by Sirona 24 Replies latest jw friends
Hi,
I'd appreciate any links or book recommendations to help with grief. I've searched the net, but thought that you would all have some good input. Basically I'm trying to help someone very close to me who is shattered with grief (the death happened only 2 days ago).
Please tell me about your own experiences in helping someone in this situation. Also any books that helped you with your grief (I can buy this for her maybe). I've never had to deal with this before.
Sirona
I don't know of to many people in a reading mode after someone special dies, I know I wouldn't. I mean, how many people are thinking straight when a loved dies? What I have done was just to be in their company and keep my words to a limit. It's a time of grief. I'm speaking from MY experience. Plenty of relatives and acquaintances die in my community. Keep in mind that not all cultures have the same practices when it comes to a death of a loved one.
Guest 77
Hi Sirona
Pop in to Waterstones, they usually have a few titles. There were 3 my mum read after my dad died that she found helpful and she doles them out to friends. I'll get back to you on their titles. In the meantime, it's early days for your friend and just being there for them is important. It may be too soon for them to read books on bereavement, but you'll find them helpful.
All the best.
Euan
edited to add: being there now is important, but being there in the coming weeks and months is more important as it's as everone else moves on with their lives that the bereaved feel really at a loss.
I'll second what Scotsman said. Everyone expects you to just be able to get over it when someone close dies. When my mum died I thought I was over it a couple of months later and found that at odd times I would find myself breaking down and losing it.
Time doesn't heal, friends help.
Guest
I suppose you are right that she isn't going to want to read anything. Maybe she will in the months to come. Thanks
Scotsman,
I will need to remember what you said about that. Its an ongoing thing, not just for right now. I've experienced grief myself, but I guess we all react differently and this was someone *very* close to her. (thanks)
SLH,
Thanks for the comments, do you really think that time doesn't heal?
Sirona
Sirona,
no. It's been 15 years since my mum died and my kid sister is still screwed up over it. She's 20 and never had the chance to ask her all the things a girl should be able to ask her mum when she was growing up.
I'm over 30 now and find that I don't think about it much any more, your life sort of fills up with loads of other stuff. So in that respect i guess time does heal, I actually forgot the date this year (it was a couple of weeks ago) and didn't realise til the day after. Thing is it has left long lasting effects which will never go away, I'm not saying that 15 years on I am still crying myself to sleep at night rather that it has seriously coloured my life view and I am still angry that I didn't get to say certain things to my mother. I also find it extremely difficult to let anyone get too close.
Steve
It's not the time that heals, it's what's done with the time that determines whether we heal. Loss isn't something to get over, it's something we learn to live with. After my dad died, it was a project for me to get my Mum back on her feet, for her to have a life as an independant woman. It took about three years and although she relied on me heavily at times, she got there. She traveled to the States, Russia, Europe and the Far East having been only to Paris in the 50's. She learned to play the flute and took up the Alexander Technique. I was, and am, really proud of how she took control of her life (apart from still being a JW!)
I was 20 when my dad died 12 years ago, and I'm sorry that we didn't have the time to establish a properly adult relationship (but then who ever manages that!) but I still think of him often via music we both like and interests that we share. As a family we all talked about him a lot in the months after he died, talked about what he'd have thought about things that happened.
12 years later I have no shame when I occasionally cry when thinking about him.
euan
Hi Sirona...
It's hard sometimes to know what to do when a friend is in so much pain and grief..
I had a girlfriend whose husband died of the most rapid form of cancer you can get. From diagnosis to death... it was only 2 weeks.
As I held his hand in the hospital day after day helping him and other family through this, one of the things he asked me was to check on his wife every day for awhile.
so that is what I did. I dropped in every day made us both a cup of tea. talked about him if she wanted also made sure I had read the newspaper and told her something interesting and upbuilding from that. A funny little story. Talked about my kids. Hugged her always when I came and hugged her always and told her that I loved her when I left.
So... that is what I did.
She too, wasn't able to read anything for the first while.
she did, however, find a grief support group after about 3 months. A therapist for a bit. and after 4 months or so joined an exercise program and alot of other things.
It's been 4 years now and as I sit and have a tea with her she thanks me for my true friendship. When I asked her what the hardest part (after his death was) she tells me it was being home alone. She couldn't stand being home alone.
sincerely
Special K
There is a book that seems to have been around quite awhile. I don't know the author, but it's titled "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People". I did have it way back; a gift from my employer when my first husband committed suicide. I didn't read it right away. But I did appreciate the thought, and the words he wrote in the cover to me. When I got around to reading the book, it was just an added blessing of encouragement.
I have to say though, usually reading a book is not something easily done by one who is just receiving bad news. The mind is a complicated mess of memories, past and present. The emotion very crippling. Pain of loss is such a personal thing. If you aren't close enough to give them a nice hug, and extend yourself personally to help with meals or chores, etc., the only thing you can do is search for the nicest condolence card you can find, or make your own. Sometimes, it is the smallest things, the less said, the hugs in silence, the kind word, that means more than anything else. Sorrow is something that only the individual can work through.
I know you will find a way. In love and compassion, your instincts will direct you.
Karen
Thanks Sentinel
"Why bad things happen to Good People"
We all glean something from topics.. I'll check this book out.
sincerely
Special K
