Should I stay or should I go?

by BlackWolf 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • scratchme1010

    Hello, and good to hear from you. I remember your previous posts. I don't like giving advise since I know that I may not know all the details, but something that I notice in your post is that it makes several statements about what your parents think immobilizing you from taking action. Though you want to be respectful to your parents, you cannot make good decisions for yourself always considering what they think. If they want to force you to remain JW, obviously they are not thinking about what is bet for you, as much as the JW thing works for them.

    Removing from your parents may help you feel less depressed. If your situation with your non-JW aunt helps you feel less depressed, it sounds like a good option. Nothing worse than looking for work while under pressure and depressed.

    Whatever your parents make of your move, if they don't believe it when you tell then what your reasons are, and if they take the position of accusing family of manipulating you, that's their issue, their nonsense, and any action they take over their misinterpretation of the facts is their responsibility, not yours.

    Try staying with your aunt for a week, a month or some time (if possible). You can get a better sense of what that move will look like to you, and if you feel that it may work for you to be there in a longer term, then make the move. Just in case, make sure that when/if you move with your aunt, you have a very good grasp of what living with her is.

    I hope this helps.

  • cha ching
    cha ching

    So sorry Blackwood, sounds like you need a mental break if you are crying every day.. It is a lot easier to think without the pressure.

    Can you say you are "taking a vacation" or "break" ? Use that time to just chill.

    I agree with the idea I'm just getting your head in the zone and thinking about JW as a business. No emotion just go to the meeting and zone out and read things on the internet and think of it as you do not care about it.

    As far as service goes, I would try to get out of that it sounds like that is the biggest pressure on you. What can you do about it? Perhaps you can say you need a break from that too because people ask me questions you cannot answer or deal with and you need a break.

    After a time just tell your parents that it is too much pressure on you and you are feeling depressed and it is affecting your health.

    Many hugs to you, cha ching

  • JakeM2012

    BlackWolf, reading your posts we have a lot in common. Although, I have several decades on you. I have suffered from depression since I was around 11. I had a few doubts about our Biblical beliefs, but I knew that I wanted to go to college and was met with great resistance from my family. I caved to my Fathers demands about college and years later he told me that he should have let me go to college. He found out that Watchtower had brothers that he respected who were engineers.

    The primary reason I caved was that I thought my family would at least have peace and unity. I gave a prediction to my successful Father when I was eighteen about how the family business that he wanted me to get into would end up after his death. My words came 100% true. As far as unity in the family, they are all still active witnesses, but everyone has gone their own direction and doesn't even talk with each other and especially to me. Truth is, that not only do they have problems with each other, they also have problems with others in the congregations. There was constant turmoil in their lives. Some in the family bounce around from congregation to congregation and never find a happy place. I label them as the negative ones in the soap opera family.

    I eventually separated myself from them many years ago by moving far away. When I was in my 20's I had an older spiritual brother tell me that it would be best to move away and make my own way. I believe he gave good advice and should have acted on it sooner. Even the Bible says that a man should leave his mother and father when getting married. I would advise to move away and not be in a hurry to getting married.

    About work: A college education does not carry the weight that it once did. But I'm not discouraging you from that pursuit. At the moment there are opportunities with skilled labor, as many are retiring. I joined a labor union 10 years ago and have found plenty of work and I travel a lot for work. Welders, ironworkers, operators, pipe fitters etc. have apprenticeship programs available, being trained by journeymen who will shortly retire. You get paid a wage better than most starting out while you learn, health insurance and retirement. Just call one of the Locals Unions for more information if that interests you.

    You can get antidepression medicine from a family doctor, you don't have to see a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist does not necessarily give worldly advice, they are trained specifically in the medications for your mind. Antidepressants are not a magic bullet to make you happy, but they do help. If you haven't started to drink alcohol, I wouldn't. It is no friend to depression. Stay away from the benzodiazepines for anxiety.

