Hello everyone :)
I came across this website when I was looking for some emotional/mental support lately as I was summoned by elders to explain someone’s report on me saying “I’m promoting homosexuality”.
I’m inactive, not attending meetings or associating with JW outside of my biological family for almost 2 years now.
Yes I am gay (you can judge away) and yes it is in a direct contrast to the scriptures, no arguement about it.
I was brought up in a JW family. My dad is a typical zealot, he literally talks or thinks about the Bible 24/7. Even folks in the congragation thought he’s over the top. I don’t judge the guy, I think that’s the way he copes with life on psychological level. I set boundaries and the older we get the better it works between us. Anyway you can imagine what kind of upbringing I received. By the way up to few years ago my dad was always an elder and a regular pioneer. We were on the poorer side of finances I must say (my mum was always working her ass off at jobs to support my dad’s not best income). However we never starved so I can’t complain really. I mentioned it because I feel me being from a modest family added to the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority throughout my school experience.
I was baptised at the age of 11 and was always very into the religion. I was a zealot myself. I never liked door to door preaching or class debates at school (I felt like I’m making myself a target for the matters nobody really cares that much for). My dad insisted on me being an “example”. Sometimes I kicked off when the pressure got too big and cried that I don’t want to live my life like an actor on stage where my every move is being burdened with holding not only my reputation but the JW’s and God’s Himself. I grew to be a very ‘paranoid’ girl. I felt guilty all the time for everything. Remember ending most days waking my dad up and confessing to my transgressions in hope that he’ll absolve me (for example saying: ok now, don’t do it again but I’m sure God’ll forgive you). I was overestimating imapct my life, choices and mistakes have on others. Always questioned how much I did for God as we were encouraged to do so on regular basis. I had my personal struggles (had an incident of abuse, not by a JW) and my two older brothers were causing much trouble as they stopped attending meetings and associating with JWs (they never been baptised), they acted out a lot too. My dad got depressed and I felt like I need to be his pride and joy. I will spare you the boring details of my life, just mention that I got very depressed at the age of 16 until early 20s I was contamplating a suiciade on regular basis.
I always struggled to feel the special relationship with God that supposed to be the whole core and motivation for my life as a JW. I couldn’t understand how you can trust someone will help you if there was never any certentity. If you felt better it’s from God, if not well you have to perceviere or you’re not doing something. I started to feel like things either happen or not (like for everybody else in the world) and we just ascribe so much paranormal meaning to it. I became a huge sceptic of such interpretation and people claiming seeing God’s hand in their lives. I maintained they talk themselves into seeing things that way.
Coming back to the begining of my long post, I am gay. I tried to find a nice brother and ‘get over’ it but my experience with JW boys was traumatic lol Maybe I will write about my opinion on mating in the congragation another time.
I got to the point where I started feeling like my life is passing me by. I gain no experience. I make no use of my potential. I have no chance of any meaningful, romantic relationship or career. I started to be terrified of growing older. I felt like I must be a 100% sure it all is the truth or I end up wasting my life away. I became inactive, started dating, having fun (felt like a teenager in my mid 20s).
I met a wonderful women that is my current partner and she has been a huge support and a source of courage for me. In a meantime my brothers hit the rock bottom in the ‘world’ and came back to the religion. Now they’re thriving and happy as examplary JWs.
I stopped feeling guilty for everything all the time. I stopped seeing a grand conspiracy around me. I started looking at people I meet as humans, not manipulated by Satan paws ready to attack me at any point. I went back to college to pursue my interests. Overall I feel a huge psychological relief. However I struggle with a fear “what if I’m wrong and they’re right? What if I’m being deceived?”.
When the elders called to summon me I started feeling a lot of anxiety and stress. If I end up being DF my mum’s heart will break in two and I will have no contact with her. At first I felt guilty and scared but the more time passes by the more pissed off I start feeling.
I contemplate whether to meet up with them at all. Maybe I just move out of my parents and avoid the congragation all together (like I do anyway) and that way if they don’t have enough evidence to DF me behind my back, they’ll have to drop the case (they didn’t want to tell me what they have on me over the phone). What do you think guys? Any similar experiences?