Am I being unreasonable with my pimo boyfriend?

by Addison0998 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • OneEyedJoe

    I can really imagine what you're feeling - especially thinking about you imagining what your wedding day might look like, and of course it includes your entire family and friends! But now is not the time to be committing yourself to anything that you expect to last your entire life. You are clearly in turmoil. I suspect most people have had thoughts like yours of "I wish I could just die" because life seems too pointless or too fraught with trouble. I hope for you that's all it is, and it doesn't sound like you're suicidal (there's a BIG difference between wishing for death and contemplating doing something about it) but that's definitely an indicator that your life isn't going as you'd hope - when things are bad is not the time to be getting married. Get married when you're happy because you want to stay happy, don't get married when things are rough, thinking that it will somehow fix it. It won't, this I promise you.

    Another thing to keep in mind here is that people are really good at seeing how they might lose things unexpectedly (or in the case of family relations while leaving the cult, it may well be expected) but we're not so good at envisioning how we might gain new/better replacements. You can imagine losing your family, but can you imagine meeting new friends that you feel so close to that they feel just like family? Can you imagine having those feelings of love and closeness with people that you currently have not met? It's difficult to imagine for most people, but it's 100% possible and if you find yourself in need of new family and you do a little looking, you will find that. If you wait to have a wedding until things are more settled in your life, you will not have a wedding with no family present - you will have a wedding with your true family present. Would you rather look back at wedding photos full of people that you no longer know because they disowned you when you left the cult, or would you want to look back at photos with people that love you for who you are and not what you profess to believe? People that will stick by you through anything, not drop you at the word of some janitor in a suit?

    I'll also tell you that once you leave the cult your life will change in the most unimaginably wonderful ways. You will finally begin to figure out who you truly are. I'm sure you've started on that project, but until you've been able to put the cult behind you (i.e. no longer going to meetings, no longer spending all your waking hours researching, no longer boiling over with anger at the mention of the blood policy or child molestation, etc.) you have only begun to crack the surface. Once you get beyond the gates of the cult and start exploring the real, glorious wold beyond - that's when the real work starts. You don't truly know who you are at this point - is this really time to be thinking about marriage?

    Ok, hopefully at this point I've got you at least considering that maybe in the long run waiting to get married is best...and that's before I've started talking about the boy to whom you're thinking of becoming married. First, you need to make sure you've made yourself clear to him. It's easy to say something and know what it means so perfectly (having all the context of your internal feelings and emotions) but for its meaning to be completely missed by anyone who's heard it. Focus on facts, not judgments ("When I talk about the cult you just nod along without contributing to the conversation, or change the subject" NOT "You're so cold and unemotional!") and then tell him how it makes you feel, and why ("It makes me feel alone because I need to know that you understand my pain" for example). This is sort of the classic "therapy talk" for couples (and any relationships, really) and it is so for a reason - it can make a huge difference. It might take a little time, so don't get frustrated if he doesn't get it right away - ask him to repeat back in his own words what he heard. Once you think he understands how you feel, try making a request, focus on something he can do RIGHT THEN. Ask him, for example, to share his feelings on the cult - maybe it's not that he has none, maybe the cult's repression has made it difficult to open up. Or you might request that he just listen to you as you tell him how difficult things have been for you, while repeating back what he's hearing you say (so-called reflective listening) this can go a long way towards establishing empathy in him and it will likely help you feel that he has listened and not just coldly nodded along. You are clearly in tremendous pain and the fact that you're on an internet forum looking for compassion from strangers, having felt none from him, tells me that one of two things is true. Either he doesn't truly know how you're feeling (maybe you've explained things in a way that he doesn't understand, or maybe he hasn't listened) or he doesn't care. Do you know which one it is? If you're thinking of marrying him, it seems like a very important question to know the answer to with certainty.

    In summary - you need to banish the thought of a wedding until you've got your life on track. Get married when you're unhappy with your life and you'll walk into a marriage that leaves you unhappy with your life. Next, you need to talk to your boyfriend and work on actual communication. It would probably benefit you to do some reading on how to communicate effectively in a relationship - this is not a cult-specific problem you're facing, it's all too typical, and as such there are going to be tons of resources online to help you.

  • TD

    Men very often do not share the level of commitment to religion or any other cause that women (Especially the super intelligent ones) do.

    I don't exactly know why, but I've seen it over and over.

    On the positive side, this seems to have made the waking up process rather easy.

  • blownaway

    Not everyone has the same reaction to the same things. My wife was raised in the cult as was I. I read posts here, follow people on youtube who make videos of what the cult is doing and watch what the cult says next. I follow the news that relates to the cult. My wife feels they stole enough from our family's and she is happy forgetting them. When she is around her family that are MIPI she is happy to just not talk of it. I don't have an issue with this. Sometimes she gets frustrated when she catches me watching a JW video. I have to remind her it is how I work through it. I am not her and I deal with it different. This makes sense to her and she has become OK with it.

  • jws

    IMO, this might be a sign that you're on different wavelengths. And I'd worry for several reasons.

