I'm currently disfellowshipped and living at home with my parents, but because they are both still devout JWs I have to keep going to the meetings and crap because I don't want to risk getting thrown out until I finish college or find a job that will let me support myself and go to college.
Yesterday, my mother rode with me to the meeting and told me how much my best friend and my oldest sister are missing me, and it just tears me apart because during the meeting I was practically counting the minutes till it was over. It didn't help matters that I had to sit with my family because the library was closed off, thus forcing me to follow along with the meeting on my tablet instead of reading something useful or interesting like I normally do.
When I got home I just cried out in frustration because it feels like no matter what I do, I am making the wrong choice. Either I have to keep pretending to support an organization that has caused so much pain to so many people, or I have to abandon my family and friends to it so I can save myself. I can't even just wait till I get reinstated and approach each of them to try and convince them either because it is highly probable that whoever I approach will tell the elders and I'll be back out of the congregation before I can sneeze.
Every path seems to end with someone's misery.