Please Help Me !!!! Desperate !!!!

by Puternut 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • Puternut

    I am in serious need of some direction. For those of you are df'd and have children in the borg, I am going through a crisis.

    I have two daughters 19 and 17 years of age and I was privileged to have met with them last night for about an hour. I haven't seen them for about 7 months, and was able to convince them to meet with me. I labeled it 'necessary family business'. We have some healing to do since I am divorced and they are taking the brunt of this. I feel horrible about the fact that their lives are upheaveled, and I know they are hurting as well. Divorce has a major impact on children, and I hurt with them. The thing that is most painful is the fact that I am df'd and they are indoctrinated with their beliefs from the organization. Since I am df'd, the organization labels me as a bad person, that you cannot have contact with. Out of respect for their conscienses, I have not forced the issue of visitation. I feel that I need to be careful not to make them feel uncomfortable. But I am not df'd from my children, and I am not divorced from them.

    I need to help them to repair the broken family relationship, and since it will never be the same as they were accustumed to, we need to rebuild on what we currently have. Since I have limited visits, what can I do to repair that? They feel there is no repairing, unless I get reinstated, and therefore don't really care to visit with me. This is not my intention, since I know too much about all that I have learned about the borg, and feel betrayed. How can I help them to see that though I am df'd, I am still their father and we cannot let stand in their way, the conditions about reinstatement. I know they miss me, and they want a father in their lives.

    I miss them, and I don't want a chasm in our lives, just because I have a different understanding regarding my beliefs. I also respect theirs and don't want to shatter their beliefs, with what I have found out. What have some of you done in this regard? What suggestions can you give me? What have you found to be effective?

    Can you please give me some direction? This is all new to me.


  • imallgrowedup


    I really wish I could help you with this. I haven't gone through something like this. The best thing I can recommend is to plan activities that they enjoy doing - and set-up ground rules about no religious conversations. I hope that would help ease the tension.


  • codeblue


    How about showing them from your elders book the Official view of how to treat a df'd close relative:

    Amazing made a thread on this topic: A Secret of Df'ing that Elders Will Not Tell You (Sept.14, 2003):

    Paying Attention to the Flock: Unit 5A:

    "Normally, a close relative would not be disfellowshipped for associating with a disfellowshipped person unless there is spiritual association of an effort made to justify or excuse the wrongful course."

    You have that book ...use it to your advantage!

    I hope this info helps ( I have never been df'd. Mr. CB was df'd but his kids didn't care about the df'ding and his daughter was baptized at 10)


  • Galimo


    that sounds like a tough one, and i have no answer nor advice

    Them being 19 and 17 and you being their father, it might as well be that they just wish to keep their distance as young people like to do from their parents, in that case there is little you can do. As far as i remember when I was a JW, the family of a disfellowed one was by no means "forbidden" to have contacts, family ties remain.

  • shotgun

    Hi Puternut...this has been a terrible year for you..take it slow.

    The best advice can be found in Amazing's exit strategy in which he liberated his whole family. I think it's on the freeminds website as well..I took a quick look but could not find it. If you pm amazing he might know where it is.


  • Tashawaa


    I can't speak to you from a peer position (as in df'd, divorced w kids) but I can speak to you from being the JW daughter that had a df'd father.

    I was a diehart JW and unlike your daughters, was not overly hurt by my parents divorce. My dad was df'd and it was about a year before we had our first visit with him. I had anger and resentment, but we landed up spending a full day with him. He pulled out a smoke, which shocked me initially. But he talked to us about how he was, what he was doing - made it fun. I tried in some respects to "spoil" it, but he didn't allow any of my behavior or comments to affect him. Over the years he stayed constant in who he was. He always showed us love and never talked down about mom or the religion. I remember once I said something negative about mom to him and he told me to never talk bad about my mother (in a rarely heard harsh tone). It impressed me, because she never held back from dissin' him.

    I love my dad, and I'm "out"... unfortunately, I don't have him anymore (too long and too sad a story)... but I can give you this advice:

    Love your daughters unconditionally. Without condition. Tell them that. It will seem funny at first and they may not accept it as love (after all, God loves conditionally) - but it will stick in their minds and they will love you the same way.

    Do not talk bad about their mother or allow them to in your presence. Trust me - this will impress them with your love.

    I would recommend not talking bad or adding doubts about the Society. You do not want to be viewed as a "spiritual endangerment". If your daughters bring up points, encourage it or affirm their thoughts, but do not start it. Just be there to support their thinking. That way either way (they stay JWs or leave) you can have a relationship with them.

    From your previous posts it sounds like you are in the first stages of re-establishing your relationship with your daughters. Be patient and hard-as-it-may-be don't push it. It will take time, just make good use of the time you get with them.

    Anyhow, this is just my experience of what worked for me from a daughter's point of view. I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry for your situation. It will work out in the end.

  • franklin J
    franklin J

    I did not go through an experience like this, and I cannot offer any personal advice.

    I do agree with Tashawaas post on "unconditional love". Also, I would suggest some "family" counseling. A third party, who is neutral, may help direct and channel the girls confusion. In my case, therapy was very helpful.

    good luck,

    we are here for you


  • ThiChi

    Look, realistically, if they are truly faithful to the Organization, then you only have one choice. Go back.

    Do you love them more than anything else in the world? Even yourself? Then get reinstated and mend your ways with them. Once reinstated, they can?t force you to do half the crazy stuff a Dub should do....

    The reality is that this is the only way for even consideration of fellowship with the ones you love. Notwithstanding, if you are the responsible person for breaking up the family, then other "efforts" must be considered beyond re-instatement.

  • Tashawaa

    I disagree with Thi Chi...

    Realistically - "bend over and take it up the backside" is the only way to have a relationship with your daughters????

    You are teaching your daughters, through your example, what type of people they need to be. They need to be themselves. If you TRULY believe you have left "the truth" and the JW's are the right religion and you WANT to go back, by all means go. Thats being true to yourself and your beliefs.

    But to compromise yourself for a cult, would do more harm to you and your daughters' relationship than you know. They are at a young age and can identify "hypocrites" quite easily. Thats the quickest way for you to lose their respect.

  • Steve Lowry
    Steve Lowry

    Be who you are first. Then go from there.

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