I think God is really trying to get you to a point where you learn something very good about Him; eventually, you'll have to determine whether to trust Him like you've never done before...
Do you remember the first beatitude? "Blessed are the poor in spirit... because the Kingdom of God is theirs."
Chew on this for awhile, like gum. (That's what I think meditation is like: gum-chewing.) Perhaps you are getting closer to God than you would ever guess. ... I suspect so....
PS: you don't need to make an excuse for loving Jehovah. I personally think you see more of the real God and love Him, rather than the caricature the WT has developed--even though you think they are the same... I love God, too, and like you, I don't see that changing (even after reading this board! LOL)
I posted this song a while ago, maybe you missed it. But it hits the nail on the head so to speak, at least for me. Maybe it can help you too.
Trust yourself (by Bob Dylan)
JW? No of course I'm not. I fail miserably. I don't reach the standards to be counted amongst the numbers.
Scott -- this is exactly why I believe JW's are wrong. They discount people like you.
I judge a group of people (be it a religion, a tribe or an entire society) by the way they treat their weakest and neediest members. The attitude of the JW organization is to throw aside people just when they're at their weakest or need the most help. And to add insult to injury, once someone is DF'd or DA'd, the gossip mill starts and people speculate on exactly why you were so wicked as to be cast out.
I don't think that's living up to the "by this you know you'll have love among yourselves" creed.
And like the apostle Paul said, "I can have all the knowledge so as to (???? whatever he said), but if I don't have love, I'm like clashing cymbals."
Let's just say for the sake of argument that the majority of teachings of JW's are the truth, as you posted. However, by Paul's standards -- it doesn't matter. The lack of love shown to the shy, weak current members and also to ex-members makes it all a dissonant sound to anyone with a loving spirit.
I totally understand. Congratulations on being.... you.
What about those caught in between?
Follow your heart and act accordingly. There's no need to align yourself with a particular attitude or belief of another. Your truth is yours for your own reasons.
Your honesty about how you really feel is refreshing. Though, I find it hard to conprehend how anyone could remain with such a crooked and hurtful organization ... in the same way as I find it hard to understand how and why prostitutes remain with their pimps ... love, I guess? ... or addiction? ... or hopelessness? ... or something that they allow to be more powerful than themselves. However, until a person reaches such a crisis of reality, then all the debate in the world will do little to cause change.
The "Jehovah" of the Watchtower does not exist, anymore than Santa Clause exists. He is an invented god, created to market a brand of books and phamplets in the name of the real JW god of "Control, Influence, and Glory" of the men at the top. Nothing more, nothing less. It is hard reality.
The Jehovah of Christianity, if truly represented by Jesus Christ, is a much different God, and a vastly different religion from the Jehovah's Witnesses ...
There is no way of knowing the truth for sure, because in all honesty, the God and creator of humans is all too painfully silent, permiting far too much evil that confuses people beyond all reason.
As a devout man once said to me 35 years ago, "You go ahead and serve your little jehovah, and one day you will wake up and discover he is nothing, and the entire religion built around him is all for nothing."
I never dreamed how true his words would become ... I thought he was a kook .. a worldly man who thought with the flesh and not the spirit ... I never realized how on target he was ... he presented hard reality, and I was just not ready to face the real truth about life ... that is ... we just don't know, provided we are intellectually honest with ourselves.
"Crisis of Conscience" and "Christian Freedom" may help balance your feelings towards serving Jehovah my friend. I know how you feel when it comes to matters concerning the worship of Almighty God & his Son Jesus Christ. Reading through the Gospel accounts when your head is clear may help you. Just rest up, eat well and surround yourself with decent people for the time being. Have a decent glass of wine and listen to some uplifting music.
Do not abandon yourself to despair too easily.
I don't think despite all my ups and downs, my worries, my insecurites, my trying to live life apart from that I really in my heart of hearts know to be right, that I could ever really lose my love for Jehovah. I just can't forget that what I once learnt. It can't be undone. Its hardwired into my psyche.
Scoob --there is no shame in loving God
I think I understand your feelings.
My word is: let everything flow around, upon and within you as it has to -- ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions, guilt, anxiety, even joy from times to times. Try to identify them, name them, and, yes, even enjoy them as they rub, often painfully, on this "part" of you that doesn't change (call it soul, memory, conscience or whatever).
I'm sure you know The night of the iguana, by John Huston. If you don't, I strongly recommend you see this movie as soon as possible...