My silent ongoing fight against the org.

by The Grudge 45 Replies latest jw experiences

  • wednesday


    so sorry for what u are going through. and about to go through. So many on thiis board have gone through the same thing. Their JW spouses have shunned them and turned their children against them and on and on. Worldly girl and dmouse come to mind. Go do a search on dmouse and read what he is going through. That ought to give u Pause.

    It will have an affect on your children -if and when u have them. If u chose to stay with your wife and have children,, please for your unborn children's sake do them a lifesaving favor and do not allow your wife to raise them as jws. U can do that being the husband and if she is a good jws wife, she'll go with it. Think of the happiness you'll bring your future kids, they will get to be somewhat normal. U could spare them from the childhood most of us had. Plus u will be a step ahead of the jws in their efforts to demonize u to your own children. And they will do that. Reread GaryB post. They will turn your own children against u. Gary is over at Freeminds and has written several articles. Read them. They will take your children away from u and your own children will shun u.

    This situation can happen especially if u do not want to be a jws based on apostasy. Your wife may even leave u over this. U are a grave spiritual danger to her. (that is what they will tell her).

    Your wife is already thinking about this stuff, b/c she is worrying about having children. The handwriting is on the wall, as they say.

  • jgnat

    I find my relationship with my JW husband is the WORST if either of us gets pushy. This can happen if I read something particularly disturbing on the board, or he gets this hopeful look when we talk about the meetings. Any scary talk pushes him in to a cognitive dissonance loop and he starts spouting "I have the truth! I know I have the truth!" over and over like a mantra. And yes, he pushes his unhappiness on to me, like I caused it.

    I find our relationship is at it's best when I address his genuine self. Movies, music, sports. I am thinking a long-term strategy is to include as much NON-JW activities in to our week as I can cram in. For when he is ready to figure out which side of his bread is buttered.

  • Odrade

    Gary, I'm a little worried about you. It seems like you've taken a turn towards being more bitter in the recent past. I hope you are alright, your posts helped me a great deal when I first joined this board. Just remember that not all mates and families deserve the "flush." There is hope for many of us.

    Grudge, sweetheart, it sounds like you and your wife have a very good and loving relationship, aside from the alleigance to the WTS. I hope you can hang in there. Like Nina, I took a long time to wake up. I argued very passionately in favor of the WTS being God's channel, and tried to coerce my husband into more active participation. He was just going through the motions, and I didn't realized that he had fully rejected the religion, though he was still participating to keep the peace.

    He just waited patiently for me to get more and more disillusioned, and finally after 5 years of going through the constant push-pull of activity, I started asking him for his ideas on doctrine and policies. It was all my choice after that, but he waited a long time for me to come to the realization that I needed to get away from the JWs. We had and have a good relationship though and I know that's what helped us survive the strain of the religious "ideals" for so long. The important thing is, he never pushed me to get out. If he had pushed, I never would have been able to allow my doubts to come out. I would have defended the WTS to the bitter end--probably of our marriage, because I would have felt like I was standing up against persecution from within. Instead, he let the realities of trying to live up to life in a cult rise to the surface, and I figured it out.

    Lots of luck, hold on to your woman, if she's intelligent and loving, hopefully she'll come around sooner rather than later.


  • Rabbit

    Hi and Welcome,

    You do have a problem on your hands. A whole lot depends on how HER support group is, if they are fanatical JW's like my X-wifes' then it can get very bad.

    I hate to be negative -- after 2 decades of marriage, with me being a 'weak' or 'spiritually sick' brother, my wife left then unscripturally divorced me, like Gary Buss above my X- has taught my children to shun me. I never tried to stop her from going to meetings, but, sometimes I would ask her to stay home. Sometimes, I would question her about certain teachings and criticize some elders for how they handled things . She would get very upset...just like your wife and said either "wait on Jah" or "how dare you question God' arrangement". Something was wrong...for me, I just did not recognise that my 'weakness or sickness, spiritually' was really my conscience telling me something was rotten i n 'God's organization'. It was just the 'seeds' of doubt sprouting in fertile ground.

    The other thing that parallels yours -- the kind description of your wife, her intelligence and how much you both love each other. These are exactly the words I used about her to everyone, even a few years after she left... I do hope she will really listen to you and maybe with time she will come over to your thinking. However, you must know...marriages have been and are being destroyed over this very issue. This issue CAN destroy Love itself.

