Alone and Lost. Please help me understand.

by Amy in PA 45 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Robdar

  Amy, you said some things in your post that just don't make sense to me. So, if you don't mind, I am going to point some of these out and make my own remarks (in red). I will not offer you any more advice since you are not ready to hear that you are being chumped but I do want to ask you some questions. You will probably not appreciate my tone....You said:

  Some time after this, I fell in love with a married man, a JW. We had been friends for years , having many things in common.... The love between us brought us both happiness and we talked many times about the day we would be married. I always believed we could manage this. I am now finding out more about the JW beliefs (scriptural divorce) and I am afraid...My JW man has not been involved with his Kingdom Hall for a long time but I feel he is leaning towards becoming active again.

  This guy is not acting like he is your "JW man", is he? Why did he suddenly change his mind? He wasn't active for years and now he is suddenly ready to go back to the Hall? How convenient--for him. He wanted to marry you for years and is now balking? If you knew him so well, why hadn't he already told you about how the witnesses feel about divorce? Why did he keep you hanging on?

  He says he cannot divorce his wife, though he'd like to.

  That's bullshit and you know it.

  He says he could not ever get a scriptural divorce.

  More BS and you know it.

  It is weighing him down that he has had an affair, even though he believes we are right for each other.

  If he really feels that you are right for each other, what's he waiting for? Why hasn't he left his wife?

  He has broken off contact with me, even though we have been in love with each other for many years now.

  If he loves you so much, why did he break off contact? Why did he choose his wife over you?

  This is killing him as much as it is killing me. He did not want to give me up.

  So why did he say goodbye if it's killing him?

  Saying goodbye to the person you love is devastating.

  Yes it is devasting. So, why isn't he more devasted? Seems to me that YOU are the only one devasted in the relationship.

  I do not want or deserve approval for having an affair with him. I am a Christian. I know it is wrong. But love happened and it is something that cannot be turned off once it is in your heart.

  Oh please, are you a teenager?

  I suppose my real purpose to post here is to find out if there are any other reasons to get a scriptural divorce? Doesn't it matter that his wife and my husband both left the marriages unattended when they chose to love booze more than they loved us? Isn't this abuse when the sober party has to constantly take care of a drunk?

  We all get what we deserve or settle for. How can it be abuse when the "injured" party decides to put up with it?

  I don't know if I should have posted this or not. I only want some help. I don't know where to go. Thank you

  Again, I have to say, we all get what we deserve or what we will settle for. Why do you think that you deserve this?
• 

  wednesday

  Amy it is pure BS that he can't get a divorce. Think about it,he's had an affair with u, therby breaking his marriage vows. that is basis for scriptual/legal divorce. If he told his wife, what do u think she'd do? What would the elders do? Well lets hope she has the self esteem to dump his arse, and i'm pretty sure the elders would DF due to the longstanding nature of this.so he must just be afraid of getting DF. The truth is, they have basis to DF him whether he stays with his wife or not. He's committed adultry. That is a DF'ing offense. They can DF him even if his wife forgives and he stays with her. So it sounds like he's opting for not telling her or the elders, b/c if he really wanted a divorce, he could be at your home with u right now. JWS are supposed to confess their sins to the elders and if he doesn't he's deceiving both his wife and God, per his religion.So he isn't following his religion at all. Which takes his religion right out of this, he's just a guy whose had a long standing affair and now sees he might have to face the consquences of his actions.

  Bottom line, they are going to DF him, whether he stays with his wife or goes to u.(if he admits to the adultry that is) Now, faced with that, where should he be tonight? He should be with u. But he's not, he's with his wife and she probably does not know he even did this. If he would not tell his wife this, what secrets could he be keeping from u?
• 

  Sentinel

  Hi Amy and Welcome. From what information you posted, it seems to me that as nice as "Mr Right" seems to be, he is having his cake and eating it too.

  His wife has every right to divorce him on grounds of adultery. If he wanted out, all he has to do is explain to her that he has been having this ongoing affair with you and that he doesn't love her anymore. She'd head right to the brothers and they would call him in and probably disfellowship him, giving her the right to seek a divorce. He would then have his freedom.

  I think your man is confused about who he really loves. The JW influence is not helping matters, because you don't know that much, other than what he has been telling you.

  Sad to say, I think you are the one who will have to finally cut the ties with him and move on with your life. He has way too much going on right now, and he hasn't been truthful with you.

  I wish you success and hope that this site will help you get a clearer picture of "him".

  Take Care,

  Karen
• 

  Puternut

  Welcome to the board. You are having a lot on your plate.

  A few corrections here. IF you guys had relations, that doesn't mean that he is scripturally free. She is the one that decides if she wants to take him back, by forgiving him, or reject him. IF she rejects him, he is free. I have known of cases where there was adultry involved, and the innocent mate did forgive, but the guilty didn't want to get back together. According to the WT standards, that made the guilty one, having an unscriptural relationship. Bear in mind, this is THEIR thinking.

  But this man is haunted by the WT's thinking and will be guilt ridden for the rest of his life. RUN as fast as you can, if he cannot decide he wants you. It's going to be hard, but the longer you are in the relationship, the harder it will be. You don't deserve that, and you are making it harder on yourself.

  If he's really interested in you, than he will do WHATEVER it takes to be with you. His actions will speak louder than words !

  Puternut
• 

  Amy in PA

  There are many circumstances here that I did not post in the background info. One of them is that his wife is not "just" a drunk. There are multiple problems going on with other addictions and health issues. She lives in a drugged state (her choice), not capable of making decisions and not capable of taking care of her own needs. She can barely get from her bed to the bathroom. She needs to be placed in an institution. He respects her as the mother of his children and he has taken care of her for more than a decade in this condition. Their marriage has been long dead. I also feel he has been recently targeted to be pulled back to the KH and this has triggered even more guilt in him. My thinking now is that I need to decide if I should buy those running shoes or not. I?m scared, that?s a fact.

  Robdar: The only thing I took exception to was your asking me if I was a teenager. That was demeaning and flippant. I understand that I did not give you complete information on which to base your response. Please realize, I was totally lost when I made my first post. I do not regret coming here because many of the posts have given me a stronger base to pull from. I know absolutely zero about JWs. I am just now pulling it all together. So give me a break, girl.

  wednesday: I didn't realize until yesterday what the problem might be here...it's the DF'd issue and that he would lose contact with his children. I have not had an opportunity to bring up any of these things with him, but I plan to the next time I see him.

  Puternut: You?re correct in saying he is haunted and guilty ridden. All of this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for your input.
• 

  flower

  Amy, not only may he lose contact with his children, but if he is a long time witness everyone he has called a friend would treat him as if he was dead if he got disfellowshipped. That is a big deal and something that is probably stressing him a great deal as well.

  I dont doubt that your friend may have gotten involved with you for love and because he was unhappy in his own home with his wife. But unless he leaves the JW's this cant ever be what you want it to be. EVEN if he leaves. He needs to leave the beliefs behind or they will always haunt him and destroy your relationship...trust me. So you have to think about yourself for just a second hon. Is this the life you want for yourself? Or is it possible that you can let go and move on to something more healthy for you emotionally and mentally?

  My suggestion...find out all you can about this 'religion', be honest with him about what you learn that concern you, if he will not hear anything about what you have learned then he is not ready to be free and you need to move on. No matter how hard that is you will be better off.

  flower