eyes on the prize'.
HS
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imallgrowedup
LOL @ Nathan!!!
How about:
9. Lobby governments in foreign countries to open up and expand the market. Oh, that's right, the WT is already doing that!
10. Get affiliated with the UN as an NGO to gain more political power. Oh, that's right! Been there, done that. Will probably get caught unless.......
11. Change official name of WT and bury it within several corporations to get re-aligned with the UN for political clout.
12. Admit the WT screwed up. Oh! That can't happen because the WT has never screwed up!
13. New motto: Don't do as we do, do as we say!
14. Have a fun-filled ceremony with really loud music and a very bright flash of light which renders the attendees deaf and blind.
15. Chain Witness children to the seats of the Kingdom Hall for life.
16. Lobby to submit legislation to ban all forms of mass communication, including television, radio, newspapers, and the internet to ensure no apostate information taints the believers.
17. Lobby to lower the required education level to 6th grade.
18. Easiest idea: Double all attendance numbers and hope no one notices.
growedup
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Elsewhere
Maybe they could install a Dance Pole on the stage for the sisters to use while give their demonstrations.
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blondie
The only time I have seen growth is where a date for the end was set.
1914 for Armagddeon
1925 for Armageddon
WW2 for Armageddon
1975 for Armageddon
1984, 1994 for Armageddon (generation 70 or 80 years)
1995 generation debunked
growth only in areas where totalitarian gov'ts fell
The market has been saturated folks...and the Chicken Little, the sky is falling approach is getting old.
Characters
- Narrator
- Chicken Little
- Henny Penny
- Ducky Lucky
- Goosey Loosey
- Turkey Lurkey
- Villain: Foxy Loxy
Chicken Little: "Help! Help! The sky is falling! I have to go tell the king!"
Narrator: So she ran in great fright to tell the king. Along the way she met Henny Penny.
Henny Penny: "Where are you going, Chicken Little?"
Chicken Little: "Oh, help! The sky is falling!"
Henny Penny: "How do you know?"
Chicken Little: "I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
Henny Penny: "This is terrible, just terrible! We'd better hurry up."
Narrator: So they both ran away as fast as they could. Soon they met Ducky Lucky.
Ducky Lucky: "Where are you going, Chicken Little and Henny Penny?"
Chicken Little & Henny Penny: "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We're going to tell the king!"
Ducky Lucky: "How do you know?"
Chicken Little: "I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head."
Ducky Lucky: "Oh dear, oh dear! We'd better run!"
Goosey Loosey "Hello there. Where are you all going in such a hurry?"
Chicken Little: "We're running for our lives!"
Henny Penny: "The sky is falling!"
Ducky Lucky: "And we're running to tell the king!"
Goosey Loosey: "How do you know the sky is falling?"
Chicken Little: "I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
Goosey Loosey: "Goodness! Then I'd better run with you."
Turkey Lurkey: "Hello there, Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky, and Goosey Loosey. Where are you all going in such a hurry?"
Chicken Little: "Help! Help!"
Henny Penny: "We're running for our lives!"
Ducky Lucky: "The sky is falling!"
Goosey Loosey: "And we're running to tell the king!"
Turkey Lurkey: "How do you know the sky is falling?"
Chicken Little: "I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
Turkey Lurkey: "Oh dear! I always suspected the sky would fall someday. I'd better run with you."
Narrator: So they ran with all their might, until they met Foxy Loxy.
Foxy Loxy: "Well, well. Where are you rushing on such a fine day?"
Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey, Turkey Lurkey (together) "Help! Help!" It's not a fine day at all. The sky is falling, and we're running to tell the king!"
Foxy Loxy: "How do you know the sky is falling?"
Chicken Little: "I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
Foxy Loxy: "I see. Well then, follow me, and I'll show you the way to the king."
Narrator: So Foxy Loxy led Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey, and Turkey Lurkey across a field and through the woods. He led them straight to his den, and they never saw the king to tell him that the sky is falling.