by mineralogist 23 Replies latest jw friends
I agree with minimus... don't give them any explanation. JWs cannot see a valid reason for leaving. Your efforts to explain yourself will only be used against you.
My wife and I simply stopped going a little over a year ago. So far we have avoided getting DF'd or DA'd and I think it's largely due to not giving any explanation.
Good luck!
When it comes to the fade, I second the motion not to say too much. As a long time elder, I formed the opinion that people who drift away fall into two camps. For simplification, let's call them the weak and the dangerous (as seen from point of view of elders and some others in the congo).
When you start to disappear and it gets noticed, the thought process begins: Why is he/she/they not coming to meetings? If the judgment is they're weak, or unappreciative, the absence is briefly lamented and the individuals are pigeon-holed into a special category where no further action is required, other than talking about them behind their backs. They will be largely ignored after that, except for when the CO visits and asks what the elders are doing about the inactive and others in need of shepherding. Since the elders in most congos will have been doing next to nothing about these people, a big push will be made to "encourage" those and a long list of folks to visit will be drawn up. After the CO leaves, a few half-hearted calls will be made and a note put in the file for when he returns and asks what the elders did.
On the other hand, if the judgment is you're dangerous, and this is direct proportion to anything negative you may have said to someone about the organization, the elders, or any doctrine, the spotlight will be on you. You will get calls, visits, all kinds of attention, designed to flush you out and expose you as a threat to the congregation.
If doing the fade, it is to your advantage to plant yourself squarely in the first category. It does not matter what your excuse is. Make something up and be vague. This is an exit strategy of your own devising. Use whatever works for you. Health is good, especially if you can develop a condition about which little is known; if it can be both mysterious and chronic, that's best. Depression is another good buffer. Just be careful not to be specific about what, or who, made you that way, and don't imply that "being in the truth" had anything to do with your depression. If you are "fortunate" enough to have a mate who is not a JW, you are on easy street. Blame it on them (and enlist their support for your strategy).
There are many other ways to go about this, all of which have been discussed on this board at length. The point is, keep silent and make new friends. In time, your fade may work beyond your wildest dreams.
One word of caution: Plan and rehearse for the unexpected. One day you will pick up the phone, or turn around in a public place, and be confronted by someone, perhaps an elder, who will flat out ask you what happened, and why you are no longer active. To paraphrase the scripture, always be ready to give a reply: you have some problems (above-mentioned), you're dealing with them as best you can, you know you've gotten out of the habit of meeting attendance, but you are still reading the bible and trying to keep up with your studies and getting a great deal of comfort out of praying every day. You have been thinking a lot about the meetings, and no, you don't need any help, thank you, but you really appreciate the encouragement. It's always good to end with, Perhaps I'll see you on Sunday. This strategy will move you back into the "not dangerous" category so you can be blissfully ignored for another period of time.
Hello willyloman,
I am very thankful for your comment. It is very loving. I already answered a sister on the phone that we try to live in a less stressing way. She also wants to live her life in a healthier way: a lot of sleep, healthy food. Speaking about that the topic "meeting attendance" disappeared.
btw. we are dangerous
Make something up and be vague
I learned how to master this in many aspects of life. Be VERY GENERAL. "I had some things that needed to be taken care of", "An important family matter came up", "Car wouldn't start", etc. If they ask for details, just tell them that it's very personal.
Never volunteer inforamtion to the witnesses unless it is in your interest to do so -- here it is clearly not in your interest
Now it is almost a month of not attending and the partys going on. Last days friends of mine - who also are fading out of dubland - got a "sheparding" call. After that they told me the elders have encouraged them to not meet with me (of course we'll stay in close contact). But it means i am on my way to become a real apostate - i'm labeled dangerous!
Tell them you suffer from migraines and must lie down at the end of the day.
This has worked great for a sister I know who has improved her college education and now sees things more
skeptically. In any case, don't tell them anything about your doubts about the "truth".
metatron
We are both "irregular" and will reach our "goal" of becoming "inactive"
It's so encouraging to see new ones reaching out for lesser responsibilities in the organization.
By the way, be prepared for a bit of slander. JWs are incapable of believing that anyone could know and understand their doctrines, and yet not believe them. They think that the power of the truth is so strong that no one could fail to see its merits.
So, they make up an excuse for your absence. Their favorites are pride, materialism, and love of the world. I suggest that you pick out your favorite, and encourage them. You see, if they can label you, they can excuse you, leave you alone, and move on. If they cannot label you, then your absence can only be due to something more nefarious, like apostasy - which gets you df'd, and has unpleasant ramifications.
Also, expect a short period of love-bombing and sincere questions. Don't let them trick you back - its worth the temporary discomfort.
expect a short period of love-bombing
that exactly started - a few days ago the sister who studied with us phoned me and it was for almost 1.5 hours! We never had any honest conversation after baptism. But all other i meet it is the normal "Missed you at the meeting", i think it shouldn't be a big issue to overcome.
dear mineralogist
I've not been to meetings for about two years now. Eeeh Haa. My new explanation(should anyone ask, as after a while no one give s--- anyway) will be that I/We/My Family, is some of "the seed that was sown on fine soil, but due to the bullshit that goes on @ the K.H., we wilted"
Dismembered
