Should I stay or should I go?

by BlackWolf 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • BlackWolf

    Hello everyone, I haven't posted anything on here for a while and today I just really felt like I needed to get my thoughts together. (If you don't know me please read some of my previous posts)

    So pretty much not much has changed in my life, I'm still living with my parents and going to all the meetings and service. I currently have no job even though I've been trying desperately to get one. I feel so depressed I feel like I can hardly take it anymore, actually I cry pretty much everyday. I try to talk to my parents occasionally but it usually just makes me feel worse.

    Pretty much I've come up with two different options, I could stay where I am currently and just keep trying to find a job and start college next semester. Or I could go stay with my non jw aunt that lives far away and help with her farm and daycare.

    I can't decide because I know that if I do go stay with my aunt I feel like it's going to turn my family more against each other than they already are, and I don't want to do that to my aunt. My parents seem to think that my relatives are trying to manipulate me against them or something when really they are just trying to help me out. My parents also seem to think I don't love them, which is really frustrating because I do. They are my family! Recently I feel like my parents have started to be nicer to me, they bought me a new phone and my dad is fixing up my new car. I think they are trying everything they can to make me stick around, my dad knows that as long as I stay here he can keep manipulating me into going to all the meetings and out in service, etc.

    In short if I stay where I am right now I feel like I have more opportunities for college but I will also be very unhappy. Do you guys have any advice? What are your opinions? Thanks.

  • Knowsnothing

    Hey BlackWolf, sorry to hear your situation. Do you still believe in God?

  • DesirousOfChange

    It seems to me that you have it pretty good at home. Phone. Car. Etc. To be honest and frank, it isn't going to kill you to go to meetings. I know they are boring as hell and you no longer believe all of that WT BS, but......parents do what they think is best for their kids. They make them go to school when they don't want to go. They make them go to bed when they don't want to go. Etc. At your age, it doesn't sound like you have any kind of "plan" as to what you want to do in life (other than not go to meetings and service).

    Perhaps work on building some skills in dealing with people. You could discreetly ask questions about your JW doubts and see what kind of answers you get from older JWs in the Cong. Plant some seeds. Work on developing your method of dealing with people in a smart and charismatic way that will motivate them to do what you are encouraging them to do.

    See your school counselor about what careers you should consider for your future.

    Good luck!

  • BlackWolf

    No I would consider myself agnostic, why?

  • BlackWolf

    Desirousofchange: Thanks for the advice, although I am not in school anymore so I can't talk to a counselor. Also I bought the car myself, my dad is just working on it for a discounted price because he is a mechanic.

    I do have plans for my life, I have been thinking about this kind of stuff for years. I know my parents are not the worst, but at the same time they are going to continue to force me to go preaching to people about stuff that I know isn't true and this really bothers my conscience. They really aren't so concerned about me, but more about how they appear to the congregation. Being isolated and having to be a fake person all the time is really getting old, idk how much longer I can keep it up.

  • jp1692

    Ultimately, the most important relationship we have in this life is the one that we have with our self.

    Continuing to live a fake life is soul-crushing. Living an authentic life is difficult but liberating.

    Begin to build relationships with people that love you for WHO YOU ARE and not for WHAT (you pretend) YOU BELIEVE.

    You don’t need to change everything all at once but you need to begin moving in the direction you want to go or you’ll always remain stuck where you are.

    Brazilian educator and philosopher Paulo Freire wrote: “we make the road by walking.”

    Get moving. Best wishes!

  • dubstepped

    You know my advice will be to move. The cult bought your parents with promises of better things and look how it turned out. Like jp said above, one of the worst things we can do is to not be true to ourself. If your parent's support depends on blackmailing you to go do dub stuff, then your parents are showing how little they really care, unfortunately.

    To thine own self be true. Your depression says it all. Get out and go be happy. You want to see how much your parents love you? Do what YOU want and you'll see that your parents are all about themselves, not you. It hurts. It sucks. But far too often in the cult it's true. If you lose them you will have to accept that fate as it's up to them. You have to be you and let them be them.

    I totally disagree with posts telling you to suck it up because your parents give you material things while ignoring who you are and how you feel. Saying that you have it good at home because you have material things while you cry every day is mind blowing. Your soul is being crushed but hey, you've got an iPhone. Yuck. Life is about more than things.

  • Crazyguy

    Stay where your at put the cult out of your mind , daydream when at meetings and concentrate on your schooling. People have had to drag themselves out of much worse situations then yours. Just hang in there and use it as your motivation for a better life. When you graduate and get your life established then move on and enjoy your life. Fade away from the cult but don’t bad mouth it or your parents , so you can have some kind of normalcy with them when your older.

    Parents tend to grow to respect their kids more when there grown and out on their own. Then maybe then if they ask you can bring up a few points to why your no longer a practicing JW.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    "Better the devil you know, than the one you don't know"

    "Wherever you go....there YOU are"

    In other words, who knows if things will be any better with your Aunt. You may get tired of each other, you may get tired of caring for kids and feeling isolated, you may regret not being able to go to college, you may miss your family.

    Whether you stay at home or move in with your Aunt or choose another path, you will still be you, no matter where you are, your personal happiness is up to you. You decide how you're going to feel in any given situation.

    On a rainy day, one person may choose to stay indoors and wallow in their own gloom while another person chooses to grab an umbrella and go for a walk and stomp in puddles. The difference between them lies in what they have chosen to believe about rainy days. One believes that rainy days are gray and unpleasant and the other is able to find something good about the rain. The experience they have is based on what they've chosen to believe and the feelings that come, are a result of their choice.

    It seems like you have decided that living with your parents and family is the basis for your current unhappiness, so that's how it will be from now on until you realize that it's up to you how you feel. You are in control of your own thoughts feelings and emotions. The sooner you learn that the better off you'll be.

    You say your parents have given you a car (and insurance I assume), a new phone and that they are getting nicer to you and you love them. You indicate that you have an opportunity to go to college while living at home so why not take it? Things may improve when you start taking classes and meeting a wider circle of people who will likely be more mature than the ones you already know. You'll be away from home for long stretches at school and work and you may feel like you're progressing. You may be quite surprised at how happy you are to get home and see your family at the end of a long day.

    I don't want to dismiss your complaints, but to put things into perspective, there are millions around the globe who would love to be in your situation no matter how unbearable you feel they have become.

    "Happiness is not like a bus stop that one simply arrives and there they are. Happiness is a day to day, moment by moment thing. Sometimes it's fleeting and sometimes it comes in long stretches and everything in between. One must be on the look out for it and enjoy it as it happens."

    This is not to say that there won't be times in where changes in your life are needed but if you have control of your thoughts and emotions, you can spend your energies focusing on the needed change rather than wasting your energy obsessing on how unhappy you are and who's fault it is.

    Can you tell us about your job search? What are you doing each day, to look for a job? Perhaps we can help you with that.

    How about college? What are you doing each day to make that happen?

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    It’s tough being the offspring of JW parents. The religion demands conformity, it cannot demand that everyone believes what it teaches. You have had the great sense to see the errors of JW beliefs but your parents are encouraging you to conform to the Org by being normal parents i.e. helpful.

    You however feel trapped in doing things you do not believe like publicly teaching Armageddon. On the one hand you don’t want to upset your family but on the other they are forcing you to go against your conscience.

    Could you talk to your parents and explain that it is a "matter of conscience" that you can no longer do things which you do not believe in? You might preface the discussion by asking them, how would you feel if you were asked to do something contrary to your beliefs, would you do it for the sake of appearances?

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