Blood family vs. adopted family

by jws 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  jws

  My wife and I are trying to decide where our children should go in the event of our deaths and have narrowed it down to either my brother and his wife or my wife's sister and her husband. There are pros and cons for each, but one thing in particular seems important to me. My wife is adopted. Her adopted parents adopted a boy, then her, then discovered they could conceive after all and had a girl. So, in the family, none of the siblings have the same birth parents.

  To me, one of the issues in favor of our kids going to my brother is that it's blood-family. To me, her family, though they raised her and love her and are part of our lives, to me, they are not truly related. This really offends her, but to me, it's a fact. They are not genetically related to our kids. My wife is related to them in the sense that they raised her. But now we're a generation off. Our children do not have that tie. If my wife and I are gone, that connecting tie is broken.

  To me, there's just something about knowing your genetic family. It teaches you things about yourself. I see traits and behaviors in common with my family and it teaches me about myself. When you look at your relatives, you see people who look like you and have the same interests and some of the same skills. My wife does not understand what that's like because she never grew up with that. She knew her whole life that she was adopted. When I see my wife's family, all of her siblings have completely different personalities. The only one that seems similar to the parents is her sister, who is the actual daughter born to them and not adopted. To me, the genetics seem to play a lot more than we sometimes realize. A few years ago, my wife found her half-sister and there are traits between them that tell me she is more like her birth family in personality than the family that raised her. As a startling for-instance, her mother was an avid reader. Always had a book in her hand. My wife is the same way and the only one in her adopted family like that. Who'd have thought love of reading was genetic? My wife hasn't really tried to get to know her birth family and will probably never understand that part of her life.

  To me, even though her adopted family is family to her, to me, it's like leaving the kids in the hands of dear friends vs. their actual genetic relatives. To me, the next best thing to their parents is genetic relatives. And in both cases, though they each have pros and cons, we feel they would both be good parents to our children. And we don't have Jehovah's Witness issues since my brother has also left the faith.

  Like I say, this isn't the only issue to look at. In addition, our families are seperated across the country. So, whoever the kids would end up with would mean limited time spent with the other family. What's everyone else's opinion on this? How big should genetic family factor in?
• 

  nilfun

  Do you really think that your wife's family (because she is adopted) is somehow less authentic than yours? Because that is how you are coming across.
• 

  Dawn

  If you suddenly found out one day that one of your children had been switched at birth and that your son/daughter was not your actual blood son/daughter - would you love them any less? Would you be willing to let them go? Would you still die for them? I know I would - my kids are my life and it wouldn't matter to me if they were natural or not. My love for them has grown from my relationship with them - not from some biological similarity.

  It's the same with adoption. Adopted children take hold in a parent's heart with the same strength and depth that a natural child does.

  If it was all about biology then how could you explain natural parents that abuse their children? It's not about biology - it's about love.

  So......with that in mind......choose the parents that you believe have the most love to give.
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  jws

  Do you really think that your wife's family (because she is adopted) is somehow less authentic than yours? Because that is how you are coming across.

  I suppose I do believe that to an extent. She has a very real relationship with them and they were everything a family should be to her and continue to be that. However, with her (and me) out of the picture, that relationship between her parents and her is gone. It's our kids, not us anymore. They have two sets of family. One is not genetically related and the other is. To me, it's kind of like adoption all over again. There are genetic relatives available, but you're giving them to somebody else. Should genetics be a preference? Not the only thing, but on a checklist of things, should that be one item and how much should it weigh?

  And even though my wife's relationship with her adopted family is real, and the love is there, neither she or her brother is a matching set with the family. Her brother is also adopted, but not from the same birth family as my wife. There is something that is missing. They are different. Like the story of the goose raised by ducks or vice-versa. Or was it a swan? Anyway, there's a little bit of being out of place. Does that missing factor make it less authentic than being raised by your birth parents? I think so. I think children should be raised by their parents, if that is possible and safe for the child. In this case, she was given up for adoption, so that's always going to be a substitute for her real parents. Is a sustitute authentic? I think by definition, no. Can it be better for the child? Sure. But not the same.
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  jackal

  As someone who has an adopted sister, I really have to take issue with your implication that your wife's being adopted somehow makes her family ties any less "real" than yours. Although I am not related to my sister by "blood," I'm much closer to her than I am to my parents--and I would much sooner trust my child to her than to them.