    Be very careful...good luck...learn ultimate patience, you'll need it.

    Good Luck, Lee

  • garybuss

    Odrade, These are my two sons my Witness relatives and their Witness mother trained to shun me. Please look at the picture and think what that means. GaryB

  • The Grudge
    The Grudge

    Thank you all for your comments and support.You've given me a little more to think about. I think the main thing Im going to take from the advice right now is patience. I am fully aware of the things that could happen and that have happened negatively to others that have been in my situation. I think right now, however,its a little early to jump the gun and do something drastic.So Im going to give her time and be patient,hoping that she will come around sooner then later.Like I said, I appreciate all of your imput an advice no matter which angle your on. I think however,as Im sure all would agree,that no outcome can be predicted.While some relationships have ended over this,some have come out stronger.Though,it does seem like there are alot of hopeless cases,it also seems that approaching the matter in certain ways and avoiding certain things can help alot. So right now Im going to stick it out, because she is defenately worth the fight. I know having patience is going to be the hardest thing for me right now. I really hate that word.

    Thanks again,and I'll keep you all posted.

  • The Grudge
    The Grudge


    Im sad to hear about your experience. I have no idea what that must be like for you,but imagining it is enough of a jolt,making me realize what could happen in my situation. I appreciate your input and have taken your words to heart.Time will be a factor in determining my final decisions,but I have at leist for now put on hold in my mind, having children in this situation. Once again,thank you.I hope you too, can work out things for the better.

  • Odrade

    Gary, I understand. Well, I don't really because I don't have children who shun me. I'm sorry for your loss, it's clearly painful.

    The only reason I asked is that it just seems you've been having a particularly hard time of late and I wondered if you were okay. There must be many hills and valleys when the loss of family is intentional on their part, and nothing you can do. If I were the praying sort, I'd pray for them to come to their senses someday.

    (((Gary))) thinking of you.


  • yxl1
    I find our relationship is at it's best when I address his genuine self. Movies, music, sports. I am thinking a long-term strategy is to include as much NON-JW activities in to our week as I can cram in.

    Thats good advice. Good luck and keep us posted

  • SM62

    The Grudge,

    I can see exactly where you are coming from. I am in a similar situation with my husband. He seriously thinks I have lost it. He thinks I am insane and hopes I will come to my senses again one day - he really does. He is a good person, just like your wife. He sincerely believes this is the true religion. I have done exactly what you have done - I have spoken to him about my doubts, told him about things I have learned from various web sites, mentioned the UN scandal, Rand Cam, flip-flop doctrine, child-abuse scandals, lies, deceit, hypocrisy, twisted scripture, lies about number of witnesses in concentration camps, the utter silliness of the 1914 teaching, the inaccuracy of the 607 date etc etc etc. I have said it all - and where has it got me? Absolutely nowehere! I have bombarded him so much that he now thinks I am a complete crackpot. So now I say nothing. I wait for him to question me - which he does do sometimes. I don't bring up the WTS anymore - he does. I think he is curious and wants to see what I think. He still thnks I will 'come back' to Jehovah and always asks me if I am coming to the meeting every time. He really cares about me and it hurts to know he is living a lie - but it is his choice. I have realised that I have no right to tell him what religion to be or not to be, any more than he has the right to tell me. If he feels he is serving God by doing what he is doing, I won't interfere. If he ever asks me about my thoughts, or shows signs of doubts in the WTS, I will be there for him. Until then, I just don't have the energy or desire to fight him any more. I love him to bits and, if he is happy being a JW, so be it. Maybe if you back off, do your own thing and let your wife do likewise, things will get better. The only problem I can see is if the elders or whoever start to stick their noses in, and then you may need to make a stand. But until then, if she wants to be a true JW wife, tell her that you are still head of the household (yes I know - it makes me sick - but this is what they believe) and that as a JW wife she should realise the sacredness of marriage and do all she can to make a success of yours. Tell her that nobody should be allowed to come between the two of you, as Jehovah would not like this. Do not try to prevent her from going to meetings, as this will be used against you. In time, maybe she will see the light too.

    I wish you well - I know the pain you must be in. I am not DFd or DAd, but I am shunned by most JWs that were once my friends. Sometimes I think I am going mad - but I refuse to let this hateful organisation rob me of any more self-dignity or self-worth than it already has.

    My husband is a MS. I was told recently by an elder's wife that, if it wasn't for me, he would be an elder by now! Don't you just feel the love


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