    The fact that you have somebody to share the cult background is not as important as the rest of your interests. It's a "remember this" moment, but the JW thing will play less and less of a role in your lives going forward, does it really mean that much to have that in common? Although I will say, non-JWs don't get it when dealing with JW parents and relatives. So an ex-JW spouse might be a plus when dealing with family.

    IMO, the fact that he readily dropped it means he never really cared anything about it in the first place. And not only that, but with atheism. It may be that he's just not that bright and doesn't really want to think. Plus, if he hasn't thought about it and formed his own opinions, then he's not anchored and his attachment to things can drift about depending on what's going on in his life at the moment. IDK if it's just this stuff. If it's about everything, then I think he's ripe to get pulled into anything. Another cult? The same cult? Religion? Drugs? Racist groups? Another woman? Who knows?

    And, he could just be playing you. He's just nodding and agreeing for now to win you. And thinks that once you're married, he can steer you back into a JW life - especially when he's the head of the household and can boss you around. Hopefully he's not that stupid that he's letting his feelings for you outweigh practicality. But who knows?

    Or like I say, just different ways of looking at things and different things you care about. Which also brings up red flags if you're about to get married and you have differing views on life.

    And not everybody's the same. My brother also left, but he doesn't really think about JWs. He just didn't want to do it. Not that it was biblically wrong. Or they were wrong. Or mind control. Or anything. He just didn't want to be a part anymore. Never researched why. And he's a pretty smart guy too. Can carry on intelligent conversations, not often driven by whim. Maybe that's just it.

  • joe134cd

    I dunno, I’ve got some reservations about the future of your marriage

  • Confusedandangry

    You have gotten some really amazing advice on here.

    You are LUCKY he no longer wishes to be a witness. That is one of the biggest challenges some of us on here have to face.

    So yes, be THANKFUL he is done and let him deal with it his way. Maybe hes not ready to deal with his feelings. I have ex jw friends who don't like discussing their JW past. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it-like dubstepped said. If you need help dealing with your family, maybe you can seek therapy? Or like Wake me said, you can vent on here. I know that helps me a great deal.

  • Addison0998

    Thank you everybody, you have all given me some serious things to think about , and you have given me some great wisdom to help me make a better decision. I think I’m going to have to leave everything behind.

  • Giordano
    However, once she did finally engage me in conversation she was just like "okay, let's move on, I'm done with it all". In a moment she was just done and ready to disassociate and move on.

    This was exactly how my wife of three years responded when I had reached a point where I no longed believed. It took me 2 to 3 years to work it out that it wasn't the truth. This took place back in the mid 1960's.

    We had pioneered together and never really asked one another if we believed. When I told her that I did not want to be an active JW any more but she could continue. She said "ok lets move on........ I never believed in it."

    This could be the situation with your boyfriend. Neither my wife or I were born-ins our Moms decided for us we were going to be JW's when we were each 12 or so years old. Neither of our Dad's were in.

    I think there are a ton of people waiting for the right time to leave. Being a born-in is probably a whole different experience. You either love it or you hate it and some are indifferent to it.

    Your guy sounds like a mate for you. Opposites attract. Your excitable and out spoken (I read your posts). You tried your best to pioneer and all of that congregational/Elder crap and it just wasn't working for you.

    I don't think your being unreasonable it's just that some people have to dig out TTATT while others are casual and basically JW bystanders.

    My wife and I will be celebrating our 55 anniversary this November and 52 years out of the JW's.

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    Hi Addison, two people should only get hitched for their own wish always to be together, the wedding should only reflect that-- it won't make anything better if the relationship is not right in the first place. Don't hasten it just to get your family to attend as JWs, your wedding is about you not them.

    Are the two of you both on the same wavelength apart from the issue of his lack of emotion over leaving the Borg?

    Although atheist myself, I would be wary of someone's motive in taking pride in being one. It is not a cult, religion or identifier, it confers no power and you don't get a badge, it simply refers to the absence of a deity. Just saying...

  • mentalclarity

    When I left I didn't really feel the need to go through doctrinal issues and prove it was wrong. Not everyone processes everything the same. Part of loving someone I think is giving them the space to process things however they want.

    I think people are more angry depending on how involved they've needed to be. As an elder's daughter, I'm sure there was enormous pressure to conform and you were constantly doing things you didn't want to. That can create alot of anger. Personally, my mom was a single mother so I think expectations were low on how much I participated. My family wasn't looked on as an example so I was able to mess up (as kids do) and it wasn't terrible. Anyhow, I wasn't super angry when I left - everyone's experience is different. Don't discount his or minimize your own. You know how sometimes siblings in the same family can have completely different perspectives on their upbringing? Even when they were in the same house with the same parents? It's kind of like that. And yet each perspective is valid.

    Good luck- I'm not a person who advises getting married young- I made that mistake and divorced but it's nice to have a best friend with you as you leave. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing scenario. Just remember you guys can leave and be boyfriend and girlfriend (outside the religion) for a while and see how that is.

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