  Also, don't you think your wife finds this kind of argument offensive? After all, she's only ever known one family, just like you, and yet you seem to be implying that her family is somehow less legitimate than yours. If your roles were reversed and you were the adopted one, you wouldn't dream of doing this. It's how they've treated her, and how they would treat the children, should they ever become guardians, that should count. Period.

  My thoughts.
• 

  Lady Lee

  You raise some interesting points and some that might be valid but there are many other things to consider besides genetics.

  Studies done on identical twins separated at birth ot shortly after do show an amazing link between genetics and later behaviors and preferences. You might want to look at some of those studies. I'm sure a search on the net will give you plenty of info.

  You don't say how old your children are but since you aren't dead yet they obviously have the opportunity now to learn about the genetic part of where they came from. Therefore that might not be a great factor in this issue.

  My personal feelings on this are that if at all possible the children should be kept in their own environment. You say the family are quite far apart. If one lives in your area my prefernece would be to keep the children in their familiar surroundings instead of moving them away from schools and friends - especially if they have recently gone through the trauma of losing both parents.

  Are both families equally connected to the children regarding visits and time with the children? Who do the children know better and feel more comfortable with? Are there other children in the families? And if so how well will your children fit into that family? Are finances an issues for either family?

  You bring up the idea that the children won't "fit in", they will be different if they go to the adoptive sister's family but the reality is that where ever they go they will be an "add-on" simply because of the nature of the situation. The best is that they will be loved and well-cared for where ever they go.

  While they have the genetic info with your family there is a lot to be said for families that can provide a history which seems to be the case for both sides.

  And I suppose whether either family will allow continued contact with the other family is important too.

  I think you are placing way too much emphasis on the genetic. They already have that part
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  Buster

  I have an adopted daughter. She is getting close to embarking into her adulthood. I'm trying to picture her marrying a man, bearing that man's children. If I got a whiff of that 'not real family' attitude, there would be no end to the family strife. You need to get your mind right or the big question will not be where they go in the event of death, but rather where they go after the divorce.

  - Cliff (of the 'not my business, but you asked' class)
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  Alana

  As an adopted child myself, I have to admit that I do take offense at your reasoning. However, not being adopted, you apparently do not understand the dynamics of what truly equals 'family'. I know both my birth parents and I love them and have discovered many 'genetic' similarities, etc. But does that make them more tied to me than the parents who raised me, loved me, nursed me through thick and thin? No, there is more of a bond with whomever raises the child, even if there is love for all. Do I think genetics will make better parenting? No way! It's the bond, the love, how well they can provide for the children, etc. Your wife's family are not outsiders and I'm sad that you feel like they are not as much family as your genetic family. There are people in my family--genetic and adopted that I would consider ok to take over parenting of my daughter and some in both that I wouldn't let take care of her for a day! Genetics have nothing to do with it. This is a topic on which I'm very vocal about, being adopted.....I love all my family and do not think less of those who are not 'blood', or think more of my daughter's father's family because they are related by blood to her......in fact, that grandma is a fanatical JW, as well as having some mental problems, so I wouldn't want my daughter raised by her primarily for those reasons....even if she was the only 'genetic' relative left. Just my two cents. :-)

  ~"Alana"
• 

  Country_Woman

  I don't have any adopted relatives but I have a brother who is acting as a complete stranger (I know he is my real brother cos he is born at home and not switched in an hospital).
  
  I do have friends - with the same views and attitude as myself and they are no family at all. But like they behave and think, they could easely be family.
  
  It is a fact that blood family is'nt always the best choice to take care for orphaned children - think of all the abuse cases.
  
  The best choice is who is obvious able and willing to take care of the children when necessary.
  