    I know that listening to someone upbeat and positive is great. I listen to audible books and to Joel Olsteen. I know there is criticism of him by some, but he is very positive and his message is one that encourages you to look at the bright side of life and he uses Biblical examples of people like David, Moses, and Joseph to show how just because things are not great at the time it doesn't mean all of life is going to continue that way. It's just a chapter not the end of the book.

    You are young, Think big, think bold, and pursue your dreams. Live in peace with those that are agreeable, don't spend emotional energy on negative people, keep your thinking at an elevated level. I know it's hard when you are young with all the uncertainty, but things will work out. You will find your way.

  • steve2

    I take it that those who advise Blackwolf to go are also going to provide financial backing and stable accommodation support.

    This is an admittedly sad but very typical variation on the line heard by lots of young people, JWs or otherwise: "My parents are very mean to me and I don't know if I can take it anymore."

    Imagine being raised a Muslim, Hindu, Exclusive Brethren or in a closed commune.

    While we can nod our heads in recognition of the JW aspects that trap Blackwolf, we're doing him a disservice if we simply conclude his situation must be so uniquely and literally intolerable, that he has to go.

    No, he doesn't. But there's no reason why he cannot be encouraged to be strategic about his situation and plan on leaving when he can pay his own way - or has benefactors who will help him do so.

  • Incognito
    we're doing him a disservice


    BlackWolf is an 18 yo female.

  • jp1692

    Any prison break takes careful, thoughtful planning and a well-timed execution, even one where the only “bars and walls” are purely psychological.

  • dubstepped

    I can't believe that people that claim to work in the psychological field above would get into the game of comparison because someone else might have it worse, trying to negate the feelings of a young lady. It blows my mind.

    Her parents aren't just mean to her, there's been some physical abuse, the way they blackmail her constantly to become a JW is emotional abuse. You should be able to see that. She's talked about eating disordered issues on here. She just said that she cries daily and you're essentially just telling her to suck it up and not be a baby because it could be worse? Unbelievable.

    I do think that mental and emotional toughness should be developed to some degree, but not to the degree of denial that is being recommended so much on here through these comments. Denial for an extended period of time is not healthy. She's already done so for years. But hey, the parents are hooking her up with a cell phone and might help with college as long as she does what they want and does it online so as not to have contact with worldly people all the while attending meetings and being active in service and family studies. They already took away the things she loved like her horse riding that they used to blackmail her because she talked to the worldly people there. They already pulled her out of school to keep her at home exclusively in the company of JWs. But hey, maybe she got the new iPhone.

    Obviously she needs a plan. She's not just running out and living on the streets though. She has options and is exploring them, though some here would have her just stick it out for material things with blackmail attached.

    It's bad enough to be abused at home. I don't know why she would come here to take it from some of you that seem to be so worried about material things above a person's emotional and mental well being. If she doesn't go to college now all is not lost. Many go later in life. Maybe she can move in with her aunt and it gets delayed a bit but she finds a way to go soon. College does not equal a happy life or productive career. Neither does a car or cell phone.

    Just FYI, I actually have been in contact with BlackWolf and my wife and I did offer her a way out if needed. I'm sure you think we're suckers for doing that because she must not have it that bad. You must be a hoot in therapy sessions. Suicidal? Buck up you wanker, stop whining like a baby. Geezus.

  • steve2

    Good to know you're here to provide another point of view dubstepped. I do not post in my official capacity but as a fellow human who was pretty much faced with the exact same situation when I was at home in my early 20s.

    I did get Blackwolf's gender wrong. I stand corrected on that.

  • Giordano

    The way I look at this is that it's a round table discussion. We are trying to offer possibilities. Sometimes it can get complicated.

    If anyone has the time......... go back to her first couple of posts when she was 15. The religion and her isolation was causing big problems and it's been unrelenting.

    I think a long visit with her Aunt should be considered.

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