My story

by Leeny 27 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Leeny

    Hello everyone :)

    I came across this website when I was looking for some emotional/mental support lately as I was summoned by elders to explain someone’s report on me saying “I’m promoting homosexuality”.

    I’m inactive, not attending meetings or associating with JW outside of my biological family for almost 2 years now.

    Yes I am gay (you can judge away) and yes it is in a direct contrast to the scriptures, no arguement about it.

    I was brought up in a JW family. My dad is a typical zealot, he literally talks or thinks about the Bible 24/7. Even folks in the congragation thought he’s over the top. I don’t judge the guy, I think that’s the way he copes with life on psychological level. I set boundaries and the older we get the better it works between us. Anyway you can imagine what kind of upbringing I received. By the way up to few years ago my dad was always an elder and a regular pioneer. We were on the poorer side of finances I must say (my mum was always working her ass off at jobs to support my dad’s not best income). However we never starved so I can’t complain really. I mentioned it because I feel me being from a modest family added to the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority throughout my school experience.

    I was baptised at the age of 11 and was always very into the religion. I was a zealot myself. I never liked door to door preaching or class debates at school (I felt like I’m making myself a target for the matters nobody really cares that much for). My dad insisted on me being an “example”. Sometimes I kicked off when the pressure got too big and cried that I don’t want to live my life like an actor on stage where my every move is being burdened with holding not only my reputation but the JW’s and God’s Himself. I grew to be a very ‘paranoid’ girl. I felt guilty all the time for everything. Remember ending most days waking my dad up and confessing to my transgressions in hope that he’ll absolve me (for example saying: ok now, don’t do it again but I’m sure God’ll forgive you). I was overestimating imapct my life, choices and mistakes have on others. Always questioned how much I did for God as we were encouraged to do so on regular basis. I had my personal struggles (had an incident of abuse, not by a JW) and my two older brothers were causing much trouble as they stopped attending meetings and associating with JWs (they never been baptised), they acted out a lot too. My dad got depressed and I felt like I need to be his pride and joy. I will spare you the boring details of my life, just mention that I got very depressed at the age of 16 until early 20s I was contamplating a suiciade on regular basis.

    I always struggled to feel the special relationship with God that supposed to be the whole core and motivation for my life as a JW. I couldn’t understand how you can trust someone will help you if there was never any certentity. If you felt better it’s from God, if not well you have to perceviere or you’re not doing something. I started to feel like things either happen or not (like for everybody else in the world) and we just ascribe so much paranormal meaning to it. I became a huge sceptic of such interpretation and people claiming seeing God’s hand in their lives. I maintained they talk themselves into seeing things that way.

    Coming back to the begining of my long post, I am gay. I tried to find a nice brother and ‘get over’ it but my experience with JW boys was traumatic lol Maybe I will write about my opinion on mating in the congragation another time.

    I got to the point where I started feeling like my life is passing me by. I gain no experience. I make no use of my potential. I have no chance of any meaningful, romantic relationship or career. I started to be terrified of growing older. I felt like I must be a 100% sure it all is the truth or I end up wasting my life away. I became inactive, started dating, having fun (felt like a teenager in my mid 20s).

    I met a wonderful women that is my current partner and she has been a huge support and a source of courage for me. In a meantime my brothers hit the rock bottom in the ‘world’ and came back to the religion. Now they’re thriving and happy as examplary JWs.

    I stopped feeling guilty for everything all the time. I stopped seeing a grand conspiracy around me. I started looking at people I meet as humans, not manipulated by Satan paws ready to attack me at any point. I went back to college to pursue my interests. Overall I feel a huge psychological relief. However I struggle with a fear “what if I’m wrong and they’re right? What if I’m being deceived?”.

    When the elders called to summon me I started feeling a lot of anxiety and stress. If I end up being DF my mum’s heart will break in two and I will have no contact with her. At first I felt guilty and scared but the more time passes by the more pissed off I start feeling.

    I contemplate whether to meet up with them at all. Maybe I just move out of my parents and avoid the congragation all together (like I do anyway) and that way if they don’t have enough evidence to DF me behind my back, they’ll have to drop the case (they didn’t want to tell me what they have on me over the phone). What do you think guys? Any similar experiences?

  • sparky1

    Welcome to the forum. I look forward to more postings from you. There is a lot to learn here. Many fine people contribute to the pool of knowledge for ex-Jehovah's Witnesses.

  • Biahi

    If you are in your mid twenties, it’s time to move out. Move far enough away that the elders can’t bother you.

  • no-zombie

    Hi Lenny,

    As an ex-elder, I can say (rather sadly) that if the elder body has already determined that a judicial committee is warranted, they already have enough 'facts' to disfellowship you ... and they are only calling to see if you are repentant. This being the case, moving away will not stop the process as you will be judged as unrepentant, in absentia. However, turning up for one's judicial hearing has often been discusses on this site. And while some chose to go to make a closing statement of some kind (even when they have predetermined to leave anyway), it never changes the outcome.