  Be wise.....
• 

  jws

  Are both families equally connected to the children regarding visits and time with the children? Who do the children know better and feel more comfortable with? Are there other children in the families? And if so how well will your children fit into that family? Are finances an issues for either family?

  Both families see the children about the same amount during the year. In fact, they probably spend more time with my family, but it's all-at-once time because they are so far away. Two weeks at once and maybe another week at once. My wife's family lives out-of-town too, but it's only an hour drive. We see them maybe once every month or two. So, the kids see their grandparents on my wife's side on more individual trips. And my wife's sister is there when we visit about half the time. And that's who would be getting the kids. We've ruled out the grandparents on both sides as being too old for young ones.

  If something should happen to us, it would be an uprooting to go to either family, as both families live out of town. It would be unfeasable for them to stay in the same schools (when they are old enough to attend them). As far as visitiation, both families would continue to let the other side see them.

  Of course there are many other factors. For instance, one family has 2 kids already (all older than ours). Their youngest is old enough that he falls within the general age range of our kids, so there would be another play friend for them. But, two extra kids is that much more work for a couple that has two already, not to mention the added financial burden. The other family has no kids, but wants them and is trying. This also means that their true parenting skills are unknown. They are better off financially though. There are negative personality factors involved in both families (our sibling's spouses) that concern both of us to a certain degree and we both agree on the issues about these people. There is a whole list I can go through and for the most part we can agree on where my brother would be better in some ways and where her sister would be better in others. Heredity is one issue of mine among many others. It's not the only one.

  If you suddenly found out one day that one of your children had been switched at birth and that your son/daughter was not your actual blood son/daughter - would you love them any less? Would you be willing to let them go? Would you still die for them? I know I would - my kids are my life and it wouldn't matter to me if they were natural or not. My love for them has grown from my relationship with them - not from some biological similarity.

  If I found out that I my kids weren't mine and that mine were living with somebody else, I'd want my real kids back. Yes, it would hurt to lose the ones I have grown to love. But it would also pull at me to find out my kids are being raised by someone else. And I think it would only be fair for the kids we have been raising to be with their real parents. I think it would be a different kind of relationship from there on, where both families share time, but I believe the children should be with their real parents. I don't however, have that fear. I've been photographing my kids since they came out of the womb in the delivery room. I'm positive that my kids are my kids.

  Also, don't you think your wife finds this kind of argument offensive? After all, she's only ever known one family, just like you, and yet you seem to be implying that her family is somehow less legitimate than yours. If your roles were reversed and you were the adopted one, you wouldn't dream of doing this. It's how they've treated her, and how they would treat the children, should they ever become guardians, that should count. Period.

  She does find it offensive. She has found her birth family and I'm not suggesting she give up anything she has with her adopted family or that she favor her birth family. I'm not suggesting anything change. She has a caring (adoptive) family that she comes from and I happen to like them. They like me too and we and get along with very well. And her parents are "grandma and grandpa" to our kids and her siblings are aunt and uncle to our kids. I'm not suggesting that their relationship is any less caring than my own was. But we're not talking about her and her adopted family going forward. We're talking about our kids going to somebody who is not us. I think both families would treat the kids well, with some exceptions we can forsee from both families. I believe heredity stays on our list of items in favor of my family. It's not the only factor, but if everything else balances out to even and this is the last thing left, I think they should be kept with the genetic family.

  My brother and I are very close in age. We are very similar in mannerisms, intelligence, career choice, and personality. If my kids were raised by him, it would almost be like having their own father raise them. Through my brother, they would know who their father was. I honestly cannot say the same about my wife and her sister. They are two different types of people. They are good friends, but very different in mannerisms, intelligence, career choice, and personality. And the same really goes for the rest of her family. If they were raised by her sister, our kids would not get a sense of who my wife was through the personalities of her (adopted) family. I'd rather them get a sense of the next-closest-thing to one of us than neither of us.

  I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I were the adopted one. And she cannot know how I feel growing up with a genetic family or what that meant to me. I can see how other people involved in adoptions feel strongly about it and I can see that my opinions offend them.