Life is changing for me: no pioneering, got a job!
A month ago I decided to register in this board. I had decided to step down pioneering but was frightened about the consequences. I had finished my university degree some months before (despite disaproval from brothers in my congregation) and I had to choose: continue pioneering and working in jobs with no future or starting a career, working full-time.
I was thinking to postpone the decisiton but... I was fed up with preaching. I couldn't stand for more time. And then, a week ago I got a job! So I preached with an elder and told him I was quitting pioneering.
Firstly, the brother encouraged me to continue pioneering insisting he knows others who are able to work full-time and pioneering. I told him clearly I couldn't do it and that I had other reasons to step down as I want to have a normal life. I've been pioneering, leaving college until last year I resumed university and got my degree and I'm almost 30 years old. I need to start living my own life. I've been suffering for deppresion for a long and need to stop.
This brother told me he could understand my reasons. But then at the meeting, another elder told me how is possible that I'm turning away from my service to Jehovah. He told me I'm selfish as the end is near and there's a shortage of young brothers in the Org. No empathy for my situation, just thinking in the needs of this sacred Organisation!
I'm still serving as MS with lots of responsabilities to do and another elder insisted on this. He told me: "Brother Skepsis, you are MS and we hope you have more responsibilities in the future. We count on you".
I don't know what my next steps will be. I thought I would quit pioneering in March or April and I had to advance this as I was feeling very deppresive and presured in my life.
Now I have more time for me and a perspective of a better life here, not in the Paradise coming just around the corner. I'll thinking what to do next. I have a lot to lose as all my life is in the Org but at the same time I have so many doubts that I don't know what to do.
I'm thinking about getting new friends outside the congregation but then I feel like it's very hard. I don't want to go out from the Org from the moment but I feel so bad about serving as a MS. You can step down as pioneer and still being seen as a good standing brother although some may not share your choice. But how can you step down as MS?
For the moment I feel relieved. Thanks for all the info in this board as I've been reading for months before participating!
Skepsis you are in a great position right now. You have already bucked the trend by getting educated. Don't allow these men to control what you want to do. At the end of the day, they don't really care about you , they only care about serving an organization.
That's great. I'm happy for you. Keep trusting your own instincts. I hope the job is good and provides you with a good start for your career. If not, just get another one.
When I left and entered the workforce (I'm a born in) I didn't have a lot of the skills that are necessary to succeed in the workplace. I didn't lose my job because I was very fortunate to have a great mentor, but it was clear that I was clueless about managing my career.
I wonder if you have thought of that. As JWs we do develop some skills that are excellent, but we also lack some other skills. I'm saying this to encourage you not to feel bad if you feel that you may need more support than others in managing your career.
Wish you the best.
Well done for getting your degree and congrats on the job!
Now I have more time for me and a perspective of a better life here, not in the Paradise
coming just around the cornerthat will never come. - there fixed that for you.
May be just do enough and show your face often enough to keep them off your back, for the time being. How about a nice, gentle fade in the future?
Tough spot I know.
One thing to keep in mind.
While you are going to meetings and getting slammed with the message that YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH - YOU DONT DO ENOUGH - and you ARE BOGGED DOWN WITH RESPONSIBILITIES - it is so much harder to step back and see all the BS you are surrounded with.
Take the next step - is step down. Tell them whatever you think they will accept.
Depression and Anxiety always works!
You can also say that with your new job you just wont have the time and your service will go down to.
If they give you LIP about that say - Ok will you be willing to pay for my "Health Insurance" "Housing" or other expenses when I am short and when I grow older?
Take this opportunity before you WASTE more of you life doing NOTHING.
Take it from someone who wishes he had those years you still have back.
Your depression is the sign that all is not well...
Cognitive dissonance seems to be what you are experiencing. Not at all easy to cope with.
You are now up against the peer pressure that an organisation like the Watchtower puts on you. It's going to be hard to break from without feeling like a bit of a 'Judas'. So the 'fear of losing everything' that you are feeling right now is quite normal.
It's great that you are feeling relieved, but you are a long way off of attaining total peace of mind, and to get there is quite a journey.
Getting a career and making friends outside the congregation is a very wise first step.
Don't be in any rush to make changes. As time goes by it will become evident as to where your future lies.
And keep posting.
Well done skepsis for getting an education, and well done for ending your pioneering career. You can bide your time and step down from being an MS in the coming months, indeed you can say how depressed you are (depressed that you have wasted your life on such an unworthy organisation).
You have your life ahead of you, don't be subservient do what is best for your interests. If god actually had an organisation it would not need our help.
If you would like to step down as an MS but don't know how,
grow a beard :)
Just something to think about:
Do you think a grown man can make decisions regarding his own
All the best
If you aren't up for confrontation, move house to another congregation. You owe them nothing.
Well done Skepsis. Those doubts you're having, we ALL had those. And they're there for a reason, you're no longer ignoring or justifying the WT when they appear wrong. Definitely make more friends outside the witnesses, this will be an invaluable help to you.
It's worth noting that every ex-JW story i've read in books have all said they suffered with depression, and that the depression was significantly reduced upon leaving the organization. When i eventually left i went through the stage of post traumatic stress disorder. Thats not uncommon either. You may go through stages of feeling really happy, then sad, then angry, then nothing, then repeat over and over but eventually you become the real you. And it's great.
We look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.