    While the choice is of course yours, all of us here recommend people to first and foremost protect their mental and emotional health ... and whatever happens or choice you make ... you are always welcome to talk things through here.

  • JustHuman14

    Hi Leeny. Just be your self and follow your heart. WT's God is a Jewish fictional imagery god, full of hatred and revenge. That's why many JWs can't feel any connection with him. If you read the Old Testament, you will realize that is full of violence, contradictions with History and Science facts, a book that was written 3500 thousand years ago by a bunch of misogynistic nomads living in the desert. That's what it is. Jesus He never condemned anyone, except the self righteous religious Jewish leaders, that apparently the Governing Body of the WT, is acting exactly the same. Being gay is something that is in your nature. I' m not gay but I have gay friends and they are the most lovely people to associate with. Just leave WT behind and live your life. My life was destroyed by the WT, when I left almost 16 years ago. Lost family, friends, with no education, kicked out in the streets because I told them the Truth about the Truth. Never managed to get on my feet. If you found love then cling to it, you are very lucky.

  • VIII

    Hi Lenny, welcome!

    I, like many went through many of the things you've been experiencing. While I'm not gay and I know that add a whole level of complexity to your situation in the eyes of the JWs, I can say that 1) not meeting with the Elders is the safer choice and 2) moving out ASAP is the best.

    I was baptized when I was 12 and only did it to make my Mom happy. Oh, and 1975 and Armageddon were right around the corner so I needed to survive the Great Tribulation and all. I guess that tribulation was smaller than anticipated, huh? 😂

    i faded in college and they never pursued me in spite of having DFd everyone else in my immediate family. My Mom got reinstated and still talks to me so we just let sleeping dogs lie. She encourages me to return and I use vague language to avoid telling her it's a crock of poop.

    Again, welcome and don't let them bully or guilt you into going back, freedom from the cult is awesome!

  • pale.emperor

    If you’re inactive I wouldn’t bother turning up. They can take you turning up as you showing that you acknowledge their authority.

    I wouldn’t give them that pleasure.

    Maybe tell your parents you’re not a JW and therefore won’t be attending a JC? I don’t know if that’ll make a difference in how they treat you, some parents are lenient.

  • Giordano

    Well I would say you were born into some troubling conditions and from your story it was almost impossible to find your footing. Thank goodness you did not take your life.

    It does sound though that you are finding your way now to orient yourself to living a decent and comfortable (mentally and emotional ) life that would allow you to be who you are.

    Your father has lived a truly worthless life more then likely because of his ego........and unfortunately your mother abetted him so he could be the ELDER and you could be the obedient CHILD.

    Unfortunately you are still trapped within their world is time for you to leave your parents and move out.

    They are stuck in the mess they are not.

    Being a part of the JW construct means you are part of one of the most dangerous and reckless religions there is....... 73 time worse then Jim Jones and the People's temple. Jim Jones killed off almost a 1,000 people in one night. The JW's have killed off at least 1,000 people per year over the last 73 years because of their ignorant Ban on Blood.

    This is a corporate religion and as such your human welfare is at the bottom of the list for the WTBTS. You owe the Society nothing and as for your parents..............

    It is time to move out and on. It is time for you to appreciate who you are and to become a humanist. A Person who has ethics and makes healthy decisions and has concerns for the human condition.

    Your sexual orientation is meaningless in today's world unless your a JW, a Mormon, a Muslim, or some snake handling religion. Which leaves you with billions of people who wouldn't give a damn if your Gay or not.

    Our lives are limited in time......... you deserve to live your life as you see fit.

    When my wife and I left the JW so called Truth some fifty years ago we were no longer considered to be person's of importance. We were dead to them.

    In actuality we were modestly important to the greater world. My wife and I became artists and have our work in over a dozen museums. Both of us have served our community as un-paid volunteers for the past 20 years making sure that people had access to food and shelter and professional help.

    What I will take with me and cherish until my last breath is my loving non JW family and our community and friendships. We have made a difference. While in our community the two Kingdom Halls are fading away.

    I think it's time for you to have a loving non JW family, loving friends and to offer your abilities, as humble as they may be, to make your own community just little bit better.

    We know ourselves by how others think of us.....but never how a JW thinks of us.

    Thank you for joining us.......


  • NewYork44M

    Welcome to the forum. I doubt you will be judged by anyone on this board for your sexual orientation.

    While the elders want to meet with you, I am what you have to gain. Unless you are ready to renounce your gayness, which you cant, there is no positive outcome in a meeting.

    Best wishes for your future success.

  • truth_b_known

    Welcome Leeny!

    While I was a young adult (about your age) and a Witness I became close friends with 2 gay men. I knew what the Witnesses believed and what the Bible said. I am much happier being out of that organization and have even more close friends who are openly gay.

    You should get your own place and get on with being you as soon as possible. I lost a good 10 years of my adult life because I waited until my 30s to get out of that horrible organization.

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